127: Getting off the Merry Go Round of Stress with Randy Spelling
Apr 17, 2018
At some point in our lives, we’ve all felt like we were being dragged around by life and on a merry-go-round of stress instead of being in the driver seat. Randy Spelling knows that feeling all too well. Coming from a very prominent Hollywood family, Randy lived a life full of glitz, glamour, and wealth. You would think it’s perfect and he had it all together, but like most people, he struggled with a low self-esteem and trying to figure out his purpose in life. Randy talks about his journey from being clueless to freedom strategist. He digs deep into the concept of over-consumption and habits of people’s daily lives that cause them to be dragged around not knowing what to do about it. Learn how to connect with yourself and stop being dragged around by your life, take the reins to be more present, have a deeper connection with their true self, and get more fulfillment out of life.
I’m excited for this episode with Randy Spelling, who is a freedom strategist up in Portland, Oregon. We talk about his history being part of a big Hollywood family, the effect on it, his own spiritual awakening and the work he’s done both personally and professionally for the last eleven years helping people find their purpose, connect to their higher goals, to work with abundance and scarcity and all the things I love to talk about. It’s a fun conversation with the man. He’s about my same age. It feels like a brother on the path. I’m excited to have him on the show.
127: Getting off the Merry Go Round of Stress with Randy Spelling
I’m very happy and excited to have a new guest, a new friend, Randy Spelling on to the show.
How are you?
I’m great. How are you doing?
I’m excellent. It’s pretty wonderful we got to do this. Before, we were chatting about what it means to live in a house full of women and girls. You said you have four females in your periphery?
I have two daughters and my wife. For spring break, my wife’s brother and his daughters came to visit and we all drove down about four hours to Southern Oregon. For five days, I was with four younger girls and then my wife and it was a whole lot of estrogen. They were talking about everything. Then there were constant negotiations. It was an interesting dynamic, fun. I got to learn a lot.
In my household, it’s Morgan, the two girls, and then two female dogs. The kids wouldn’t let me get a male dog. They had to be two female dogs. We have a mama and a baby, Scarlet and Karma. I’m surrounded by females nonstop, which makes sense. Most of my life, I tend to be surrounded by women. This is part of the course.
Welcome to the show. I’m interested and curious to talk to you. You defined yourself as a freedom strategist and you work for yourself, Randy Spelling Coaching. You help people find better lives, reach a new level of success, having happiness, and also you have something you call change in results.
In a nutshell, I help people become more free in their lives. That can take the form of many different ways, whether that’s in their finances and business, having a deeper level of connection and fulfillment in their lives, being more present and just all around. Not so much being. I don’t mean this in such a dramatic way, but being a victim of their own lives, being dragged around by life instead of being in the driver seat and feeling a little bit more awe and wonder and a part of the flow of life.
I love that, victim of your own lives. I am a big fan of victim villain, no responsibility, total responsibility dynamics. Let me go into your history a little bit. You grew up part of Hollywood royalty. Do you want to explain who your parents were and who your sister is?
My father was a television producer named Aaron Spelling. Extremely successful, incredibly creative, and he defined and shaped a lot of what television is today. My sister is Tori Spelling. She’s been an actress and TV personality since she was five. I grew up in Hollywood, in the entertainment industry, and lived a life that was unique in that there was a lot of glitz, a lot of glamour, a lot of wealth in extreme, but that doesn’t mean that it was perfect. There were many things that it was devoid of. I wished that I saw my parents more, I’m sure most kids do. We had this incredibly huge house and yet I wanted a one room house where everyone could stay together and be cozy. I’ve struggled like a lot of other people with a low self-esteem and trying to figure out how I fit in and what my purpose was in life.
People probably look at you, look at your family, and think, “They’ve got everything.” There is something in our society that says if you have wealth and money, homes, jewels, and cars, then you got it made. Not to your degree, but I grew up upper middle class with all those things. I had my share of problems. It’s a myth in our society that money will solve everything. It sounds like you were definitely a good example of that.
I’ve worked with people from all walks of life, extremely wealthy and successful and people who grew up with nothing. I don’t see that much of a difference in terms of the fundamental desires and needs that people have. In some ways, I don’t mean this that you should feel bad for wealthy people, it can be even more confusing because people look at you as having everything, which can almost make it worse. When you feel that you don’t have everything or rather you’re lacking, it becomes confusing because people don’t understand.
I have this analogy that men, which I studied men’s work, are not allowed to share their feelings, not allowed to share their problems. A lot of the issues in the world today is men don’t have the space to express, “I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m afraid. I feel self-doubt.” It’s the same thing with affluent people. It’s like, “How do you dare complain when you have all this?” What you do is you suppress it and push it inside.
