What is patriarchy? Wikipedia says patriarchy is a social system in which males hold primary power and pre-dominate in roles of political leadership, moral, authority, social privilege, and control of property. The word patriarchy is attributed to a guy named Sir Robert Filmer. Research shows that we started off as an egalitarian society. There was equality and there was not a huge difference in the genders. It was the rise of agriculture and domestication when patriarchy started to hold its roots. Patriarchy has been co-created by all the genders. So how do we end the patriarchy? Ending the patriarchy is going to take both parties being willing to listen, for the feminine to show up with the emotional and energetic feeling of it and the masculine to listen to the feminine, and to come together to create a solution that feels good to both them.
128: Ending The Patriarchy
I am so excited as always to be back on the mic. I had a lot of energy recording this show. The last couple weeks have been big wear and tear on me and there’s some part of me that woke up this morning ready to do this show. I’m excited to talk about How to End the Patriarchy by Rob Kandell, which is a good theory. This has a medal, and if not, if you disagree with me, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to go to TuffLove.Live and leave some comments or contact me directly. I’m interested in your thoughts. For more shows, visit TuffLove.Live which will soon be forwarded to RobertKandell.com, I’m very excited for my new website. If you like the show, I would be grateful if you go off your ass and went to Stitcher, iTunes, or your favorite podcast app and leave me a little loving. Give me some stars, give me some reviews, very helpful. If you don’t want to, that’s cool. I’ll be sitting here in the corner crying and feeling abandoned.
I’m excited to be here. It feels like there’s been this lack of connection with me and the show. I have been doing shows, but I’ve been so effing overwhelmed by the rest of my life, travel, and the book, that it feels like I haven’t sat in the seat and been 150%.I have been 100% here, but I’m used to that Henry Rollin’s model of things of being 150% dedicated to something. In this show I feel like I’m back in my group. Welcome back to myself, welcome back to our listeners. This show is called How to End the Patriarchy by Rob Kandell. I first want to say that these opinions are purely my own. If you don’t like them, I am open to dialogue, discussion, and debate because I like learning. I also want to say I’m not sold on any of my concepts even though I know their rights, and I am open to debate. I am a learner. I’m a student. I’m on this road to expand and grow, so if you have alternative viewpoints, please bring them. I’m interested in what you think.
I’m going to come off sounding like I’m a definitive male patriarch on the show because I know what the fuck I know and there’s a feminine side of me that’s powerful, receiving, and interested. I am a complex and evolved man who knows what he’s talking about and knows that he also doesn’t know what he’s talking about completely. I don’t know if that made any sense. It doesn’t matter. It made sense to me. I want to give the motivation for the show. This motivation for this show was brought to you by a conversation I had with my mom. I was up north visiting the mom, the dad, the sister, the niece, and the brother-in-law. My mom and dad live in Novato, California, adjacent to this big place where they can walk. My mom loves when we go for a walk and she actually listens to the show while walking.
During the walk, she said to me that she wanted to contribute money to my book fund. She wanted to be my partner. She wanted to help in terms of the production of the book and the editing of book. She was talking to my dad and my dad basically said no. My dad said no because of budgetary money something. He had given me some money recently. It hits some buffer inside of him. Whatever his reasoning, he just said no. End of conversation. My mom was on this walk with me and was telling me she had the desire, so she could be connected to me, but it felt like the conversation was over.
We walked a little bit and I said, “What’s not cool what Dad’s doing, and it’s not cool that you said it’s okay.” Here’s what I think. This is the whole basic of how to end the patriarchy, because I am a strong believer that the patriarchy has been co-created by all the genders, men, women, non-binary, we can go through the list. The patriarchy has been co-created by the society that we live in. My dad said no in his patriarchal manner, my mom said, “Okay,” in her co-creation of the patriarchal manner. This doesn’t mean that anyone’s innocent or anyone’s guilty, it’s that this is the way it is. I’m walking with my mom and I said, “You have a lot of money. You’re not going to go broke. You have money and this is a way that you want to show love. This is a part of you.”
