144: Why Women Want Bad Boys with Esmee St. James

Back in the day, we had our defined roles. The women would be homemakers generally and the man would be the breadwinner. Out of necessity, they stayed together. Now, so many women are in the workplace and more and more in executive positions, which is wonderful, but we don’t know how to behave anymore with each other. We don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong in terms of the dating scene. Esmee A St. James, the Dating Muse, helps singles find each other in this challenging world of romance. She first found this calling as a professional model and photographer where she felt her fascination around the attraction between the sexes. Esmee talks about why women like bad boys. She writes, “I don’t understand why the first date is always the last.” A question we hear far too often from single men is, “Why don’t women want a nice guy like me?” Esmee answers, “The single women I meet tell me they just want to date a nice guy for once.” Discover the reasons why women often fall for the bad boys, and why many men fall into the friend zone.

I’m with a new guest, Esmée St. James, who published the book Chick Magnet: What Men Don’t Know That Women Wish They Did. In the show, Esmée gives some specific, detailed, pragmatic, nuanced on what men can do, how they can show up their physical presence, how they stand, how they touch to turn on the women they’re attracted to. It’s a way to find confidence, to maybe hit the gym and get some muscles and things need to do to step up if you want to date that woman you’ve been staring at for weeks and thinking, “Why won’t you notice me?” Get off your ass. Get over and talk to her.

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I’m very excited to have a special guest, Esmée St. James, on the show. Welcome to the show, Esmée.

Thank you so much, Robert. I’m so delighted to be on your show. It’s a great honor.

It’s an honor because of your book that launched, your baby is out in the world.

I had launched my baby, Chick Magnet: What Men Don’t Know That Women Wish They Did. I’m super excited because your timing is perfect.

We met via a mutual friend. I did a mastermind and this guy was like, “You need to have this woman on the show.” We got along just fine in our conversation and we have a lot of similar overlap in terms of our viewpoints about this. I’m looking forward to the differences to how this conversation, just talk about and share knowledge about this challenging topic, why women want bad boys? Some of us, bad boys, are happy about that. Some of our good guys are not so happy about that, but we’ll get there. Esmée St. James first recognized her calling in life as a confidence catalyst during her career as a fashion model and professional photographer. Her fascination with the attractor factors between the sexes inspired to lock The Dating Muse as an author on dating strategist for smart, serious single submission is now focused on helping singles attract their soulmate. You’re a matchmaker.

A lot of people make this assumption. I’m not a matchmaker, but let’s say that if someone like you were wanting to meet someone and go to a matchmaker, you want to get ready for that. Here’s the thing that a lot of men do is they’ll go, “If I pay someone to find me my dream mate, it will all be good.” What happens is they go there and they’re not prepared. They don’t quite know how to date, how to attract women, what to do on a date and what to do after the date, much less understand what she’s thinking during the date. I get you ready for that, so that your money is well-spent with matchmaker because they’re not exactly cheap.

What do you think the biggest block is today in terms of men and women finding each other? I know the world has changed. I’ve done lot of research on this as well. What do you see in terms of the challenges between men and women finding each other?

It’s to do with the difference between the sexes. Back in the day, that was all fine because we had our defined roles. Women would be homemakers generally, if that worked out, and the man would be the breadwinner. Out of necessity, they stay together, but this is what the guy did it and this is what the gal did. Now, so many women are in the workplace and more and more in executive positions, which is wonderful but we don’t know how to behave anymore with each other. We don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong in terms of the dating scene. What often happens, and this is just one scenario, a woman will be at work and she have to grow a pair in order to get ahead.

In fact, she has to push harder and work harder sometimes than the guy does to get to where the guy is. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just things are still evolving. When she comes home, she doesn’t remember how to be the woman, as in let the man be the man. There are so many men out there that don’t understand what to do anymore, “Can I open the door for her? Is she going to think that I’m being too to male, too badass or something to do that?” I had a girlfriend who is just stunning. She’s beautiful, curly red hair, gorgeous figure and she was head of HR in some big Silicon Valley tech company. There was a man who came to work there, and this guy is from the south, so he’s a southern gentleman and was attracted to her. He’d open this big heavy glass door and she’d say, “I can get that. It’s okay.” She would refuse that.