That’s a big medium for coaching executives. When I work with executives and highly successful people, it’s amazing how they feel all of these things, but yet they don’t tell anybody because they feel that they have to be the leader. They’re either embarrassed or ashamed that they’re making good money and they have all this and yet they’re confused or they’re feeling like this isn’t enough or they’re missing something.
It’s funny you mentioned your sister because I went to cryotherapy, which is you go into this freezing tank for three minutes and suffer for three minutes, and your sister and her family go to the same place. I’ve run in to her twice. I recognized her because I grew up watching 90210 and all this TV. I recognized her and I wanted to say, “Hi, thank you for your impact on me and thank you for entertaining me. I appreciated growing up on some level watching you,” and this little voice in my head was like, “This is a normal person going about her day and I want to give her space to be with their kids.” Her husband was there and it’s a very interesting dynamic to run in to people, in celebrity and they’re just normal people wanting to live their lives.
I have a lot to say about that. I won’t launch into a whole diatribe about it, but when you choose to do that, there’s a difference of someone being known for being an author or being something to that extent as opposed to someone who puts themselves in the public eye and part of their business is being known and is being seen. I get both sides. I get they’re normal person and want to live their lives. There’s something about if you’re going to say hi to someone. The way that you were saying you were going to acknowledge her is a deeper recognition of something, “Thank you for impacting me.” That would probably be one of the best way is to acknowledge someone or say hi or to say, “I want to thank you for impacting me.” People in the public don’t always get that. They get people going, “Can I have your autograph?” or saying something. It’s hard to respond to that all the time as opposed to someone just saying, “I wanted to thank you. I wanted to say you made a difference in my life and thank you.” That’s the type of connection that’s valuable for everyone. We could all use more of that.
Let’s talk more about you. I lurked on your pages and got some feel for you. One thing I loved was you posted a picture of yourself ten years ago or twelve years ago. On the right is Randy today, good-looking, lean, clean lines, a little bit older but put-together and Randy on the left was a punk. That’s the way I describe him. You look puffy. You look like you were using drugs at the time. That was my impression. I don’t know if that was true or not. You looked unhappy and you looked like, “Don’t fuck with me.”
Your current picture was one of brightness and approachability and availability. The one on the left was like, “I’m afraid you might punch me if I even say hi.” I don’t know what the truth is. That was my impression as someone looking at it. You’ve gone through a huge transition from this family with wealth and position in Hollywood and you now live in Portland where you’re a coach and a father. Maybe you could express some of your transition and what you learned, what you had to give up, what you enjoy now, and if you miss anything. Give us a feel for your journey.
Even though the picture may have looked like that, I was never the type of person to say, “Don’t fuck with me.” It’s not my nature anyway, but I was in pain. There was maybe the exterior of that, but inside, I was a little boy wanting to cry and ask for help and mentorship. I got involved with drugs and alcohol when I was young and it became an addiction at around 21. I went in and out of getting into trouble. I was trying to find my way in a tumultuous ocean and I kept going under and coming back up for air and going under and coming back up for air. It reached the pinnacle. Back in 2006, I was still in the entertainment industry shooting a reality show that was against everything I believed in, in every way in which I wanted to portray myself. Right around then, my father passed away and I became unhinged. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. At that point, I said, “Either I’m going to die or I have to change.” I knew that. I had some run-ins with death. My heart stopped beating once. It was pretty bad. I know this sounds trite, but I had this moment where it was late at night one night and I fell to the floor and I said, “I believe in my heart that I’m here for more. I believe that my life is supposed to be something more than this.” From about 18 to 21, I got deeply into spirituality, psychology and metaphysics.
I read books in two days and was a voracious reader and out of deep meditation practice. I knew what it was like to feel connection. At this point, I was at my most disconnected points. I knew that life could be more because I felt it, but I said, “I’m here for more, please show me the way. Otherwise, take me out. I’m done.” That started the ball rolling. I got clean and I started to clean up my act and change many things in my life from the people who I surrounded myself with to asking myself, “Do I even want to be in the entertainment industry doing what I’m doing?” Did I do that because that was what I felt I was supposed to do? It was scary as hell because I didn’t know anything else. I didn’t know what else to do. I knew that my life was going to take a different turn. I did and I got involved with life coaching program, not necessarily to become a life coach, but to gain more skill. I started coaching people and fell in love with it. That was eleven years ago. I haven’t looked back. I’ve done a whole bunch of psychological studies, spiritual study, business study and I transformed most areas of my life.
