Sexuality changes. It’s not something that stays the same our whole lifetime. It is malleable, it moves, and it changes as life experience, hormones, menopause, and having children happens. Sex educator Jaiya Ma was experiencing a downturn on her sex life when she started learning the Erotic Blueprint or the erotic language that shows what turns your partner on or what they want, and vice versa. Jaiya talks about her relationship to sexuality, her pitfalls, her challenges, and the concept of her Erotic Blueprint, which has been a powerful force in her own sex life and thousands of other people.
163: Your Erotic Blueprint with Jaiya Ma
I have a very special show for you with someone I really respect for years. Her name is Jaiya Ma. She’s one of the best sex educators out there in the business. In this show, we talk about her relationship to sexuality, her pitfalls, her challenges and also the concept of her Erotic Blueprint, which has been a powerful force in her own sex life and thousands of other people. If you’d like to take the quiz, visit EroticBreakthrough.com/Kandell and check it out.
I’m with the most awesome, excellent person I’ve admired for many years. Jaiya Ma, welcome to the show.
I have so much pleasure being here. Thank you so much for having me and having this conversation. It’s continually important that we are having conversations and communicating about sexuality. It’s going to lead to a good transformation.
Let’s talk about sex. I love talking about sex. I’m sure we’re going to find many ways. You’ve been doing this for a long time. You’re doing this for twenty years helping the world confront and understand their sexuality. What was your motivation? How did you end up in this world?
I came into this world erotically aware at a very young age. A lot of it has been through my own self-healing but a lot of it was the joy around sexuality. I have always had a natural curiosity and joy about sexuality. I was the one who was like, “No, babies didn’t come from there. Let me tell you the truth about where babies came from. Let me tell you about your body. Let me tell you about how it works. Let me tell you about pleasure.” No matter where I went, I was that truesome. From a very young age, complete in total care, I see my mom had pictures of me. I got to kiss boys and then tell them how to do it better. I had it from the beginning, just like people loved music or drums or accounting. I had this drive and I told my parents I wanted to be Dr. Ruth when I was a little girl. Somehow, I saw her somewhere and I was like, “This is what I want to do with my life.” Here I am, I’m doing it but I’d been doing it since I was young.
How did that go in terms of social acceptance? What I mean specifically is if you’re into music, that’s socially allowed. If you’re interested in sports, that works but you’re interested in sex. You grew up in a time, in my impression, before sexuality was progressive. We had the ’60s, which blew everything up and then we went into the ’70s and ’80s, which closed everything down. How did it feel growing up with this interest and desire to share, discuss and be free around it?
I remember being very young and the inciting events of shame. All the little shame pieces that piled up. I talked about it in one of my books. One moment that stuck out was I was playing, “I’ll show you mine and you show me yours.” I got caught and was beaten for it. It was, “You are bad. You are wrong. This is not okay and it’s not okay to be this way.” I got those messages very early on. We all have an inciting event somewhere our sexuality where we’re exploring, we’re playing doctor. We were doing something curious and were gotten shamed out of us. “Don’t touch that,” even just self-touch on our own bodies. I grew up very religious. I used to pray at night, “Dear God, I’ll stop touching myself when I turn seven. I promise.” Then I turned seven and I’d be like, “Dear God, I’ll stop touching myself when I turn fourteen. I promise.” There was somewhere in me I knew inherently that there was a message that something was not right about me and it wasn’t okay.
It was like it wouldn’t be shamed out of me. No matter what people told me, no matter what my parents said, no matter what my grandmother said, I had this thing inside of me that would not go out. It’s tight inside of me that wouldn’t go out. I took on messages of shame. I took on that’s not okay. I took on beliefs about myself but then it became my mission to unravel all of the shame that happened so that I could live sexually free. That has been a lifelong journey and continues to be a lifelong journey, learning who am I as an erotic being without all the layers of culture, shaming and parental upbringing and breaking the generational patterns that have chained my mom to her mom so that it stops with me, that it doesn’t get passed on, that that shaming doesn’t get passed on, that I’m taught that consent is okay now.