After a while he said, “You’re not to having guys open the door for you, are you?” She said, “No, actually.” Once she finally let that happen, things started to develop. I went to their wedding and she was asking me, “I don’t know what to do. How do I handle this?” He would come over to her place and she’d been moving some boxes and he’d go, “Let me get that for your, darling.” She’s like, “No, it’s okay.” I said, “Just let him do it. Pretend they’re super heavy and just say, “Would you, please because I can barely lift that stuff,” and it worked like a charm.

Do you have a feeling or inkling why women are saying no about the glass doors and the boxes? Do you have a feeling of what’s the resistance to just having someone help them?

In the workplace in particular, the resistance is they’re afraid of being seen as weak and not capable. They’re afraid of being perceived as that and then not being capable in their job. We do have to fight a little harder to get to where we want to get regardless of what age you are or when you were born, there’s still that little bit of, “I’ve got this,” thing. It’s lovely in personal life. I love it when guys open the door for me and lift heavy things. I’ve trained myself to do that because I’m independent and was trained to do it all myself by my mom, but there’s great value in letting a guy do his thing and so it’s that hesitation.

I’ve been doing a lot of work and research and writing on my side of the world in this concept of masculine and feminine. When it comes to a lot of tendencies of allowing and receiving tends to be on the feminine side. In the workplace, women have to develop that masculine, to grow a pair, to not be weak, to be capable, all these things that could be looked as a masculine tendency y instead of a feminine tendency. In the transition of leaving the workforce and going home, what do you recommend to women in terms of how they bring back their feminine, to embrace their feminine side once they’ve left the workplace?

Take a deep long letting go breath about five times in a row and just remember that you’re a woman and you have certain needs that need to be filled and let the man do that. That’s the most important thing is on the way home, you start to make that shift and the moment you walk in the door, you are the woman. It’s the same with guys because guys will go to work and being all, “Grrr,” and charging everything. They come home and they’re still, “Grrr,” and still in charge and they forget to be that compassionate, sweet, caring person that she married or that she’s going out with that she chooses. We both have to make these little shifts. I have a friend, one of my mentors, Roger Love, said this very nicely. He’s one of the world’s biggest vocal coach. He’s coached so many celebrities. He’s the sweetest guy. I’ve seen him on stage. I’ve seen him do business and he’s powerful. When I walk in the door, if I come in like that, my wife’s going to go, “Go back out and come back in,” because that doesn’t work ordering your family around. It’s the same for the woman. You can’t come in and just be bossy. You’ve got to let the guy do his part of the thing.

A lot of the work I’ve been looking at also, especially with #MeToo and the change of dynamics, it seems like a lot of women’s anger, deep rage that’s been underneath and hidden for so long, has come to the surface, which is so important and so healthy and yet so challenging for the genders to stay in relationship. When you’re talking to women or coaching women and they feel both the desire to be connected to a man, but also feeling the rage that’s been held inside for so long. What are your pragmatic ways of handling this discrepancy?

There is a lot of rage and I saw this in my mother. I finally understood what it was. I tell them to remember that men are people, too, and they’re trying their best to be their best just like we are. You can’t blame them for a whole upbringing, DNA, generations and generations of it being raised on the farm, doing the fields, working alongside dad. People moved to the city and guys began to be raised by women. Guys are just as confused as we are and when you recognize that, that the guys are people too and recognize that there also may be having a challenge and how to deal with you, that makes a huge difference. Tap into your empathy just as you would want your guy to tap into the empathy that he has. We all have it inside. You’ve got to make an effort to go there and understand.

There’s the Mr. Nice Guy and that can often be a problem for women. That’s why I wrote this chapter, Why Women Want Bad Boys. The nice guy is the one who puts women on a pedestal. When he does that, she automatically goes above him, and she looks down on him and you don’t want that. You want it to be at least equal or the woman to look up to you for your masculinity. The reason that the whole nice guy syndrome started was because of what I was saying about in the past, the men did the men things. They’re taking care of the farm and the stock or whatever and doing the heavy muscle work. That was their job. They spent a lot of time with men, their dads, other guys at work learning how to be masculine, how to be assertive, how to be confident and have this that men should have.