Do you want to give some of your favorite teachers that people can learn from? Some of your favorite books? Specifically, what made an impact for you?
I love The Power of the Subconscious Mind, the old Think and Grow Rich, some of those older books. I love Eckhart Tolle, I love Deepak Chopra. When I need to simplify everything going back to the teacher like Thich Nhat Hanh and then some mindfulness practice. What I love about all of this is they all intersect. I don’t think any of them are necessarily all that different. They are different ways to get the same result.
There’s a viewpoint out there that there’s no new information, it gets repackaged differently. That’s humbling on some level because as a writer, as I’m working on my first book, I’m just reiterating what my teachers have said to me, repackage and reworked and hopefully, added value from my own experience. I had a teacher once and he said, “What’s the mystery of life and what is it?” The teacher said, “Be nice.” I’m like, “No, there has to be something more complex. There has to be something to torture myself or I got to flagellate myself.” He’s like, “No, just be nice. Be nice to yourself, be nice to others.” I get it.
Sometimes when I’m teaching or writing new content, I make an effort to distill it into its simplest form. Some of my videos that I create, some of my teaching points, they seem simple and simplified. What I found is you can get as esoteric as you want to get but if you don’t ground that into how to use that in a moment-to-moment basis, how do you apply that in your life, it just stays intellectual. It stays in the head and it doesn’t sink down into the heart, into a livable experience.
On your journey in 2006, it sounds like you hit your bottom. Was that when you were eighteen?
No, I’m just about to turn 27.
20 to 21, you found spirituality. You found the difference and then you had another five years of not living inside your purpose. Was it your dad dying was the spark? Was there one thing that activated, “It’s time for me to change?” You fell to the floor or was it a sequence of events?
Definitely a sequence leading up to it, but once my father passed away and there was a lot of familial drama happening. While I felt very alone, I knew subconsciously, “This is it. What else is there? No one’s going to pick you up. Whatever you want isn’t going to happen. You need to empower yourself, Randy. It’s time for you to do something different.” I didn’t know the ‘how’, but whatever happened and however I was guided, it was time. The major catalyst was my father passing away and knowing that something else have to change.
Let’s talk about your practice now. I noticed on your website you do one-on-one coaching, you do you group programs. How do you guide people into their greatness? You’re a passionate practitioner of change and result. Maybe you could describe what that is and what you love about it.
I say I’m a practitioner of change and result because that’s what people want when they come to me. They want change. They don’t want to see the same things show up in their lives over and over. How I work with people is looking at what needs to change and looking through the lens of freedom. First of all, envisioning, feeling, touching upon what that is and for everyone, it’s subjective. It’s different. Figuring out what is the life that they want to create, what do they want, what changes do they want to make and then reverse engineering that to see what patterns are holding them back, what things they might be doing in their lives that are contributing to the same thing happening over and over so they can get the change and the result that they want.
You start off with goals like, “Let’s look where you are now, let’s look at where you get to.” Do you find people are able to articulate their goals or is it challenging even to know what they want? Sometimes when I coach, it’s more like, “I don’t want this.” I’m like, “What do you want?” They’re like, “I don’t know. I don’t want this.” What’s a way that you have people codify or understand their goals?
A lot of times, it seems easier for people to identify what’s not working and that’s a great place to see. If they’ve identified with what’s not working, it means that we need to work on self-awareness. It means that we need to work on clarity, so they can start to be in touch with what it is they want. A lot of times I had worked with people over the years who are empathic, sensitive even more than they realize. They’re also people-pleasers. They’re doers. They’re givers. It’s very easy to do for other people and give of themselves a lot, but then they get stuck in that pattern, so when you say, “What is it that you want?” “I want more time,” or, “I would like a little bit more money,” or, “I’d like to travel a little bit more.” Then when you ask what that looks like and you start to define that, it can be hard to define because they don’t allow themselves permission. They don’t give themselves the space to see and feel into what it is they want. One of the first steps is creating that bridge, creating that connection to envision what they want and become aware of that, whether it’s what do you want to eat, what do you want to do over the weekend.
It builds that habit of getting more in tune with that. Then, it is setting goals. I’m sure you get this a lot, Rob. It’s not so much the surface goal. Goals usually are what’s the achievable thing, and the goal underneath the goal and the purpose attached to that. To explain that and ground that a little bit, someone says, “I like more money. If I can make more money, I would feel so much less stressed.” The goal underneath that might be the feeling that they think they would have once they had more money and that might be, “I would feel secure. I would feel safe. I would feel calm and peaceful.” What that tells me is what they’re searching for is to have calm and peace in their life and create more safety. I can’t say 100% of the time this is true, but a very high percentage is when they can start to create more calm and safety and the feeling that they want, the money tends to follow because that’s what’s attached to the surface goal of wanting more money.