Consent wasn’t taught but, “I’m bad,” is what’s taught. It wasn’t taught that my body is my own. “I’m bad” is what’s taught or pleasure is bad is what was taught. In breaking that, teaching consent, teaching this is your body, you have a right to your body. You have a right to pleasure in that body. Maybe in our culture, it’s not okay to do it in public but over here, that pleasure is okay. Where we start to unravel all of that cultural bringing that so many of us had it, so many of us in our generation had that upbringing of shame. We did get a sex education and that sex education was oftentimes not okay or you are wrong and bad for desiring, for wanting pleasure.Get on the same page and learn each other's erotic language. Click To Tweet
My viewpoint is that the difficulties that men and women face are related to their own shame or lack of connection or their own toxic relationship with their own desire. We’re not taught. What happens is that we have these power plants inside of us fueling us and energizing us. Because we can’t connect to them, it allows the conflict, allows the bad behavior that men and women are doing to themselves and to each other. It’s a lack of relationship to it. When I say that, does that fit with your concept?
Yes, there’s a whole bunch of things that fall into what you’re saying. One, I’m not owning my own desire. I’m not owning the shame about my own desire, therefore, I’m acting out subconsciously and not consciously because of that shame about my desire or because of pain. It comes out as hatred and rage instead of, “That hurts.” We get this misdirected rage, not that rage is an okay emotion. Sometimes that is appropriate but a lot of times these are pain and shame. These emotions are so much harder and so much more vulnerable to feel for a lot of people. That instead we got to blame our non-self-responsible language around it and it’s a tricky thing. It’s like, “I want to love you and hold you to account.” At the same time, “Can I love you?” Own my pain. Own my desires. Own my shame and still hold somebody to account for their behaviors and be conscious of my own and how that created this thing together. That could take a ton of unpacking. What I said and what you said, that all can be unpacked in so many different ways but that has been my experience in my life. Oftentimes, I’ll go to see what looks like anger when I’m hurt, when I’m afraid to say, “That hurt or I feel vulnerable,” because that could be annihilation.
In an unconscious level too, partner A triggers partner B. Partner B feels pain but because pain isn’t acceptable to them or they’re not connected to it, they come out with anger or a pushback rather than taking those extra five seconds, ten seconds, 30 seconds to diagnose it like, “You hit a soft trigger point for me.”
If people went into curiosity instead of blame, shame and defend, instead we’re asking questions like, “I’m feeling angry. What’s that about? You’re feeling angry right now. I’m sensing you’re feeling angry. Let’s pause. I’m curious about that anger that you are experiencing. Can you tell me more about that?” It’s this kind of conversation. I hallucinate all the time. I hallucinate a million times a day. I often will say things like, “I’m hallucinating that with my partner because I want to make sure that I’m not projecting my own story, shame, pain or whatever illusions that I’m having at that moment on to him.” That’s been a useful tool because then he can be in lesser defense or getting angry back and more in a place of, “Let me get curious about that hallucination that you’re having about me.
I never heard hallucination in that context. Can you describe what that means and what you mean in this particular instance?
I can give you an example. My partner and I were teaching a class and he was fumbling. I was like, “I have to take control.” My control mechanism started coming in, so my hallucination is that you don’t have me. I can’t trust you and therefore I can take over the whole class. My hallucination is that you’re ungrounded and need to get your shit together like, “What the fuck is going on? I need to take control and take over this whole class.” It’s this whole piece and then he goes, “It’s not really this but it is this.” We were doing this live in front of people because it’s in a class. I stopped the whole thing we were doing as I was having a trigger. What’s interesting is oftentimes it isn’t even him that’s triggering me. I was more triggered by what’s up in the culture right now and not recognizing that I had been reading a whole bunch of articles right before we got into class. It was like, “What was it?” Then I can get curious about that. It took me a few hours to get there.
When you teach with someone, there’s a secret expectation that you’re going to back each other. You’re not going to call these things out. I could imagine you’re modeling that in front of a class was such a powerful experience rather than some silence that we tend to do.
Which anybody feels anyway. That’s why I call it out because I’m more committed to being authentic than I am committed to being perfect. I’m more committed to teaching from what’s real than committed to trying to hide something that everybody sees anyway energetically, or it comes out later and it bites in the butt. That’s me as an energy drain. It’s like, “Let’s be real. Let’s be who we are and authentically teach from where we’re at instead of trying to be the perfect model of mom and dad for everyone.”