As the society became more industrialized and urban, people moved to the city more and so what would happen was boys are being raised by women and there’s nothing wrong with that, but they didn’t have any real male figures because the dads went off to work in the office. They didn’t hang out in the fields with their sons anymore. They didn’t learn those skills of how to be masculine. When I was a kid, most of our teachers were women. Guys were taught, “Be nice. Don’t be so pushy. Be nice to a girl. Don’t touch her. Don’t talk to her like that.” What guys they’ve trained to do was to push down the masculine qualities that women want. As a result, they’re not getting the dates they want. They’re not getting the relationships they want and there’s a rage inside of them, “I don’t want to be nice. I want to be a man. I want to grab her and just kiss her,” or whatever.

Why Women Want Bad Boys: As the society became more industrialized, people moved to the city more and boys are being raised by women and didn’t have any real male figures because the dads went off to work in the office.

Guys are not happy about that but they don’t understand what it is. There’s the women’s side but we’re talking about guys right now. Women want a guy to be a guy but they need a guy to be sensitive, empathic and have a nice EQ, emotional intelligence. What’s happening is a guy will ask a girl on a date, if he dares, because sometimes guys are even afraid for fear of being shot down. That’s another part of being too nice. They’re afraid to even go up to her because they don’t have that masculine qualities developed. When you do go on a date, they’re almost too agreeable, too nice. They’re afraid to touch a woman. They’re afraid to even give her a strong handshake. What fathers are teaching to their sons when you give them a handshake for instance like, “Don’t squeeze her hand too hard.” When I shake someone’s hand, I want the guy to grab my hand, web to web, give it a good squeeze, shake it, look me in the eye and go, “It’s so nice to meet you,” because I know he’s strong. I need to feel a guy’s strength. Guys need to show his strengths and what he’ll do then is over compliment her, etc., which makes her feel like, “Am I an object or you’re just looking at me? I need you to appreciate me for my brain and for my capabilities.” When I get over complimented, I start to have less respect for the guy. One compliment’s fine. That’s all you need to do.

Women want a guy that’s confident, successful, physically strong, and in willpower, a guy who’s decisive. You’ll notice a lot of nice guys have no men friends. They have all girlfriends but no dates. When a woman sees that a guy has a lot of male friends, she’s going to go, “You could run with the pack.” There should be some danger or some onslaught of whatever, he’s going to be able to band together with his brothers and protect me. You’ve got to have guy friends. Women, what they want and what they need are two different things completely. What women need is they need a guy who’s confident, strong, “I’ve got this” kind of guy, like willpower and physical strength.

I would be like guys that are physically strong. You don’t have to have a six pack, it doesn’t matter but just show that your stature is powerful. What we need is a guy who’s sensitive and has the EQ, who’s got her back, who can take care of us when we’re sick and that kind of stuff. That’s what the nice guy shows but he’s not showing the masculine qualities of that, “Grrr,” stuff. There’s a lot of disconnect there. It goes back to caveman times when we didn’t live that long, so it didn’t matter that much. It was just a matter of, “You can protect me from the other guys and you can get me food and you’re strong. You look good. I will have good offspring that will continue our species as well.” Those were pretty much what women were looking for. Whoever beat off the other guys, that was good enough. We didn’t live long enough to get into the part of, “I would like to have a deep conversation about your feelings, my feelings, etc.” That didn’t matter but now it does. We live a lot longer.

Here’s the part where the guys that we want initially like the strong ones, the good-looking ones, etc., the bad boys, we’re initially attracted to that because we see that they’re going to be strong, good DNA, and good childbearing stock. We’ll look for that and then we’ll find out once we fall in love with them, etc., that a lot of these bad boys aren’t able to connect with us emotionally. They’re not going for lots of women. I’ve had this happen to me and leave us behind in the dust. Then the nice guys that want to say, “Why don’t women want a nice guy?” They’re left scratching their heads because then we’ll go to the nice guy and go, “This guy, he broke my heart.” The nice guy isn’t going to get a date with me because he’s not the guy that’s has the power and the strength and the confidence.