Money is energy. It can be energy, and so this is a way that you want to show love to me and be part of it. What my dad is doing, unconsciously or he doesn’t even know, is that he’s actually blocking you from releasing love. He has his viewpoints, but that’s what he’s doing. He’s containing it. He’s not letting you fully love the way you want to do it.” What I would recommend would be go back to him and say, “This is important to me. This is my desire. I want to participate. This is a feeling, this is the way I want to show love. Go back to him and have him feel the depth that this is important to you.” She did about a week later. A week after that we’re driving, Morgan and I in the car and my mom calls my dad calls and they’re like, “We want to contribute to your book.”
It took one conversation for my dad to see my mom and then all of a sudden, they want to support and be part of the book process. That is the whole lesson of the whole show, is how to end the patriarchy. When someone in a disenchanted or less than position goes to the person in the perceived by both people’s position, tells them vulnerably what their desire is, and then they co-create a solution that feels good to both of them. That is the one way we end our patriarchy. It sounds simple. I know for everyone, that it may sound 100 times harder in your position, and I can appreciate that. I’m not saying all conversations will be as simple or easy as my mom and my dad had, but I want to give you the pathway of what I see in the basis of the show.
It’s going to take both parties being willing to listen for the feminine, played by my mom, to show up with the emotional and energetic feeling of it. The masculine, played by my dad, to listen to the feminine and then together the balance, the marriage of the masculine and feminine together, to create a solution that feels good to both them and to me. I don’t “need” the money because I have a budget. Everything’s going well with my business. I can finance this book. I had humongous downloads of possibility and fun and games that we’re going to play around the book. I want to be able to receive my mom’s love, and I want to be able to receive my dad’s love, in the form of this co-creation. I’ll talk about what that money’s going to go for at the end of the show, which is a neat idea I had in the spa.
That’s the foundation of the show. Let’s go a little into the history of what patriarchy is because I’ve been curious about this. I went to Wikipedia. Wikipedia says, ‘’Patriarchy is a social system which males hold primary power and pre-dominate in roles of political leadership, moral, authority, social privilege, and control of property.” That makes sense. The London Feminist Network, “Patriarchy is a term to describe the society which we live today, characterized by current and historic unequal power relations between women and men whereby women are systemically disadvantaged and oppressed.” This one is by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “Patriarchy is the social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependent, or wives and children than the reckoning of the sent inheritance and the male wide. Broadly, patriarchy is controlled by men and disproportionately large share of power.” The Urban Dictionary, just to show what patriarchy is, this one guy wrote, “The boogie man that feminists blame for women’s problems or underachievement because their big girl pants apparently don’t fit.”
I went deeper into looking at the history of patriarchy and I want to speak about this briefly where the history comes from. Research shows that we started off as an egalitarian society. The prehistoric hunter gatherers tend to be egalitarian. There was equality, there was not a huge difference in the genders, and it was the rise of agriculture and domestication that the patriarchy started to hold its roots. According to some things I found, 4,000 BC, the fatherhood was a concept. 3,100 BC, ancient near east, which was Mesopotamia, Egypt, the cradle of civilization, started to hold a male dominance.
Aristotle, the Great Greek teacher, portrayed women as less than. He said women had colder blood, which made them weaker. Alexander the Great was a student of Aristotle and Alexander the Great, when around doing what Alexander did, kick some butt and brought his viewpoints of society and spread it through the cradle of civilization. The word patriarchy is attributed to a guy named Sir Robert Filmer who came up with a theory in 1653, and it wasn’t until the 19th century where the feminist theory started to rise to go against.
If you think about the history of the world, it’s been the patriarchy concept that has been around forever. It’s been only noted in the last 300 years, and feminist push back has started in the 18th century with a woman named Sarah Grimké and Elizabeth Cady Staton, who I learned about in school when I was a kid, pushing back against the patriarchy. A few more facts and then we’ll go. There are advantages and disadvantages to all genders in terms of the patriarchy. Men enjoy a sense of power, true or not. There’s also a detriment to them. Men are pushed off into the role of breadwinner. They’re pushed into the role of supporting the family. They’re the ones who tended to be drafted and they would die for their country. Recently there’s been more quality around the draft and women serving in the military in the last twenty years. Men also tend to have higher incarceration rates going to prison because society views them as more dangerous than women. While it looks like the patriarchy is all bells and whistles for men, it’s not. I don’t want to minimize the pain of women inside the patriarchy. I’m not saying that to minimize it. I’m just saying there is another side of it.