Let’s take us back a little bit to your history. You grew up with this Dr. Ruth desire. You woke up with this vision and around this openness around sexuality. What was your first step in your career? What was the first milestone to making this your life purpose?We can walk away with our sexuality knowing that we're not broken, we're normal, and that we're enough. Click To Tweet
I would say romance novels. I was a teenager and I was going to the library. I love the library. I would get romance novels and any book I could find on sexuality and get it home. I would read book after book after book. This was before I had intercourse for the first time. I would read every romance novel, every book about sex I could get my hands on and dive into it. Then self-pleasure, my own body became my place of exploration. I was self-pleasured from a very early age. My own body became such an experimentation playground. Then it became lovers once I started having intercourse of, “I read this thing in a book. Would you like to try it? I read about this thing called a clitoris. Let’s play with that thing in my body that is all about pleasure.” There’s a great book called Dilemmas of Desire. I highly recommend reading it. It’s an interview with high school girls and they talk about sexuality with high school girls. Out of all the girls that they interviewed, 2% took sex education in their own hands. They educated themselves, talked to their parents about sex, talked to their doctors about sex. I was one of those strange girls. It’s that thing, I had this drive for knowledge, wisdom and teaching others in this area. I took matters into my own hands. I went to the gynecologist. I told my mom, “I want to go to the gynecologist. I want to know what’s going on with everything down there.” I went to the gynecologist and I was like, “Can I have mirrors? Can we do an anatomy class?” This guy did not know what to do with me. He was like, here’s a fifteen-year-old, sixteen-year-old girl coming here asking him to show me. He had the assistant in there. He was like, “I can’t do that.” Instead, he gave me a piece of paper and I was so disappointed. He gave me a diagram. I was like, “I’ve seen the diagrams in the books. I want to see where my stuff is.” That was me.
You were progressive. Your early lovers, your early sexual experiences, were they gratifying? Did you feel it was being scratched? What I’m imagining is you owning your sexuality led to a lot of pleasure. You owning who you are and not sugarcoating it saying, “I want this, this and this.” It must have led to a very open dialogue with these very lucky boys I assume.
Most of my early experiences were good experiences. This is what they taught about in Dilemmas of Desire. It’s that most girls’ experience is not a good experience. It’s something that just happened. It’s something that they got drunk or it happened to them. It wasn’t this great experience. For me, because I was educating myself, because of my curiosity and because I was playing with my own body, by the time I had intercourse for the first time, it was great. Not only that, it was with somebody who was from a foreign country. They knew what they were doing because they had sex education, somebody from Scandinavia. My first sexual experience was amazing. It was so romantic and awesome. We did it once and it was over quickly because it was the first time. It was like, “Let’s do it again.” It was amazing and everything that I wanted. Looking back on blueprints, it fed my erotic blueprint because he left the next day to return back to his country. I got to long, yearn and have this experience then get to my own and I get to yearn and long for him. My early experiences when I think back on them, the very beginning ones were great. Then I had to figure out relationships because I had educated myself from romance novels. I got to this romantic big, amazingness and then I couldn’t quite figure out the relationship piece. That has been a lifelong journey as well and so is sexuality. I’ll never stop learning about sex. What separates masters and erotic players from other people is I continue to constantly learn about sexuality. I’m still learning this after years of more than self-exploration.
There’s this question I’ve read in this viewpoint that men can separate sex and love or sex and relationship, but women tend not to. Women tend to embed or conjoin sex and relationship or sex and love. What is your experience or what is your viewpoint on that?
My viewpoint wavers on this. The reason being is that it ties in the blueprints. My blueprinting map has been more sexual but also my attachment style was to avoid it, for those of you who know attachment styles. Take sexual mapping with avoidant attachment style. I am very much of like, “I can have sex without needing love.” At least that’s the story that I’ve told myself most of my life. I’m healing trauma and I’m remapping myself. In the feeling of my trauma, I’ve healed the avoidant attachment style. Then healing the avoidant attachment style, now it’s like I need to know that I’m loved. There’s something in the healing of trauma. I don’t know if my sexual style was a product of trauma that I’m now healing and that’s why things are changing, but I have been a woman who doesn’t necessarily need to have love and sex conjoined. I can have a lot of hot sex and not necessarily need to now have a relationship or love with the person that I’ve been with. I’m questioning, “Is this a product of childhood trauma that I created an attachment style that was not a bonding type?” I’m going to bust the myths about men. My partner is an anxious person and he likes love. What I’ve discovered about myself is I do need love when I’m having intercourse, but I can have no love and play erotically energetically with somebody. I can play sensually with somebody and not need love, but intercourse had all this meaning. I needed love for intercourse. I knew many men who need love in order to have sexual relations with women. I’d like to bust myths. Maybe it can be a general thing, but it comes down to blueprints and attachment styles.