I love that because I often see people chasing the surface level like money and then they get the money and it’s like, “This isn’t what I thought it was going to be. This isn’t what I was looking for. I want to feel that security or that calmness.” I often recommend go past the surface level desire to find out what’s beneath it.
I forget the statistic. I was talking with another coach and we were talking about the expense threshold or something where there’s a desire to have more and get more and buy more and travel more. I’m not going to lie. Having more money can solve certain problems. It does help. I’m not bashing money or saying that that doesn’t help, but at a certain point, if your expenses are $100,000 a year and you’re making $120,000, you might still be very stressed out and you’re looking at, “If I get down to $110,000 then what happens?” If you make $300,000, all of your needs are met. You’re living pretty much the way you want to live. If you had millions more, would you buy a bigger house or would you have a second house or would you travel and jet-set more? You might but what are you looking for from that?
The deeper meaning of life and how you’re living it is an experience that is internal. Your life isn’t going to change and all of a sudden, you’re going to be happy for the rest of your life because you’re jet-setting and you have two houses. It’s not going to change how you’re feeling right now. When people do get more money, it’s almost worse because it’s a huge letdown. “I have what I’ve been wanting to achieve for so long and I feel the same. In fact, there’s a part of me that feels worse or feel more stressed out. Now, I have to manage two homes. I have to hire more people to take care of those things.” The illusion of finally getting the girl or finally getting the guy of your dreams, then you get it and you still have to navigate how to live with them just like any other person.
The way I would describe it is living in scarcity or living in abundance. It’s a mindset more than external circumstance. We put a lot of weight on this external circumstance, this job, this role, this partner, this car. We look externally for validation, but it is an inside game. In my life, I had a corporate job where I was making six figures and bonuses and I felt a lot less abundant than when I was in my purpose and figuring out how much I could spend on a burrito. It’s a mindset. It’s an internal game more than external circumstance. Although, the external circumstances does help. I don’t want to minimize that either.
Running everything through personal freedom, that’s what I’m so passionate about is freeing ourselves from that dynamic, that internal rat race. We all look at the rat race outside of ourselves. What if everything that we’re seeing outside is a direct reflection of how we’re living within? Not to get too existential here but the war that’s happening or any sort of attacks or things that we look at and we go, “How can that happen?” We’re brutal to ourselves a lot of times, the thoughts that we have are undercutting ourselves. I love this exercise that I have done with people where when people become aware of some of the things that they tell themselves, some of those internal thoughts, I ask them if they’re a parent or if they’re an animal owner or lover, I say, “Would you treat your dog like that? Would you say those things to your four-year-old child?” Tears well-up in their eyes, “No, that’s horrible. I would never do that.” You’re saying that to yourself twenty times a day and that’s what you’re even aware of.
Self-flagellation, beating yourself up and it gets comfortable. It’s like, “I’m so familiar with my self-flagellation that I don’t know what it’d be like not to have it.” I’m using the self-flagellation and the pain to motivate myself, which is a good motivator. It also has its costs physically, emotionally and spiritually.
It’s a good motivator, but it’s a limited motivator. It’s very finite, limited because of destructive energy. That constructive energy is much more powerful, but it needs to be taught. It needs to be learned and there’s no limit to what you can construct. If you take a piece of land and you tear everything down on that land at some point, you could keep digging and digging and digging, but there’s only so far you can dig. There’s only so much you could take down. If you look at how much you can build, then you can keep building out. You can keep building up and you can keep changing. You can construct more, but it takes learning how to do that.
I wanted to say thank you for coming on and speaking on Tuff Love and sharing your views and your history. I’m grateful for that. Maybe you want to talk a little bit about your group programs or your private coaching so people that are interested can get in touch with you?
I’m launching a group starting in May called the Freedom Group and it’s much of everything that I’ve discussed. It’s taking the life that you’re living now and completely amplifying that, whether things aren’t going the way that you want or everything’s okay or some things are pretty good. I cook a lot and you talk about adding salt to food or squeezing some lemon on to add some brightness. It’s learning how to free yourself even more so you can have some more brightness in your life, whether it’s eating and exercising or meditating. I’m going to share all of these personal things that I’ve done over the last twelve years that have impacted my life in a major way. I’m giving this group only because I’m launching another program called The Freedom Blueprint. It’s an actual course and I’m going to give that as a bonus to everyone who signs up for this group that’s starting in May. Between the course and between all the things that I’m going to be sharing and the two monthly calls, it’s going to be a slam dunk in terms of feeling more free and figuring out what that is in your life and how to get it.
