Women these days are starting to look for something else. Being a provider as a man, to succeed these days, at least from a dating perspective, isn’t enough. You have to have social confidence. You have to become the person who brings the whole package, someone excited about his life, someone who’s got his own friends and his own thing going on. You have to be in shape and you have to understand women, too. The traditional role that men have been led to believe from back in the day doesn’t apply anymore. Men have to evolve if they want to date the evolved women.
Myke Macapinlac’s job is to lay out a specific plan that’s easy to implement to help men become a person of value, a people magnet, and someone worth getting to know, not just to attract partners but to make friends and even to have leadership positions at their workplace. Myke is the program director at Social Confidence Mastery. He lays down some serious knowledge about how to find yourself, how to work past your own fear, how to look at your own anxiety, and how to interact, succeed and connect with women in today’s world.
146: Social Confidence with Myke Macapinlac
In this podcast we have, Myke Macapinlac, amazing guy on the concept of social confidence. He helps men, mostly in STEM, Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics, guys with good degrees who have good hearts but don’t know how to interact socially and lack social confidence. Myke lays down some serious knowledge about how to find yourself, how to work past your own fear, how to look at your own anxiety, your image make-over. How to interact, succeed and connect with women? For more shows, please visit RobertKandell.com. Let’s join the show in progress.
I’m very excited to be here. I’m here with Myke Macapinlac. We’ll be talking with you about social confidence, you as a social confidence coach, talking about men, shy guys, how to find confidence, the steps, and social graces. Myke and I met. I was on his podcast. There’s a bias in society against the concept of the pickup artist, against the guys, and against seduction. Having taught, interacted and met many of the teachers, there is this question of pickup artists and what they’re doing. Would you first explain the difference of what it means to help guys with social confidence compared to a pickup artist?
We’ve all heard of the saying, “In life it’s not what you know, but who you know.” You go to school, you learn physics, math and chemistry and no one teaches you how to become more socially confident. My job and what I do for my students is I lay out a specific plan. It’s easy to implement. To help them become a person of value, a people magnet, someone worth getting to know. Not just to attract partners, but to make friends and even to have leadership positions at your workplace. I’ve dabbled into the whole pickup artist stuff, especially when I started out because I didn’t know any better.
I Googled how to attract women and that’s all the material that came up online when I was for information to solve this issue of my life back then on Google. My perspective on the pickup artist industry is that their sole reason for going out and interacting with people is to have sex with women, to have one night stands. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s your goal. It’s about defining what you want as a person and acting accordingly. If you want to get good at building a quality network, making friends and having lasting relationships with everybody, then work with a social confidence coach. If you want to go out there, get laid and you don’t care about other aspects of your life, then work with a pickup artist. It’s up to the person.
That was the thing about pickup artists is I would say to him, “You’ve worked so hard to get the phone number. You’ve done the approach, now what do you plan to do with them?” They’re like, “I am not quite sure. This is the first step.” I had to say to these guys, “I am happy you’re taking the steps to get out of your shell, to move past this introverted way because I was a total, geeky, unpopular nerd growing up and it took a lot to come out of my shell to start talking to girls. It took a lot to take that step. I sad, “That’s awesome.” You’ve gotten the phone number, what are your social graces? What are you going to do when they were pretty much clueless?
I can only speak from my experience. When I was learning this stuff, I learned the methods. How to approach, how to get out of small talk, how to banter, how to tell these stories, and how to get the phone number, the first date and all the way to the bedroom. I never understood how to improve myself image. I never understood how to find my passion, how to create a lifestyle that I’m excited about. I’m going out, I’m meeting all these girls and I’m having some success. I was going on dates and I was getting laid, but then a small part of me still felt empty. I didn’t feel fulfilled. I find that at some point my lines and my routines ran out and I have to be the real me. I never took the time to understand who I was, then everything came crashing down like a house of cards. I didn’t have the lifestyle, the self-image, and the self-esteem to be able to keep those women in my life. I was good at getting them in. After a week or a month at most, they would all leave because I never resolved my underlying insecurities and issues, which later on surfaced in the interaction.
What is your impression? What is your instinct of why guys have low self-esteem? What about their upbringing? In our society, what do you think is the co-creation of those at the low self-esteem?