Confidence is the sexiest quality a guy can have. It’s important in women too. We look for what we want but we don’t necessarily address what we need. It’s the women who are just as guilty of this as well and I’ve been guilty of this because I was raised to be strong and independent and, big girls don’t cry. I was raised European, so my parents were like that and I realized a bit later in my life that that wasn’t working for me because I was getting the strong guys but having a conversation about how I felt was difficult and that’s part of why I wrote this book because I saw my parents struggle through this for their entire marriage, that I was around anyways.

My dad would come to me and say, “I don’t understand your mom. Why she’s so mad at me?” I try to explain to him but it was almost too late for him because he was raised this European, “I’m the man and I’m going to take charge.” It didn’t work for my mom and it didn’t work for me. You’ve got to give a woman what she needs wrapped up in what she wants. It’s like marketing. Once you get a handle on that, train yourself to give her what she wants, work on yourself a little bit, you’ll find that you’re much more successful.

I agree with what you’re saying and this is the conundrum for most men is the confusion of which part of their character to bring for us at what time. What I’m hearing you say is lead with confidence, lead with the bad boy. At some point, there should be and do the flip into empathetic, EQ, more feminine qualities to compliment. Most men are confused about what to do, “When do I bring the bad boy? When do I bring the nice guy?” We don’t know. Women don’t give signals per se. They’re not like, “Cue the bad boy. Cue the nice guy.” Guys were sitting there trying desperately to figure out to read the signals, to give the woman what she wants, so he can get what he wants is the connection to her. How do you break that down for, let’s call them an uneducated man? How do you break it down into how to bring out these different parts himself?

Why Women Want Bad Boys: Guys should lead with the heart. Don’t be such a badass that you can’t be open.

We want guys that are smart because then it shows they can figure stuff out. One of the first steps that that I tell guys is don’t be afraid to touch her. It’s very simple things. The number one thing that I tell guys is hold yourself up straight because the nice guys are sometimes the ones that they’re little like, not slumping, but a little bit physically recessive. They cross their arms. They’re almost afraid to it to be like this. If you are that guy who spends a lot of time at the desk, catch yourself in the mirror and see what your stance is because it’s the initial presence that you have when you enter her line of sight, she starts to decide and assume things about you immediately.

Teach yourself the power pose of standing up straight and squaring your shoulders. Not stiff, but shoulder blades together and down, head held high. Don’t look at the ground. When you do this, your whole chest opens up. I want guys to lead with the heart. Don’t be such a badass that you can’t be open. That’s scary sometimes to lead with the heart because that’s what makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability, that’s also a very sexy quality. Between confidence and vulnerability, they’re neck and neck for me. You’ve got to lead with the heart. Square yourself. Stand up straight. Walk into the room with that confidence because the minute you do that, you’ll be perceived as having charisma, as being powerful, as being liked by others. Women want a guy who’s liked by others because there’s that banding together thing. That’s step number one is to practice that.

Number two is look her in the eye. Eye contact is so important and a lot of guys who might be introverted or shy, they’re two different things but they’re like, “She’s so beautiful. I can’t look her in the eye.” Just do it. Make yourself do it. Just take some deep breaths before you walk up to her, square yourself, and just do that and go introduce yourself. Shake your hand because touch is huge. A lot of guys who are Mr. Nice Guy don’t know that it’s okay to touch a gal. I don’t mean grab her but shake her hand. That’s the first thing you can do to touch her. Say your name first because you want your voice to enter her body first because that vocal vibration is literally, no matter what you’re saying, is asking her for permission to touch her. You don’t go up to a gal and just touch her. You say something first and a nice relaxed voice.

It’s very important that you relax yourself first with some deep breaths before you go up to a woman because it gets air into your brain. It gets air into your organs and it relaxes your voice. When you’re stressed, your voice gets higher and it sounds like squeezed through a tube of toothpaste. You want to lower it and have it come from your chest. That way, she’ll feel relaxed because that calms everybody down. Try it sometime when you go and talk to somebody like when you talk to a little kid who’s hurting, “Are you okay? You’re going to be fine. You’re okay,” like you talk to your pet. It’s calming for women. You shake her hand, that nice firm handshake. Then as you’re talking to her, don’t move back after you shake her hand. That is the acceptable standing distance between people is a handshake. I don’t know how many inches exactly but you can keep that distance from her. As you’re talking to her, you don’t want to move into her this way. You want to go at a 90-degree angle, so that you step in so that your shoulders are a little closer together. You’re not closer to her physically, but you’re not threatening her. That’s a little sidestep that I want all guys to do because of what you can do then is as you’re talking to her, you can gently touch her on her upper arm with the back of your hand.