Let’s jump into blueprints because that’s the core of your work. I have friends who have become blueprint coaches and they just love your work. What is your Erotic Blueprint? What is the basis of it and what would be the benefit for people to take the quiz and invest in understanding their own blueprint?
For me, I’ll talk around my personal experience because I teach a lot from authentically what’s going on. My partner and I wouldn’t be together now if it weren’t for the blueprints. It gave us a language of understanding each other’s eroticism that allows us even if our sexuality changes. Sexuality changes, it’s not something that stays the same our whole lifetime. It is malleable. It moves. It changes. Life experiences happen. Hormones happen, menopause happens, having children happens. In our lives, sex will change. It brought us back together after the birth of our son when we were having a hard time. Here I am a sex educator. I know all the sex techniques. I’ve been doing this stuff, reading romance novels and learning about this since I was a teenager. I know hundreds of sex techniques. I’ve written three books with hundreds of sex techniques. I’ve got the oral sex book and the erotic massage book. All this stuff and I couldn’t get my partner to have sex with me. I’m the sex expert and I’m not having sex. This was a painful time. I felt incongruent with my work but also unattractive. Here I am imagining us in bed, coming to bed and touching his genitals. I’m trying to get him turned on and saying, “Let’s have sex,” and he says, “Not tonight again, honey,” for three years in a row. I’d roll over and cry myself to sleep at night. I feel incongruent with my work. I was like, “What’s wrong with me? He doesn’t love me. He’s not attracted to me.” He’d come to bed and snuggle with me and I’d think, “We’re going to sleep again,” but I didn’t know that he was initiating some sexual interaction because his way of initiating was cuddling. My way of initiating was touching his genitals. He’d roll over and I’d roll over. As soon as he started cuddling with me, my body would freeze up. You take that as a message of, “She’s not into this so I’m just going to go sleep.” We both roll over.It’s okay to ask for what you need and negotiate that with your partner. Click To Tweet
This was three years of this thing happening. It was when we started learning the Erotic Blueprints and it was my own framework, which was funny. Here I was discovering it. I was uncovering it in my work and I was like, “I need to figure out what his blueprint is and him to figure out what my blueprint is. That’s going to change this thing.” We stumbled upon it because of a book that I was contracted to write on kink. I didn’t even have the kink blueprint in the model because it wasn’t on my radar. We discovered that that’s what he was, and it completely reignited everything in our relationship combined with some other things that we did. This was huge. Getting on the same page and learning each other’s erotic language brought us back together. Not only that, we’d use it as a tool over and over again.
My Blueprint map didn’t completely change. If we didn’t have that language, he wouldn’t have known what to do with it. He would have been like, “Why doesn’t she want to have sex? Why is she pushing me away?” Instead of, “The blueprint has changed, now I know what to do,” and he knew what to do. Not only that but it gives me a language. It gives anybody who learns the blueprint like, “I have a language now. I understand why I’m turned on, what I want and I can now tell that to someone else.” A lot of people walk around feeling like they’re broken or weird sexually like, “I must be wrong because I don’t fit into the cultural model. Something must be wrong with me because I’m not fitting into what the culture says I should be like as a man or a woman or something in between. I’m not hitting those cultural norms, therefore I’m weird or broken.” I want everybody to walk away and I keep saying this every single interview I do. You are not broken. You are normal and you are enough. If we can walk away with our sexuality knowing that we’re not broken, we’re normal and that we’re enough. There are some people right now their minds are going, “Me, I’m the broken one.” You’re not broken. You can be a work in progress, but you’re not broken. The number one feedback we get from people is, “I’m not weird. It’s okay to be turned on by this. It’s okay that I do this during sex.” It’s okay because there’s no normal. When it comes to our sexuality, there are all kinds of things that people love and like. There are so much out there that people are into. You can search anything and you’ll find it on sex. It can be a turn on for somebody and they’re all on it.
Thank you so much for revealing those three years. You do definitely live authentically. That’s been my impression of you the entire time I’ve known you. That’s a pretty amazing thing to say publicly. Hopefully, people who are not having sex with their partners and to hear that as a sex educator who went through that experience will hopefully be like, “It’s a pretty amazing thing.”
There are people out there in that same place and how painful it is. I hope that that story can inspire you to know that there is help. There’s something on the other side and that’s a lot of hot, juicy sex that I have now.
