My Father is a brilliant man. He had an exceptional mind for business and helped his clients expand their wealth exponentially during the thriving 1980’s as a CPA. He was a force to be reckoned with and as an impressional young man, I started to live my life in his shadow. Steeped in fear of his disapproval, I would check-in with him around most decisions I made to ensure that it was the right direction for my life.
A wise man, my Father made me a bet. If I could last until my High School graduation without taking any drugs, he would pay me $1500.00 in cash. He knew that I would experiment with alcohol but everything else was off the table. I took that bet in earnest and never did partake in anything stronger than cheap vodka purchased from the corner store. I succeeded and spent the money on a post-graduation trip to Israel. It was a fine “play”.
There was no doubt that I had a definitive path laid out for me. My marching orders were to:
> Do well in High School
> Excel at a 4-year college
> Head to Grad School or my first job
> Trade up to my second job
> Launch into a lucrative career
> Marry, procreate grandchildren
> Work hard, build a 401k
> Retire to enjoy my twilight years.
I gauged my success based on Father’s reactions. I would check-in around my schooling and career choices always looking for a hint of his concern. His rebukes for my choices would be pedantic and without room for debate and his criticisms felt like knives into my heart.
The irony of the situation was that this was way that my Father loved me. His concern was always for my well-being, health and success. His New York Jewish straight-talking style was sharp, but to him, it was the finest way to love his ambitious son.
At 30, I went off my Father’s path. In fact, I went way, way, way off it. He sent me a 7-page hail mary fax on my 30th birthday to bring me back to his path. It didn’t work. I realized that I was not in his shadow because my Father was simply no longer there.
Free for a moment, I quickly partnered up with a woman who was going to change my life. In short order, I had left my Father’s path behind to walk on her path. Her path was exciting filled with mystical wonders, mind-altering experiences, sexual adventures, purpose, service, and creating of an incredible world that we eventually called OneTaste.
I stayed on that path for 12 years.
She was the lead,
I was the 2nd.
She was the boss,
I was her right-hand man.
She was the top,
I was one of the bottoms.
She had the vision,
I did the implementing.
It worked well and I was happy having someone else’s vision to work on. Our partnership was more than business as we were creating also a community, a movement, and a lifestyle. It was beyond exciting. I believed that I found my life’s work.
The cost was that again I had put myself into a position where I was living in someone’s shadow. There was a right way and a wrong way to do things in my new world. I did a mixture of covert and overt “check-ins” with the women of my new world to ensure that I was on the right side of things. It was exhausting and each time I did so I gave away a little more of my soul.
I think it’s important to note that I don’t blame my Father or this woman for this happening. My behaviors are ultimately my choice. This was on me, not them.
After 12 years, I left the world that I had created and ended up by myself in Venice Beach. It was the first blank slate of my life with infinite choices of where I would lead my life. I was filled with a mixture of fear, excitement, dread, and optimism.
Eight months into my freedom, I signed a 5-year lease on a 4000 square foot space in Hollywood to create my second business, LA Mother. Bored with my solopreneur life, I wanted to work with a team again. My business partner, another powerful woman, had the vision and I bought into it. I dove in and gave everything I had to making my new business a success. While this was a much healthier relationship, I realized that I had put myself right back in the same position as before. I was the man behind a woman. I was still in someone’s shadow.
About 18 months in, the business fell over after our lease was revoked by our landlord. The partnership quickly ended. The thousands of hours and thousands of seed money I had put in was gone.
I was back in my office alone.
I looked around. There was no one else to stand behind. There was no woman’s shadow for me to stand inside of. My Father’s influence had long since faltered even though we had reconciled.
It’s just me. What do I do now? I felt a new thought. My name was going to be front and center for the rest of my life.
My name is Robert Kandell and I have something to say.
I have my Podcast, Tuff Love. I have two books inside of me. I have my Facebook Feed. I have talks to do and festivals to speak at. I have a platform and it’s about how to live a better life.
I have my impact on my world.