I’ve talked to guys who are introverted. They are terrified to do this, “Are you sure it’s okay? I don’t know. What if she thinks I’m coming on her?” You are and that’s all right. If you’re just touching over the back of my hand, you can touch her upper and mid back, not below the waist or anything. You can touch your arm like this. Don’t leave it there. What happens when you touch a woman, when you touch anybody, the brain starts to release what’s called the cuddle drug and that’s called oxytocin. That’s so important. When a woman has a baby, the first thing they do after it’s born, put it in her arms and this whole surge comes through her and through their baby and they bond. It feels so good. That’s why the handshake is important because you’re already starting that surge.

With a woman, that oxytocin that comes through body stays for about two weeks. For guys, it’s just two days. Remember that. If you like her and you touched her here and there gently, she starts to feel this, and she remembers that, and she might be wondering, “I wonder what more of that would be like,” if she likes you. As you start doing that and talking with her, what you say is another whole subject, watch her body language. Is she holding your eye contact? Just keep doing that. Don’t stare at her but look her in the eye as you talk. Another trick you can do is if you see something you want to talk about, you want to tell her something funny within your banter, lean in a little closer, get closer to her ear. That creates a little bit of a buzz because you’re becoming more physically close. Then lean back.

Watch her body language. If she receives as you move in, that’s a sign that either she’s not interested or you’re moving too fast. Back off a little bit. This all goes in increments with touch. You make your little move. You’re taking a risk here. When you take that risk, your risk was to introduce yourself to her. She likes it, “This guy’s stepping out of his comfort zone,” because we know it’s uncomfortable for you guys, especially if you’re a little more introverted.

We like that risk and when you take that little risk, we might take another one and let you touch us or stay in the conversation with you. You do this in little tiny increments until you feel that you’re getting somewhere. If you move in too much and she’s not ready and she moves away, you’ve got to back off because you might turn her off and not get any response at all. If you see that she’s not interested with her body language, maybe there’s just no spark for her then you say, “It was great to talk to you,” and move on somewhere else. You’ve got to make those little moves. Make the touch.

Back to the thing with oxytocin. Once you’ve touched her and you like her and you think she likes you and you’ve got her phone number, you’ve got to call her within two days. In fact, preferably the next day is good because your oxytocin surge is going to start to diminish and you won’t be feeling it anymore so much. If you don’t call her the next day or two and her oxytocin is going, she’s going to be like, “What a jerk. He didn’t even call me and here I was all interested. I stepped outside of my zone. I took a risk.” You’ve got to make your move fast with the call.

The three-day rule, presented by the Swingers movie of the great ‘90s. You think it’s actually a 24-hour timeframe.

48 max. Don’t over-communicate. Don’t jump down her throat with a gazillion texts and pictures that you sent. I’ve had this and it’s like, “Stop it. It’s too much for me.” It’s an overwhelmed. It’s like, “I know you’re interested but you don’t have to bulldoze me with all that stuff.” Be a little mysterious, one at a time. See if you get a response and another one, you’re getting a response. Bear in mind that not everybody’s on their phone all the time. Some people have a little bit more of a lag time with a response and some get back to you right away. She might be busy. Who knows? Give her a chance. If you don’t get a response after a day or so, then you try again. Got to check it out but in tiny measures. Just like the physical touch you move in, she likes you, then you can go a little further. If she recedes, that means you need to back off a little bit because that’s the same thing.

It’s a baby step, incremental. How do you talk to guys that say, “I’ve tried this. The women don’t respond. We chat on Tinder and no one matches with me?” It’s like, “Why bother?” How do you deal with the guy in the, “Why bother?”