Let’s talk about the blueprint itself.
There are five of them. The first one is energetic and the energetic is someone who’s turned on by space, anticipation, longing and tease. I talked about this when I was talking about my first erotic experience of intercourse where I had all this yearning and longing afterward. My blueprint was so perfect. The superpowers of the energetic, when I talk about superpowers I don’t mean for anybody to feel wrong or bad if they’re not having these things or these experiences orgasmically. I’m talking about what’s possible. I truly believe that when we talk about what’s possible, it becomes the possibility in the feeling and in the mind. Then we start to see this happening for more and more people. I talk about the possibility not to make anybody feel inadequate but only to share. This is what could be possible if you want.
I can have orgasms without being touched. I can think myself into orgasm. I can smell something and go into an orgasm because of the energy of it. I remember drinking a smoothie and I could taste the sunlight and the oranges in the smoothie. It’s very energetic. I could taste all the way back to the sun growing the orange. I went into total ecstasy and total orgasmic full-body experience from drinking that smoothie on that day. This idea of orgasm being like orgasmic state and going into these orgasmic states, going into these ecstatic states of consciousness is one of the superpowers. It’s one of many of the energetic. Energetics on the shadow side and I’m talking of the shadow only if it’s something that distresses you or distresses the people around you and your partner, then it becomes a shadow. A shadow is hierarchical thinking. I used to be very energetic.
My dive into a lot of sex education was through tantra. I had a hierarchical thinking. I’m more enlightened than other people because I don’t eat meat. I’m more enlightened than other people because I don’t watch television. I’m better, there’s a little snooty snotty, “My way is better and more enlightened than your way.” I had this hierarchical thinking that separated me and kept me separate from other people. At my age of nineteen, I knew everything. This can be very much of a shadow of the energetic. Another shot of the energetic is hyper sincerity. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced this. There’s also this sense of anticipation. There’s all this build up and there’s all this tease. All these things are about to happen. Then your genitals are touched or your breasts are grabbed or something like that happens. Then all of the turn-ons drop to zero and you’re like, “Where did it go?” You don’t say anything about it. You keep pushing yourself through it and not going to pause. You need to pause.
Let’s have it. That is very much of an energetic shadow. We’re very sensitive. Too much, too quick, too fast shuts the nervous system now. It causes a short circuit out and not feeling a lot of pleasure that we were feeling, with all the anticipation. We cannot speak up so boundaries are hard for energetic sometimes you go, “I didn’t want that hug.” We can project on other people who are saying, stating, or holding somebody to your account is painful for them. We will take the pain on ourselves. How many times have I overwritten my own body even knowing everything that I know? Knowing all the consent conversations and yet I’ll still be in the throes of something with Ian and something doesn’t quite feel right, and I won’t say anything. I won’t say, “I don’t want that part of my body touched tonight,” or I won’t speak up because I’m projecting that that is an imposition on to my partner or it will be painful for him or something like that. Not having clear boundaries and not speaking those boundaries even we judge them.
There are a lot of energetics who don’t like to be touched at all, but they won’t say that. They’ll override themselves or they only want to be touched in certain situations and it doesn’t make you bad, wrong, weird or broken. You might need that boundary of, “I need to be asked before you touch me.” Ian and I, because I’m in so much healing, I said, “I need you to ask for everything. No blanket consent. I need you to ask for every single thing.” This is eleven years of relationship. We went into a consent conversation where he was asking me for a hug, a touch, a hand hold, a kiss. After eleven years in a relationship, we renegotiated all of that. That’s important for energetics to know that if you need that at some time, it’s okay to ask for that and negotiate that with your partner. Ask for what you need and say, “I don’t want that hug. Can you please ask me before you hug me? You’re not weird, wrong or broken. It might be a need for divorce at that moment in that time where you are in space.
The sensuals are turned on by all of their senses being ignited. This is someone who when they’re eating, they’re going to mum. They love music. They like to slow dance. They like body to body contact. They want closeness. The energetic needs space, the sensual wants to be all up on the grill. Sensuals are the touchy-feely people. The people who are touching themselves when they have a furry sweater on. They’re twisting their hair. They’re feeling their hair. They want the essential oils, the hot bath and the candles. All of the taste, smell and deliciousness of sex, they bring the erotic artistry to sex. That’s their superpower. The sensual can have full-body orgasms, non-genital orgasms. When they’re in their body, their sexuality is as glorious like writhing, yummy, delicious. They just want to moan and touch.