They can find that at RandySpelling.com. There is also a free e-book on the top of the website that you can check out and his courses are up there.
The Freedom Course sign up is not on the website right now, but everyone can email me through my website if interested.
There’s a contact up there and a ‘Let’s Talk’ if you’re interested. You had a dynamic life and you’ve proven the concept that you can go from that deep dark place on the floor, miserable even though you have everything to still miserable and not having a purpose. It sounds like you’re in your function and your purpose as a dad and a husband. You have an exceptional journey.
Thank you, Rob. I appreciate it. It’s been a pleasure to talk with you.
Thanks so much.
I’m grateful to Randy coming on the show. I am grateful for everyone. Downloads are increasing. I’m working my butt off for the book. Things are flying. I’m grateful to everyone for helping me along the way. It’s going to be an epic year and things are great. Thank you so much. Next week, I’ll be talking about patriarchy. It’s going to be a tricky one and I’m excited. Thank you everyone for participating. Go forth. Find your goals, find your bliss, find your freedom and until then, thanks so much for listening. Have a great day. Take care. I love you.
Thank you so much, Randy, for being on the show. Thank you all to everyone who checked in and talked about the concept of finding freedom and the paramount out in the world. Great conversation and an amazing story and the journey you’ve had, going from what people think is the perfect life where you weren’t happy, wishing for that one-room house instead of the big house in Hollywood. People can understand that in their own terms. Thank you so much for your honesty, your vulnerability and your truth. If you enjoy the show and like to give us a little loving, go to your favorite podcast apps, Stitcher, iTunes, etc. Leave us a review and leave us a little loving. You could find more shows at TuffLove.Live. Go forth. Be merry. I love you.
- Randy Spelling
- Randy Spelling Coaching
- The Power of the Subconscious Mind
- Think and Grow Rich
- Eckhart Tolle
- Deepak Chopra
- Thich Nhat Hanh
- Randy Spelling’s one-on-one coaching
- Randy Spelling’s group programs
- Freedom Group
About Randy Spelling
Randy Spelling is the Founder and Head Happiness Honcho here at Randy Spelling Coaching. He’s been coaching people for over a decade, helping them live better lives, reach new levels of success and find lasting happiness. He’s not just a coach. Or a strategist. He’s a passionate practitioner of Change and Result. With his years of expertise in what actions bring lasting transformation, Randy will help you get out of your own way and achieve the happy, fulfilled life you were born to live! (Even if you’ve “tried everything” and are ready to give up on yourself!)
Randy had to reverse engineer his life (a powerful strategy that will help you achieve your big life goals). He was born in Los Angeles, CA to one of the most well known Hollywood families in the entertainment business. He had money, celebrity, and success. And then…what else? There was more, always more…
But Randy was unaware of how to fill this void. And he tried every external thing imaginable (more on that in Randy’s book Unlimiting You!). It felt to Randy like there was some mysterious element he was missing. He wanted to be fulfilled, not live by the expectations of others. Society’s definitions of success and happiness were fine, except they didn’t leave him feeling successful or happy.
Randy struggled to find his way, crawling through low self-esteem and painfully unaware of his deeper purpose. After his father’s death and some near-death experiences of his own, at age 27, Randy set out on a mission to “find” himself and discover what it takes to reach real happiness, transform low self-esteem, decrease anxiety and overwhelm, and what leads to a truly fulfilled, connected life.
He became a credentialed life coach while continuing to dig through transpersonal psychology, spirituality, higher performance and basically the entire self-help section of Barnes & Noble on his quest! After thousands of hours searching for how to stop being dragged around by his life, but become the leader of it, Randy landed in the last place he ever thought to look – within! And this revolutionized his life. Randy became more confident about who he was and how he showed up in the world. He felt purposeful on a daily basis and connected with people in a much deeper way. Fulfillment and success became by-products of this new found connection to his True Self.
Soon after, Randy began speaking and working with hundreds of people, helping them connect with themselves and then achieve far more than they ever dreamed possible! And now Randy is here to share these simple strategies to achieve a lifetime of Happiness with YOU!
When Randy isn’t working with private clients, teaching groups, or speaking, he is usually with his wife and two daughters playing and having as much fun as possible. Randy is a foodie at heart and can talk about food for hours. He loves coffee, but only one! Laughing (and hearing others laugh) is his favorite noise. You loving yourself, your life, and your business more than you ever thought possible — that’s Randy’s mission.