My perspective around that topic is that most guys never take the time to ask themselves, what they want, and B, if what they’re doing is serving them. For example, I’ve worked with a lot of guys around this area for the last six years. Most of them spend way too much time, number one, on their phone and in front of their computer. Their mind’s always preoccupied. They never have the time and space to be able to question their thoughts like, “Your mind is telling you that you are not good enough,” and most guys take that verbatim. They never questioned the fact that, “Compared to who?” or like, “I don’t feel I’m worthy of this woman,” and it’s like, “Compared to what?”or like, “Other guys won’t think that what I have to say is interesting.” According to whom? Most guys never take the time to question their thoughts. They don’t have enough space throughout their day because they’re busy at work, commuting, being on social media, watching TV to ask themselves, “What is it that fires them up and gets them out of bed? What they want to get out of life?”
The image I have and also I know is we can use these things as a way to not confront, a way to avoid. We can use our phone, we can use our TV and we can use work. All these things are ways to not look at these insecurities that we have, these fears that we have. I’ve sensed in this generation a lot of guys giving up, just being like, “This isn’t worth it. This never works in my path.” When you meet guys, who are just like, “Why bother?” I’m sure if they come to you and they’re willing to spend time and money with you, they’re taking a step. How do you talk to guys who are like, “I’m never going to meet the woman of my dreams anyway. Why even try?”
What other options do you have? That’s what I ask them. What are you going to do? I don’t know what else is there to do, if you’re not going to put in effort and take care of this yourself. I’ve met guys before from India or the Middle East where their parents did do some arranged marriage. I worked with a guy before who got divorced because the girl that his parents picked wasn’t compatible for him. He said it’s not what he wanted. If you’re not going to take control of this part of your life, who will? It’s like being out of shape. No one’s going to lose the weight for you. You have to go to the gym and eat healthy if you want to create lasting changes. Why bother? What other choice do you have? That’s my question.
It takes a lot to confront your fears, your demons and your upbringing. Kudos to the guys who do come to you and say, “I want more.” That’s a big step in speaking and finding your desire for someone. Let’s talk about the real me. Let’s talk about the concept of why people wear facades? Why people hide behind imagery? What do you think has people hiding themselves?
I’ve been doing this experiment where I don’t touch my phone before 11:00. This is a fine balance because both you and I run online businesses. We have to produce content, post on social media, reply to emails and reply to messages. If I catch myself being on social media for too long, after the hour, two hours that I spent on Facebook or Instagram. I don’t feel good about myself. I’m being exposed to all this curated content out there. Guys’ physiques should look like this. Guys’ style should look like this. These are the types of women that I should be dating. This is the lifestyle that I should be living. I forget that I’m comparing myself to these things and they’re unrealistic. They’re curated images and messages online and messages, without asking myself, “What do I want? Is this for me? Am I moving towards my version of success versus another person’s version of success?”
That’s what’s killing people is they think, “That guy has got it all handled.” I saw this article passed on by a friend of mine who talked about a self-made man. This concept of, “I did this by myself,” but the article revealed that he was helped by his parents and his grandparents. We have the sledge hammer that we carry around. Every time we look at social media, every time we compare ourselves, we’re batting ourselves on the head with a sledge hammer. We’re beating ourselves up in comparison to some mythical external thing that isn’t truly us. When you meet guys who are in that place of beating themselves up, self-flagellating, self-demeaning, do you have a certain technique that you have them have more self-love and more self-confidence?You are not your thoughts. Click To Tweet
The first thing that I do is that I get them to download an app called Headspace. I get them on a morning routine of meditation so that they can start to understand that you are not your thoughts. You have two minds. You have the thinking mind and then you have the observing mind. Creating that separation helps guys out to observe what they’re thinking and creating space around it and not identifying with it. The second thing that I get them to do is to write down a list of three things that they like about themselves on a daily basis. We’re quick to criticize. We’re quick to find faults within ourselves and what we’re doing that we never take the time to compliment ourselves and find out what’s good about me.
When I moved to Canada from the Philippines, I was insecure about my race because I looked different. I wasn’t six-foot tall, blonde with blue eyes. When I started tackling this issue of improving my self-image, I started making a list of things that I like about myself. What’s good about being Filipino? What’s good about being different? After a week, a few months, I started liking myself and liking my own company. That’s when the need to compare myself with other people disappeared because I know what’s good about me. When I show up in all my interactions, I know what I bring to other people’s table because I’ve taken the time to identify what they are.