The challenge of the sensual as a shadow side is they get caught up in here. The superpower being in their body is like all this yummy but then they get stuck up here. They’re thinking about, “The music’s not right. My partner’s breath stinks. The breath is not right. Did they eat onions earlier today? They forgot to return that phone call.” They’re caught in that monkey brain instead of being in the brain that you need for sex. Everything’s offline. They have this too much online. Getting out of their head and into their body is one of their biggest tools or having these struggles. They need to relax in order to go into the sexual space or sensual space. They need relaxation for that to happen. They also sometimes cannot muster sex, sweat and body fluids. They can be like, “I don’t like that. I want to be all up in your body, but I don’t want your sweat.” That can also be a shadow aspect of the sensual.For the sexuals, sex is like water, food, air. When we're having it, everything is right in the world. Click To Tweet
The next one is the sexual. The sexual is what we think of in our culture as sex turned on by nudity, turned on by penetration, turned on by the climax, getting into that climax, having the penetration, having an erection, having wetness. This is what sex is and their superpower is they can go from zero to 60 arousal. Their superpower is sex is simple. It’s all good. It’s like pizza, you put some cheese on it, put some pepperoni, some sauce, put in the oven, we eat it and it is always good. That can be a great superpower in that there is simplicity. They bring joy. They bring the fun to sex. They bring the primal to sex. These are some of the things that are the sexual superpowers. I was a sexual. My blueprinting mapping was sexual. For the sexuals, sex is like water, food, air. When we’re having it, everything is right in the world.
Hearing my story about Ian and me, I’m a sexual primarily. He is sensual. I’m grabbing his genitals and I’m saying, “Let’s have sex.” He’s cuddling with me. My sexual is starving and he’s starving for touch. I’m mostly sexual energetic. Put it in me but don’t touch me a whole lot. He’s like, “Let’s cuddle. Let’s slow dance.” He approaches from the sensual almost all the time. The shadow side of the sexual is something’s wrong with everybody else. They are most frequently the one who’ll say, “All my other girlfriends were okay. All my other boyfriends were okay.” Something is wrong with you when you ask for energetic touch or sensual, any of the other blueprints. They have this very limited narrow definition of what sex is, “Successful sex is X goes into Y, climax happens then we’re all good.” This is limited and a little bit selfish. Some of us can be a lot less selfish. I was very selfish. I don’t want to have to do all that stuff. Let’s just get to this stuff. I would walk in the room and get it out.
This is me, a sex educator who goes tantra. This is my blueprint map. I’m approaching in my own relationship with my partner from this different map. Having a baby changed things. I’m like, “We have a limited time. The baby might wake up.” I got into this patter that we’ve got to get it quick. The next one is the kinky. The kinky blueprint is someone who’s turned on by a taboo. This can be anything that’s taboo for you. Anybody who is thinking about kink and what that means we need to open up our definition here of what we imagine when it comes to kink. I have clients who never had sex at a missionary position. Everything was very taboo for them. They felt very much into this blueprint of having sex out of a different position or anal sex. People ask me the question, “Is anal sex a kinky blueprint? Is it a sexual blueprint?” I’m like, “It can be any blueprint. It can be energetic, it depends on how you do it.”
It’s about the way that you’re doing any sexual acts and does it feel naughty? Does it feel taboo? That’s when it starts to fall onto the kinky. There are two different elements to the kinky. There’s the psychological, not somebody who’s turned on more by the power play and the dynamics. It’s somebody being dominant or somebody being submissive in more of a psychological way. It’s saying something like, “Spread your legs. Do that slower. That’s the way that I like it.” It may be like bossing someone around in the bedroom with consent. Consent is always the foundation of all of this. That can be a psychological play, fantasy play, mind sex. These are some of the things that might fall into the psychological realm. Then we have the more sensation based kinky and that’s people who are like Ian, my partner. He loves constrictions. The feeling of ropes on his body and being tied up, spanking, impact play, intense sensation. Kink does not equal pain. A lot of people associate it with pain. It can be highly pleasurable. People who experience pain and find it pleasurable in within the kink realm.