There’s also advantages of all genders for the patriarchy. The social order, it’s what we’re familiar with. It’s what we know. Two more facts that I thought were interesting. In the current House of Representatives and the Senate, women in the US, women hold 106 positions. That’s 20%. 19.28%, 23 in the Senate, which is an increase over time. In 2014, there were 24 women CEO’s in the Fortune 500, which is a low percentage, but in 2017,the number is 32. It’s an upward trend slow in terms of women coming into power. My point is this with all these boring facts, that we live in a patriarchal society and there’s been a co-creation of men and women.
My mom and dad, that’s the balance of what they know. They were both born in the ‘40s. They married young in their twenties. My dad is a brilliant businessman and as has always been in the role of breadwinner. My mom was a housewife until 1977, 1978 when I was seven or eight years old where she said, “Fuck this. I don’t want to be a housewife.” There’s a calling and went back to school and got her master’s degree and worked as a powerful therapist for ten years. I got to see in those early years the effect of a woman saying, “No, I’m breaking out of the gender role to get into the workforce.” As a child, I was the reception of media. In the media, in terms of TV, video, movies, books, we had the nuclear family. The Mad Men or the Leave It to Beaver where the guy was the breadwinner and the woman was the housewife.
It wasn’t until the ‘80s that women in media started to come out as powerful, designing women, Cagney and Lacey was a cop show, the first cop show with both women in the lead role. It wasn’t until the ‘80s. In my formative years, I saw women as mothers. My mom broke through that and actually started to work inside the house. I say this because it was unusual and I say this because there was angst in my system that I felt, and that was probably because I was so used to my mom being a hundred percent available to her being less available. In my relationship with the beautiful and brilliant Morgan, I still feel the sense of patriarchy that controls and influences our relationship. This is not my fault. This is not Morgan’s fault. This is what we live in. She was used to her previous relationship, which had also a patriarchal sense.
I worked a lot and put a lot of energy towards communicating to Morgan and communicating to myself that this is an equal and powerful relationship, and the most powerful relationship we can have together is if she really sees the influence she has in the relationship. Even though I’m the one looking like I’m making the money and the money is coming through my hands and I’m providing for the family, I have to keep reminding myself that I am as good, clean, smart and powerful I am today because of Morgan, because of her love, because of her care, because of the little comments that she makes to wake my ass up when I am off the mark.
It happened lately. I don’t only want to say where there was, but I had this idea. I was like, “I had this idea.”I texted Morgan. She was like, “That’s an interesting idea. I was like, You’re like, “You know best.” Then her little voice in the back of my head was going, “You know best? Translate that there’s something askew with your idea.” I thought about it and I was like, “She’s right. That’s a horrible idea. Got It.” The point is that I keep working to remind Morgan to be as big and as powerful, that she’s co-creating this universe. The success, the book, where we’re going together is together. She also defaults into the submissive wife role. “Honey, if you want to spend the money on that.” It drives me crazy. It’s like, no. I want to be able to bring to her all the information and we work on this together.
It’s not perfect, it’s still evolving, but that’s the energetics that I want to get to. It’s the constant reminding of the feminine. Remember feminine is in all of us, a ratio of masculine and feminine, to remind the masculine not to dominate the feminine in society, or in the couple, the masculine side say to the feminine, “Please bring all of you. Let’s find the marriage between the two of us so we can have the most powerful available.” I could live the rest of my life in my masculine and have a good life, but I also know when I invite the feminine to enhance, to compliment, and to bring the side that my masculinity pretty closed about, that’s where the most fun comes from. The best relating, the best sex, and the best creativity is in the marriage between the masculine and feminine.
