It’s ten minutes into the worst massage of my life, and I’m counting the minutes until it’s over.
This is not what I expected at all. It’s been a terribly challenging May with a mix of a full client load, working on a new website, and continuing to make progress on my book. Every day feels like I’m running from one thing to another and the stress level I’ve been carrying is off the charts. It is, of course, just the way I like it.
On the flip side, I am deliberate with my self-care. I work out with a trainer, watch my diet, read books like Aubrey Marcus’ Own the Day, and have a membership at a beautiful, pristine high-end spa that includes a monthly massage. I look forward to those eighty minutes where I can let go, release, turn off my mind and surrender my body.
I am introduced to my male massage therapist who guides me to the room. While we are walking, he verifies that I am looking for a deep tissue. I tell him that I’m actually looking for a gentler version of their massages. He acknowledged my correction.
Minutes later, I was naked under the sheet, and already my mind was chilling out. I was calling to my monkey mind to take time off and telling my vigilance center to chill the F out so that my system can surrender.
He started with some acupressure on my shoulders, pressing deep into the points with his fingertips. While not unpleasant, it is not what I wanted. I patiently waited for him to move on. He moves slowly, and I can feel the precious moments slipping away. I ask for more pressure which he compiles, but it is still not gratifying. I then say, “I didn’t want a deep tissue. Can we switch to a more relaxing massage?”
He made an excuse, forgetting our previous conversation and then does a subpar rubbing on this side. Moving to the other side, he resumes with the acupressure.
At this point, I am feeling displeased and neglected. He is oblivious to my mood and labors on. He then states “Oh, I’m ahead of time in this massage… do you want me to keep doing the back or flip you over?”
My anger seethes. I don’t want you to ask me these questions. I am paying you to hold the space, take charge, and manage your own time. My body is now in total reaction mode. I opt to flip over, and even though his work on my legs feels pleasurable, I am unable to relax. My mind is totally active, and my vigilance center cannot stop saying, “I need this to stop.” I want to sit up, declare the massage over, and bail.
However, I’m struggling because I’m aware of how this would impact his feelings. Would he be upset? What would happen to his ego? Am I just being a primadonna? He’s a nice guy; I’d hate to upset him.
For the next ten minutes, I kept debating with myself. I wanted to get up and end the massage but felt concerned about how it might affect him. Then, he threw the final straw on my back when he said, “We are way ahead of schedule, a lot of extra time…” and I could hear the pleading in his voice for direction.
I got up, declared the massage was over and left the room. He muttered a weak, “Enjoy the spa” to my back. My whole body was in reaction mode.
I have been an educator for over 18 years teaching people of all genders around intimacy, relationship, communication, and sexuality. I started OneTaste in San Francisco in 2004 and taught thousands the practice of Orgasmic Meditation.
In this practice, we taught men how to touch and women how to receive. However, until I had this massage, I don’t know if I ever truly understood what it must feel like to be a woman feeling trapped in an ungratifying, toxic, or painful sexual situation.
I don’t want to give the impression that I want to equate or can even compare my experiences to a woman’s. I know I didn’t feel a minuscule percentage of the discomfort they feel. Period.
However, I got a glimmer of what it feels like to be trapped, to not feel listened to, disregarded and worse, watched my concern for another to allow my body to be touched in a way that I didn’t want. I saw how my silence contributed to this unpleasant experience. I saw that my speaking up was the kindest thing I could have done for the man working on me. He might not have taken the feedback I had to offer. But at least, he would have had the choice.
We live in a world where inappropriate touch occurs all the time.As a man, it’s my mission to be a safe space for my partner to speak immediately to any miscue I make around how I relate to her.
It is my mission to reward her for her truth and request that she continue to inform me of what would feel best to her. I am dedicated to teaching men to be aware of their impact (physical, energetic, vocal and others) on other genders. The #MeToo movement is a wake-up call for men to hear that it’s not okay to just wait for a NO but to listen on all levels to what’s being communicated. I understand that this is a new skill for most, but it can be learned with patience and dedication.
Author’s Prescription
My viewpoint for optimal relationships is to teach women to speak and for men to listen. In the world of prevalent mansplaining, discrimination, and sexism, it’s time for the feminine to find and use their voice LOUDLY.
Let’s be part of the solution.
Men – Create a safe space for women’s truth to be heard and rewarded.
Women – Speak boldly, loudly and passionately. It is the only way for men to truly learn your impact.