The superpower of the kinky is endless creativity. I could play in the kinky realm for the rest of my life and never have played with all the different things that could fall into this realm and category, especially when you get into the BDSM and start looking at it like, “I didn’t even know that was a thing,” and playing with that. It’s not even a taboo for me. All these things that are in the kinky realm and all the creativity that’s there is endless. Also similar to an energetic, they can go to altered states of consciousness. It’s a subspace. It’s a dom space. Finding these altered states, that’s been an avenue for me to expand into the kinky blueprint that has been going into these altered states of consciousness and playing the psychological realm of energy within it. It has been the way that my partner, Ian and I, have found our way in.Sexual incompatibility is a communication issue and not a compatibility issue. Click To Tweet
My partner, Ian, is primarily kinky but the shadow side of the kink is the shame. Here I am a sexologist, I talk about people’s deepest shame but the number one thing that I hear is, “I’ve never told anyone this before.” I hear that on a daily basis. Here’s my own partner, I knew he was a little bit kinky but I had no idea the depths of what his turn on was, the taboo, the realm, the edges that he can go to until we were five, six years into our relationship. He started playing for my book research in the kink realm. The shadow of the kinky is shame, “I don’t want to talk to my partner. I don’t want to reveal what my turn-ons are. I don’t want anyone to know about this.” This deep, dark shame was thinking kink was never fed into what your authentic desires are, or they can act out subconsciously. They can be areas of beating yourself up or seeing self-hatred even if you allow it to go there. That’s one. I’m giving everybody plus notes. There are more positives and superpowers and shadows to all of these.
The last one is a shapeshifter. If you heard yourself in all of these types, the shapeshifter is someone who is all of them. They’re energetic, they’re sensual, they’re sexual, they’re kinky. They have the vocabulary to speak all these. These are the languages and they are multilingual. They can speak every language. Their superpower because of that is that they can shapeshift to be whatever anybody wants them to be. They are the greatest lovers in essence. They can also have all the orgasm superpowers. Once cultivated, they can relate, hone all those superpowers. The shadow, the flipside though is because they are shapeshifting everybody else’s needs, oftentimes they are starving. They judge themselves as too complex, too much somewhere because they have often been told they’re too much. You want too much and you ask too much.
What I like to reframe this is they are the most erotically intelligent and they have the biggest capacity for pleasure. I’m somewhat envious of the shapeshifters’ capacity for pleasure because of my work I can give them change and shapeshift. I can give all the different ways, but I still cannot receive. My body still short circuits if I’m trying to receive that much pleasure. I’ve seen shapeshifters have six, seven, eight hands on their body, toys going all at once. They’re tied up and they’ve got everything going. It’s like two hours in and I’m like, “Come on over. Do you give yet?” They’re like, “No, we’re just getting started.” They can go for so long and not short circuit. I’m like, “How do you do that?” I’m amazed at how much pleasure a shapeshifter can receive. You do have to be careful as a shapeshifter that you are getting fed and that you are all doing all the blueprints and that you’re not just molding yourself to be what everybody else wants you to do.
You have the Erotic Blueprint quiz at EroticBreakthrough.com/Kandell. They take the quiz and they get the first feed, another tease I’m assuming of who they are. What can they do with the results of the quiz? What are some pragmatic steps once you understand these pieces?
When you take the quiz, this is an assessment. Go there and take the assessment and then we’ll tell you what your percentages are in each one of these blueprints. They are five. I gave you just one. Most people are not like one static blueprint. We are a combination of all of these blueprints. You’ll see percentages and people get confused like, “I was 26% of three, then I was zero of one.” It’s okay. You could be three of these blueprints pretty equally. That’s one thing in interpreting. It’s like you’re all those three things that they come up very close in our percentages. My first time of taking the test I was 33% sexual and then under that was energetic. It was a little less. Then I have zero kinky. My partner is kinky and he had zero sexual on his test when he took it.
It was interesting to see exactly the percentages. That gives you a clue. You’ll get a video of me talking about that. It will pick automatically the top one. You’ll get a video on that, so you can take that even deeper. If you have a partner, I recommend having your partner taking the quiz as well, so you can see like, “How was I playing out?” and be able to have a discussion and a conversation and start that conversation of, “Who are we as erotic beings? What do I want in bed and what do you want in bed?” In that way, we can start to have and open up a conversation. I can’t tell you how many people never have the conversation about, “What do I want? What do you want? Are we doing that in bed?” It’s this unconscious fumbling around. This gives you an opportunity to stop that. If you’re not in a relationship, if you’re single, you now have a map to communicate with anybody in your future and to start uncovering that. Once you know your blueprint that’s the start. You need to learn how to feed the blueprint. What is your blueprint like? How is it fed? We’ll get some more information about that.