I can imagine writing down this list takes a move to a block. We are quick to look in the mirror and see our flaws rather than our beauty. In terms of social confidence, you work mostly with guys in STEM, Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics. You work most of the guys in the late twenties to early 40s. I want you to go underneath the surface. Women will look at these guys and see one thing. What do you find is underneath the surface? What’s surprised you about these guys? What is unique that the world doesn’t see?
They’re some of the most intelligent and interesting people that I’ve ever met. They have no clue how to communicate that to other people. One of the phrases that I often hear when I work with these types of men is that they feel there’s a glass wall that separates them from the type of people they want to meet. They have this desire, they’re kind-hearted and they’re good people. They don’t know how to translate that into non-verbal communication and the conversation starters. They don’t know how to tell their life story in a way that’s engaging and interesting. They believe certain myths that are holding them back from succeeding with relationships. One of them, and I hear this a lot from people, is that if I go to school, I get good grades and I have a good job, then everything else in my life will be taken care of.
If I focus all my time and energy on academic success, then that becomes the red carpet to life. Everything else falls into play. That’s like learning how to play tennis, and now you expect yourself to be able to play ping pong. Learning how to skateboard and thinking that, “I’ve hopped on a board before, I can surf.” Confidence is related to a specific area. Just because you’re confident at one thing doesn’t automatically make you confident at the other. They both require different skill sets and competencies. That’s going to be the number one thing that I see from guys. Believing a false myth and not having the awareness and the skill sets to be able to communicate their desires to connect with people in a way that makes sense for other people, too.
That’s probably the story that parents told the kids, especially in certain cultures where academic success is important. Becoming the doctor, becoming the lawyer, becoming the engineer is successful. The boy says like, “What about playing with other boys?” They’re like, “Don’t worry about it. Study on your school.” I felt my empathy for them. I felt empathy for my own self on some level because I had school. I was a socially, nerdy introvert. I was lucky to have sports to bring me out. High school football and high school sports were the savior or the bridge from my academic side to the other parts of my social side. I can see a lot of these guys you’re talking about don’t have that bridge to learn these skills.
If you think of the word confidence, that comes from competence on a specific topic and repeated exposure and demonstration of competence around that area. I’m sure a lot of people reading this are confident in their ability to walk. Simply because they’ve been able to demonstrate themselves throughout the years of like, “I’m able to get out of bed, walk to the kitchen, walked to the grocery store, walk to work.” They are confident in their ability to walk. If you think of guys who are socially confident, if you boil it down, they’ve been interacting with people since they were kids. They have years of positive reference experiences that it’s okay to talk to people. It’s okay to start conversations with strangers. The types of guys that I work with, they favored technology, video games or tinkering around with other stuff versus going to parties, hanging out with your guy friends, studying too much. They never had that experience when they were younger. If you combine that with the false belief, then that carries over to a socially awkward adult once you’re in your late twenties, early 40s.Everything worthwhile takes time. Click To Tweet
What are your initial steps? Do you have a specific plan besides the Headspace and the self-affirmation? What’s your transformation workout plan from shy guy to confident guy?
The first thing we figure out is what are their goals? There are billions of people in the world. Every single guy who comes to me, they want to meet a specific group of people. There are two parts to this. If you don’t know what you want, then any map will get you there. We’ve all heard of that saying before. Having a clear idea on the people you want to meet helps you make decisions later on where to go, how to dress and what things to talk about in conversation. When you get rejected, especially if they’re not the people you want to meet, then you take rejection a lot less personally. That’s number one.
The second thing would be changing your mindset. Questioning your limiting beliefs and getting clear about the person you want to become. Step number three would be your first impression. Your body language, tonality and then I give every guy that I work with an image makeover. You’d be surprised how outdated most of these guys are. Deep inside they’re cool and interesting. Making sure that the types of clothes they wear express to other people what kind of person they are before they even open their mouth. After that it’s managing their anxiety. After that it’s figuring out different ways to start a conversation. After that it’s helping them tell their life story in a way that’s engaging and interesting. Lastly is when we put everything together. I help them find events and activities throughout the week that’s in alignment with their goals and their core values. They make socializing, whether it’s with girls or guys, a natural extension of their passions and interests.
I love the idea about the image makeover because we think that the part of us can just shine and, “Why can’t they see who I am?” and then we’re wearing mismatching, ill-fitting or old clothing. We do have to face it. We do live in a visual society. A visual society even more enhanced by the Instagram and the social media. Looking good, feeling good and working out with a trainer builds my self-confidence. It builds my self-love.