I meet with them first or if they’re far away, then I’ll do it online. They might think they’re doing everything okay, but the energy you’re giving off isn’t what’s attractive to us. I assess them. I talk to them for a while and I imagined myself perhaps going out with him. I go, “Are you attracted to that or not?” They start to see where they can make little shifts in their behavior, in what they’re saying, and how they’re moving, etc. It’s different for every guy. Sometimes there’s no eye contact or sometimes their responses are not interesting. They’re mono syllabic. You’ve got to be interesting and you’ve got to be interested. Sometimes they’re moving too fast. Sometimes they have this underlying anger and it rears up a little bit somehow. They’ll get upset.

The thing I hear a lot from guys is, “Why don’t women want nice guys?” Then the women were saying, “I just want a nice guy. Where are they all hiding?” That’s one of the reasons I wrote this book is there’s such a gap in between. I explained to them what women are thinking when they’re doing certain things. It’s sometimes very technical. Sometimes they moved into fast. I have one friend and he’s super smart. This guy has the biggest IQ and he’s a sweetheart, but he over compliments and he’s good looking, too. It’s like, “Why don’t you just get it?” The eye contact is a problem and he thinks that because of woman talks to him and it’s nice to him that she’s super interested.

Why Women Want Bad Boys: You’ve got to be interesting and you’ve got to be interested.

This guy was interested in the gal that I knew who’s stunning, gorgeous. He tried to come on to her a couple of times. She’s like, “No.” He thought, “Maybe if I invite her somewhere nice, then she’ll say yes,” because maybe just inviting her wasn’t working. He went and booked some tickets to some opera in the city and it was very expensive. It’s a long drive he thought, “I’ll just book a hotel room and she can just stay over.” He invited her and she called me, “Esmée, what do I do? I don’t know how to turn him down because this is way too much.

I never showed him any physical interest. He tried to kiss me, and I backed off and he’s still pushing and pushing.” At that point, I had to coach her on how to gently say, “I’m sorry but I’m not feeling the spark. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” Be gentle with a guy like that because he’s trying so hard. Some guys don’t understand that the signs aren’t there and then they get even more frustrated. He was calling me on the other side and going, “Maybe it’s just not there.” Maybe you should just back off a little bit in give your attention to someone else.

It’s the subtleties. It’s the willingness to notice the fine details. The guy with the opera sounds like he was following a script rather than paying attention to her. It’s important for men to bring out all different parts of themselves and not so much think about what’s the right step, but to feel what’s the right step.

It’s also good to start talking about feelings. I don’t mean like go on how your dog died or something bad happened to you but start bringing up words that lead to romantic conversations when you talk to her, like, “What’s your take on love at first sight?” Start using words like love and romance in your conversation. Ask her questions. Another thing that many men do that I find they’re striking out is they’re just talking about themselves because they’re so nervous. They go on about their job or technical things and she’s like, “What? I didn’t want to talk about this stuff,” but she’s playing along nicely because she sees the guy’s uncomfortable and she’ll nod her head and stuff.

You’ve got to ask her about her because we are our favorite subject initially because what you’re doing is you’re making us feel safe and comfortable and protected by asking us questions about us. I don’t mean the entire time, but it’s important that you talk to her about her. Ask her about her family or her favorite movie. You’ve got to have some questions lined up in your mind that you can ask that can be just not, “What brings you here? Do you come here often?” You’ve got to come up with some questions about her that are open-ended, so no yes-no answers.

In her response, remember what she says, listen actively. You pick out something that’s like, “I think I go further with that,” like say, “That’s a beautiful scarf. Tell me about that.” “My dad gave it to me last year before he died,” whatever. He might say and go, “He must have good taste. He must have loved you so much as a daughter to know what your like were.” Then she starts talking about, “He had a good fashion sense. For a guy, that was impressive.” Then the conversation goes on and on. You’ve got to pay attention.

It’s all about attention. You talked about this concept of the bad boy and a lot of guys are getting mixed messages in terms of society. As I mentioned, #MeToo and being consent-orientated and all of these issues, if you could give a description of what is the optimal bad boy part of ourselves that men should bring out to attract women. What does that mean in terms of modern day definition?