How do we end the patriarchy? I’ve talked about this to other places, but it has all come together, especially the more I do interviews with people. The only way the patriarchy is going to end is that the feminine has to stand up and talk boldly, consistently, and powerfully. Like my mom went to my dad, she didn’t yell, she didn’t say, “I won’t give Rob money.” It’s not like that. She has to communicate with her power that this is something that’s important to her. It’s on women, so let’s move from the masculine and feminine to women, to continue to stand up and to tell men the truth.
I did a show with this woman who was great and I said this viewpoint, that in order for equality to happen, women have to heap up men. They have to educate men. They have to stand up and tell the truth. This is right before a break, so I threw a lot of bombs in there to be dramatic. I felt her breath. I could hear it in my headphones. She had this huge breath in and she was freaked out. She’s like, “There’s a little voice in the back of my head that wants to talk to you about this, but for now we’re going on the break.” It was almost like a sucker punch because I was so dramatic in my fashion. She came back and she’s like, “A lot of women, when we’re hear what you’re saying it is now their job to tell men, it’s now their job on top of everything else they’re doing asshole Rob, to tell men what they’re doing wrong.”
I listened and I paused deliberately and I said, “I don’t see it as their job. I see it as their opportunity.” You could look at when you’re like talking to a child, and this is a horrible analogy in some will be offended by this, but it’s true. Stop your male ego for a second and freaking listen to me. When we’re talking to our children, and I watched Morgan do this better than I do, you can get mad at the child for not understanding the concepts, how to be polite, how to say thank you or please, how to keep attention off themselves, all these things, how do math. You can get mad at the child for not knowing, or option B is you can continue to put your attention on the children to educate them, to have the patience, so they can actually learn the skill. You can basically be masculine, dominate, be feminine, receptive. With children it actually works much better to be soft and calm and patient with children so they can learn.
Men do not have the opportunity or the practice or the social credit to understand their emotions. They don’t. I’ve done more research on this and it’s more self-evident. There’s a percentage of men, the 0.001% that they are emotionally intelligent. I’m not talking to you even though you’re the ones who probably listen to my show, but for the rest of the men, they’re not given the kudos or the approval to deal with their emotions, so they’ve never had to deal with who they are. In fact, if they do deal with their emotions, they’re made fun of. “Don’t be a pussy. Don’t be a girl. Don’t be feminine,” so they’ve never had to deal with it. When they’re interacting with women, they have no concept of the impact they have on women. They don’t know. It’s not like they’re cruel beings though some of them are cruel beings, but it’s not like men or masculine is genuinely cruel. It’s a world highly uninformed and highly uneducated. It’s the opportunity of women to stand up and to educate men on their impact.
The way to end the patriarchy is on a step-by-step basis instant. One person against another person saying, “Do you know when this happens, this is how it makes me feel? Do you know when you’re in your masculine and not considering my feelings, I feel shut down. Do you know that when you’re dominating me because I sense you’re afraid, that has me withdraw? Do you know when you use that loud voice because you feel out of control, that I want to run?” It’s on women. It’s the opportunity to have women on a step-by-step basis to educate men on the impact they’re having.
Men, you don’t get to coast through this at all. In fact, you might have the harder job, though it’s hard to tell. Men, you need to unlock your male egos, you need to get off your high horse, and you need to stand up and freaking listen. Then you need to be grateful for what they’re saying because the second you get into the male ego, into the projection or the gaslight into the pushback, you’re losing her. Then you’re losing the opportunity for you to have the most epic education ever, because a woman telling you the truth is the most valuable thing you can learn about your impact. It may not be the most valuable thing how to market or how to do push-ups or pull ups, though there are some kick-ass women in my gym that I notice all the time.
If you want to learn emotional intelligence, don’t go to another man. Don’t go to me, though I’ll help with your learning process. Go to a woman so she can educate you on how to feel your feelings. Work it and be patient, and then be grateful. “Thank you for going against the grain and educating me on my impact. It is so valuable.” Morgan will tell me something, my male ego will stand up and be like, “You’re a dumb bitch. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” All the social conditioning inside of me, that program runs instantly. Then I breathe. I don’t say anything; I just sit there stoic. I let the program run and I let it diffuse and then I open up my hearing and I am grateful for the things she tells me so I can become a better man, and I’ve learned so much from her.