You are the common denominator in everything that you do. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s going to be hard to be the person that other people feel good to be around, if you don’t feel good about who you are.
Let’s talk about this anxiety. You’ve done some initial work with a guy. You figure out his goals. You worked on his self-confidence. You worked on his image. They hit a point where they have to go out and practice. Be engaged and talk. They hit that wall of anxiety, which all of us have, around different things and different reasons. What are some of the ways that you’ve coached guys into feeling less anxiety?
The first thing that I get them to do is I get them to go to a place or do an activity that they enjoy. That’s number one. That lessens the anxiety quite a bit. I have a student who has a passion for dancing. I got him to take some dance lessons. The dancing itself distracts him and he’s moving from partner to partner. He didn’t even felt anxious because he knew that he was there. I’m like, “I’m going to go here. I’m going to learn how to dance. I’m going to meet people along the way if I find someone interesting.” Find something that you like to do with enough people and then do that. The other thing is managing your expectation. If you came to me, you’re 30 years old and you’re struggling socially, you’ve been struggling for three decades.
Don’t expect that you’re going to fix this overnight. Incremental steps need to change. That comes down to managing your expectations. This is the mistake that I see with a lot of guys who watch way too many pickup videos on YouTube or read all the pickup artists’ eBooks on Amazon. They think they should be able to be Casanova in one weekend. That’s not how it works. Everything worthwhile does take time. It’s managing your expectations. Having that daily practice of meditation and coming up with things you like about yourself. Over time you do change your image and the way you think. If you’re doing something that you enjoy while meeting people, you’re collecting positive references that it is okay to talk to people you don’t know and have it turn out well.
I like the concept of meditation as well. The anxiety comes from, “You’re a piece of shit. You’re ugly. You’re not attractive. You can’t talk to girls. You can’t talk to women,” all these things. It is the monkey mind is what keeps us in the stasis of our own fear rather than taking the attention off ourselves and putting it on the external. One thing you said that’s interesting is you have people build life story, why do you think that’s important in terms of building that skill?
There is a way to be able to tell a good story that engages people. Most of the guys that I work with, they either ask way too many questions early on. They do the interview style question. “What do you do? Where you from? What school did you go to?” Boring, it doesn’t build any rapport. When they’re telling a story, they just deliver facts. If you’re talking to someone, there are three parts of what makes a good story. You have to be able to deliver your story in that manner. You have to engage peoples’ senses. Some people are going to be visual. Some people are going to be auditory. Some are going to be kinesthetic. You have to add layers to your story by describing, “What did you see? What did you feel? What did you hear?” Don’t just deliver the facts. Add some descriptive words, some emotions and automatically you become a more engaging conversationalist.
That’s why I love having guests on the show is because of the value you add. That specific thing, it’s so important. I never think to say that in my own practice. I do it instinctively, but we do get stuck with the routine or the agenda. “I’ll give you the facts, just the facts,” but also you add so much value and see your listener in figuring out what will engage them and feel connected to you. Thank you for doing that.
How long have you been working in this field? When did you start?
Ten years, but I’ve been in business full-time for the last six.
In the last ten years, have you noticed a difference in society? Specifically, do you notice a difference of a change in man, woman relating changes? Have you noticed anything? Have you noticed any difference in women? Have you noticed any difference in men? Maybe you can give your viewpoint of seeing any changes.
Women these days, both for my female friends and the types of girls I dated, they’re starting to look for something else. The days were men traditionally play this role of, “I’m going to be the provider. I’m going to make the money and take care of everything,” that’s slowly starting to become less valuable for women. Most of them can get a job that makes just as much, if not more, than most men. Being a provider as a man to succeed these days, at least from a dating perspective, isn’t enough. You have to become the person who brings the whole package. Someone excited about his life. Someone who’s got his own friends, his own thing going on. He’s in shape. He understands women, too. I truly believe that the traditional role that we’ve been led to believe from back in the day doesn’t apply anymore. Men have to evolve if they want to date the evolved women.You have to be able to deliver your story in a manner that engages peoples’ senses. Click To Tweet
I’ve done a lot of statistic research and there’s a lot of evidence that backs up that piece. The one I like to quote the most is, “Back in the ‘80s, women made $0.64 to every man’s $1. Now, millennial women entering the workforce are at $0.93 compared to a man’s $1.” There’s still a pay gap. Definitely there’s still room to improve. That gap has shrunk significantly in about 25 years. Guys going in and expecting, “I’m going to get the great job. I’m going to make the great money. Therefore, I’m going to attract a woman on some level to be dependent on that,” it doesn’t work anymore. I love that you said concepts of emotional intelligence. I love that you said excitement about being a self-evolved man who can take care of himself. That was great with his own friends and understanding women. You and I definitely see eye–to-eye in that regard.