There’s a three-part video series running that’s going to show you. I’m going to work with people, you’ll see me working with people. Feeding the blueprint is important. Learning how to speak the blueprint is the next step, speaking of the words and vocal tone but it’s more important than the body language that you use with each blueprint. People talk about seduction, but to me, it’s not seduction. It’s about learning how to honor someone. Seduction is honoring someone. It’s not a manipulation. Seduction gets tapped into manipulation or coercion. To me, this is about knowing who someone is and honoring them by speaking the body language, the verbal language and the vocal tone that they understand so that they then feel, seen and heard. Most of us want to feel, want to be seen and heard and that we are not abnormal. The speaking helps with that.
The third piece is healing the blueprint. Healing is healing of shadow parts that I was talking about. It’s healing trauma. I look at healing on four different levels: emotional, biochemical, energetic and also physical. It’s healing those shadow pieces from all four of these are important. The fourth and final one is expanding the blueprint. Our blueprint essentially shows us where we’re limited. I learned how to expand into the kinky blueprint. I was very low, it was 5% on my first test. That went and came way up. Now, it’s like 0%. That’s a whole change. It has bounced around different places. I did work consciously on Ian’s turn on becoming my turn on and wiring myself to now have a kinky blueprint map and expanding into that as possible.
People talk about sexual compatibilities and it’s another niche like one of us. It’s not that you are sexually incompatible. If you are highly sexual and your partner is a high energetic, it’s just that you speak different languages. If you spoke Spanish and your partner spoke English, you wouldn’t go, “I love you too bad. Let’s break up. We speak different languages.” No, you would say, “I love you. I’m going to learn how to speak English. If you love me, why don’t you learn how to speak Spanish and then we can communicate better?” That’s exactly what this is. It’s a communication issue and not a compatibility issue. I want people to know that and that’s where the hook comes in. I didn’t speak Persian, which is kinky. I learned how to speak that and even how to become fluent in it and how to enjoy it. I’ve wired myself to do. Ian did not speak energetically. He thought it was a bunch of woo-woo BS. He was so skeptical like, “What? No, I’m not. I don’t get it.” He has expanded so much in energetic now. I’m so proud of him. Energetic is now a turn on for him. He can have energetic orgasms. He can have multiple orgasms. He can have non-genital orgasms. A lot of that was from tapping into energetically.
It feels like we just don’t know why we’re not connecting sexually. It feels like it’s this big mystery. I don’t think what you’re saying is simple but what you’re saying is there’s a path, a sense of hope. It doesn’t have to be that you spend the rest of your life married and loving someone and not speaking their sex language or their blueprint, so I feel that. I’m going home to take this quiz with Morgan. We’re taking this quiz because I’m not sure which one I am. Maybe that’s a good thing.
I do want to say this about the quiz, it’s mental. The best way to determine your erotic map is to the body. It’s then looking at the mental and then looking at the body. We do have games and different things that we teach that help you determine it from what the body says and not what the mind says.
The quiz leads to a product, so they can work deeper with you. What’s the next step after the quiz?
Two times a year, we open up an enrollment for our Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough course. We’ll be opening to the public. If anybody wants to join that course, we’ll have that available during this time.
That course is online available anywhere?
It’s an online course only available twice a year. Get to EroticBreakthrough.com/Kandell.
Check it out because it’s time to learn some new languages. Thank you so much for coming on the course and for giving us this important education. Hopefully, all of our audience is astounded about the possibility and maybe some frustration. You saved your relationship and other relationships can be saved. Thank you so much for doing the work that you do.
Thank you for your voice out there too.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It’s my great pleasure. Thank you, everyone.
Thank you so much for joining. The book is coming out, a workbook is coming out. There are lots of stuff coming out. I’m going to delay the book because I want to do this quiz. I’m finding about my language. Thank you for heading over to EroticBreakthrough.com/Kandell. Go check out your quiz to find out which type you are. Thank you so much. Go forth. Get some nookie. I love you.
About Jaiya Ma
Internationally recognized, award-winning sexologist and best selling author (Red Hot Touch), Jaiya is the creator of the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ and the Erotic Blueprint™ Quiz. Through more than two decades of client observation and clinical research, she discovered a map of arousal that reveals your specific erotic language of arousal, a revolutionary framework to create a deeper connection and sexual satisfaction.