I want to say is again, with women so I’m clear, it’s not your responsibility to do this. It’s not your job. You don’t have to. If you want some time to be angry for a while, now that Me Too is rising, now that the cat’s out of the bag, now that guys like Tony Robbins, who is the image of masculine power and success and virility, the man is like 7’ 9”, huge muscles and with all the money, and he’s getting his ass kicked and society because his dominance he miscued, and he miscued bad. His apology was good, but not great. The point is that it’s now time for the men to say, “I’m going to listen deeply to what you’re saying. I’m grateful. I might make mistakes with this in the future. If I do it again, please keep reminding me, and then together we can form the perfect union of the masculine-feminine.” That is in my opinion the only way to end the patriarchy. If the patriarchy is a systemic minimizing of the feminine, even the feminine men, pushing that feminine down so they can feel, then the only way to turn it is to get back to that egalitarian viewpoint that both the masculine and feminine are welcome in society.
There will be times where the masculine is called forth in his situation. It’s like there’s a fire and you want to figure out the best way to get out of the fire and get the people out of the fire or that plane, the plane with a blown engine and people being sucked out. That pilot went totally into her masculine and was like, “I’m a navy pilot. I’m going to land this plane.” That is a perfect representation of a powerful woman sitting in her masculine because that’s what it required. There are times where the feminine is called forth. The raising of our children in terms of relating, to have more connective sex. Invite the feminine, invite the feeling, invite the emotions out. We need to create a society where both parts are welcome and rewarded and received. Until that happens, we’re going to stay in this stuck patriarchal, men holding onto domination that’s slipping through their fingers and people are going to get less and less enchanted and connected.
I’m going to tell you though, I had so many freaking brainstorms. I’m going to let the cat out of the bag because I can. This is what I came up with. This is a different topic. Put it down on your calendars, November fifth. It’s UnHIDDEN Day, the release of UnHIDDEN. I’m going to do a marathon book signing Tuff Love on November fifth. I’m going to do it from Woodland Hills, California, we’re going to Skype, we’re going to invite people, Ken Blackman is going to come hang out with me, all the fun people are going to come and we’re going to do a marathon book signing. Elvis and Joe, you’re coming on the show. We’re going to do a Zoom link. You’re going to come on and say hi. We’re going to celebrate the day. That’s the day.
The second thing is the money my mom and dad wanted to donate. We’re going to do a scholarship fund for all the people who want to buy a book and can’t afford it. We’re going to do a scholarship fund and I’m talking 100 books, 200 books, 500 books, whatever they want to give. People, if you can’t afford the book or you want to give the book to someone or don’t feel like spending the money, well that’s an uncool reason. If you can’t afford the book, we’re going to do a scholarship fund. I was like, “That’s a cool idea. I got turned on by that. Go for it. That’s the rant. I’m still looking for people to coach. I love hearing the sound of my own voice, but it’s more fun when I coach. If you’re listening and you’re interested in being on Tuff Love as a coachee, please email Summer@KandellConsulting.com. I do think that’s coming soon. It’ll swing and sway back with future shows as I’ve become more popular and cooler in the world, but that’s where we are, so thank you so much. Go forth, be merry. Go think about what I said and recommend the show. If you’re talking to a guy or in relationship with a guy who needs to listen to you, send him to me. Say, “You need to listen to this podcast right now, or I’m out of here.” He’ll go listen to the show. Go forth. I love you. Take care.
Thank you so much for joining us for Tuff Love. Thank you for listening to my rant on how to end the patriarchy. I hope it made sense. Sometimes doing the show I’m like, “I don’t know if this is making any sense whatsoever.” Thank God I have my live studio audience, not in the studio but live audience so I can watch their faces and I can see they’re actually understanding, so thank you so much. If you’d like to watch the show, you can go to TuffLove.Live and get the link and join in. Comments and ideas are always welcome and if not, I’m so glad to listen to the recording. For more shows, visit TuffLove.Live.