Thanks for adding some stats on what I said. It’s my observation. This is stuff that I’ve seen throughout the last decade and from my experience too. My first few years in business I didn’t make as much money, I used to work for an engineering company. I still had great people in my life. I’ve dated some great girls. They didn’t care how much money I made because they can tell that I was working towards something that I believed in. I was in alignment with my life vision. If you bring that to someone’s table, your passion and excitement, they’re not going to care how much money you make.
The women that do obsess about the money you make might not be the exact women you want to date in the first place. What do you think the evolved woman wants from a man? What do men don’t know that women truly want? What would you say to that question?
This is stuff that I’ve heard from my female friends. This is my perspective. More women want a guy who’s well-rounded, the Renaissance man. The guy who works a little bit, he makes enough money to support himself. He’s financially responsible. He’s fit. The guy who’s got a lot of life experience, someone who can bring her and lead her to an adventure. A guy who isn’t afraid to try new things. He’s not fixated on one area of his life. I’m sure you’ve seen those guys. The guys who are buff at the gym, but they’re emotionally unavailable. The guys who are too emotional, too spiritual and they’re broke. They have no business acumen. The guys who are good at making money, but they’re out of shape and have broken relationships. They want the whole package.
I concur with that. That might sound challenging to some guys to think like, “I have to do that. I’ve got to go that.” My answer to that is if you want to have a full, deep relationship with a wide berth of experiences with a powerful woman. You’ve got to step up to the plate and answer the call.
You’ll be happier as a person. If you’re in great shape, you’ve got a passionate career, you’ve got great friends and you have a spiritual practice. Overall, with or without women, you’ll be a happier person.
How do people find out about you? I know you have an offer for them. How do people get more involved with you?
If you’re reading this and you’re technically skilled, like an engineer, programmer or a developer. You want to improve your social confidence. I’ve got a cheat sheet that’ll help you approach and talk to anybody, no matter how shy you are. If you go to SocialConfidenceMastery.com/CheatSheet, I’ll send it to you right away. You can start implementing the advice, take action and see results immediately.
People can work with you directly as a coach and group programs?
They can check out my website, SocialConfidenceMastery.com. I’ve got my books on networking conversation, social confidence and first impressions. They can check that out. I’ve got a podcast. Robert, you’ve been a great guest on the show. I checked the stats. It’s one of the most downloaded episodes. You really delivered. My audience loved our conversation. Check that out too. I’ve got a blog. You can check it out for free. Lots of free resources. If you want to take your social confidence to the next level, definitely go to my website. Fill out an application form if you think I’d be a good coach for you. It’s got to be a win-win for both of us. You have to like me, I have to like you and we’ll have a conversation.
Thank you so much Myke for being on the show. I’m grateful.
Thank you for having me. I appreciate the opportunity.
Thanks so much for joining. I wish you well. Go forth. Be free. Take the steps to find that social confidence. It’s important. It is a continual self-work. Myke mentioned if you can use a partner as your motivation, the benefit will always be to yourself. I know of someone who continues to work on himself. It feels good to feel good and fall in love with oneself first and then the other afterwards. Thank you so much. Go forth. Get some nookie. I love you.
Thank you so much for joining us on Tuff Love. Thank you Myke for being on the show. Laying down some serious wisdom and for the work you do out there in the world. For all the women saying, “Where are the good men?” They’re probably in their own heads thinking and living inside their anxiety. Myke’s working on it. Trust me. Talk to a geek. We’re good people. We love women. We just don’t know how to say it. Thank you for being here. For more shoes, please visit RobertKandell.com. Please go to iTunes, Stitcher, your favorite podcast app. Give us some stars. Give us some review. It really helps and subscribe. More subscribers mean more downloads which has me feel more socially confident in myself. Go forth. Be merry. I love you.
- Myke Macapinlac
- guest – Robert on Social Confidence Mastery podcast
- Myke’s podcast
- Myke’s blog