What women want, the bad boy part is that to show that you’re physically strong and have the willpower strength and the confidence. Some guys need a little work with this. Sometimes maybe you might need to go to the gym. You don’t need a six pack but do something to straighten your posture and be confident. Have lots of guy friends and make sure she sees you with your guy friends. Grow your own confidence if you don’t have some around women because a lot of men are successful at work, but then when they go to talk to women they’re attracted to, they’re completely tongue tied. I understand but practice how to be more confident around women. Be powerful. Be decisive. If you are in a situation where you have to say, “I don’t know,” don’t leave it at that. Say, “I don’t know but I’ll find out.” Show resourcefulness.

Don’t be afraid to touch her. Take charge of that. Pay attention to her. We want guys that are strong, confident, decisive and intelligent. What we need is a guy who is empathic and has EQ and can be sensitive to us and talk about feelings and caring, etc. You’ve got to give her that confident initial thing in your stance, in your voice, in your handshake and all that, so that when she sees you, she’s like, “He looks powerful.” You don’t have to be the best-looking guy but look and feel powerful. Take on power stances like with your arms on your hips. Don’t cross your arms. Body language says everything. It’s like a shield. Look her in the eye. Be brave. Even if you’re afraid because everything that you want is on the other side of fear.

There’s going to be a lot of resistance when you think, “I can’t do this.” Just think of that other side of fear where you need to go. Resist that resistance. That’s key. Once you were getting with her, then you start showing you more tender side, your EQ. Start talking about emotions, asking her about her, but keep that masculine side. You get her attention with through a masculine badass thing, but you want to also have that sensitive empathic guy wrapped up inside there. Do your best to look your best. If your wardrobe needs help, go get some help. Go to a nice store and get the personal shopper there to help you out and listen to them. Get some guy friends. That’s important too.

Thank you so much for the advice, pragmatic, to the point, detailed, grounded and maybe you could tell people how to find your book.

Chick Magnet: What Men Don’t Know That Women Wish They Did

Search it by the title on Kindle, Chick Magnet: What Men Don’t Know That Women Wish They Did. Author is Esmée St. James. Just look it up on Kindle. It’s available for $0.99 because I want every guy to get their hands on this. This is going to change your dating life. It’s everything I’ve talked about and so much more. It’s explains what you need to do to make yourself more attractive to women. Then the next section of the book is what she’s thinking when you do certain things. It’s a hugely revealing. Then there’s some chapters at the very end that are good for everybody, like how they take a compliment, table manners, how to be a good leader because we want a leader. I need this book to be a number one bestseller, so it can reach as many people as possible. That would be the best way to get it. I’m on social media as well under Esmée St. James on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. You’ll see shout-outs there with links that you can click to get the book. I would be deeply honored and appreciative if you could go out and grab yourself a copy and start reading it. Get your sexy on for the girls.

Thank you so much for coming on the show. I’m grateful for your time and good luck selling the book.

Thank you so much, Robert. It’s been an absolute pleasure. Thank you all. I appreciate your time.

That’s it. A different point of view, a lot of overlaps with my viewpoints and just about the concept of how to show up in a relationship and bring out all different parts of yourself straight from a woman’s perspective, which is important. My viewpoint is men can help other men crack the shell of our fragile egos to get down, but it takes the details and the concept of a woman to show us exactly what they want. I’m grateful for Esmée for coming on the show. For more shows, please visit my website, RobertKandell.com. It’s beautiful. I’m grateful for my designer and all the work. You can find a pre-sale for my book up there, a communication course to Los Angeles and New York and beyond. Thank you so much for being with me. Go forth, be merry, get some nookie. I love you. Take care. Bye.

Resources mentioned:

• Esmée St. James
• Chick Magnet: What Men Don’t Know That Women Wish They Did
• The Dating Muse
• Roger Love
• Esmée St. James Facebook
• Esmée St. James Instagram
• Esmée St. James Twitter

About Esmee A St. James

Esmée St James first recognized her calling in life as a Confidence Catalyst during her career as a fashion model and professional photographer. Her fascination with the attractor factors between the sexes inspired her to launch The Dating Muse™. As an Author and Dating Strategist for Smart, Serious Singles, her mission is now focused on helping help singles attract their soulmate.

• Here’s How »

• robertkandell.com
• Tuff Love Facebook
• Tuff Love Instagram
• Tuff Love YouTube
• Tuff Love LinkedIn