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114: Six Conversations​ 1.6: Playing With Polarities, How To Attract And When To Switch

Feb 23, 2018

There is a spark in all men and women between their masculine and feminine energy. This is called polarity and just like we learned in seventh grade science, a positive repels another positive while the opposites attract. A woman with a strong masculine energy attract men with strong feminine energies. But women also want men who can switch from being a container of their energy to someone who takes full command on that energy. The six conversations series ends with playing with polarities, how and why men and women should know how to switch from fluid to sturdy.

114: Six Conversations​ 1.6: Playing With Polarities, How To Attract And When To Switch

This is the last show, the sixth of Six Vulnerable Conversations Between a Man and a Woman, myself and Arielle Brown, waxing poetic, around the concepts of how men and women think about certain things and different things and the same about things, and it was an epic season. I’m really excited to present this last show on the concept of polarity. Polarity is something I learned just recently in the last couple of years and really seeing the power and the nuances of polarity and how it can increase your relationship and how you can understand how to be a better person in a relationship. I’m very excited to present this show. After this, Arielle and our friend, Jamie, are doing Six Vulnerable Conversations Between Two Women. Thanks so much for coming. If you’d like more, please go to TuffLove.Live. Six Vulnerable Conversations Between a Man and a Woman, woman played by Arielle and man played by me.

I am very excited for this show about the concepts of playing with polarities. What is this polarity thing? What are we talking about? Do you want to give your view to it?

I went a little bit into this in one of our other episodes and the difference between masculine and feminine integrity. To me polarity, we’re discussing the feminine polarity or the masculine polarity, which is different than being a woman and a man. These polarities exist within every individual in different amounts and they bring a different energy in. For the feminine polarity, it’s way more fluid. It’s where the emotion and the intuitive and the volatile and the creative swirling of the pot of our creativity, and our sexual energy occurs. The masculine polarity is more like the container that the portion of the feminine can swirl around in. It also can be a stake in the ground, like that solid, sturdy thing that a woman has this desire for to feel in a man so that she can really surrender and unravel. More is also the logical. It’s also the penetrative, like the assertive, the ‘I’m-going-to-take-command-of-this-situation’ energy.

One person described it. It’s the spark between the sexes or between the polarities, between the masculine and feminine. It’s a spark. It’s the thing that ignites. It’s also the magnetism and it’s the attraction between the two. If you think about different poles, if you go back to your seventh-grade science class, you had your magnets. You have the positive pole, you have the negative pole. When you have a positive and negative pole, they would attract. Depending on the strength of the magnet, you couldn’t pull them apart. We know some relationships like that. If it’s really strong, there’s nothing that can happen to pull them apart. If you have a positive and a positive magnet, then they repel because likes repel and unlikes attract. That is polarity.

Years ago, I had way more masculine polarity in me. As a result I would tend to attract way more feminine, softer, more introverted men. Some of the men I date is introverted. The more I’ve softened into my femininity, the more I’ve attracted men that are more grounded, strong, masculine. I’ve seen how the polarity interplay shifts as I shift.

Women want the strong man and also want the man who can be sensitive and intuitive with their feelings. Click To Tweet

Did you know you’re in a masculine when you’re in your masculine? Was that an awareness or did you think that was status quo?

I’m from the East Coast so that adds to it. I tend to think that the East Coast is more in their masculine to begin with. I didn’t realize how much angst I was creating for myself. What really started to wake me up to it was through cultivating the practice of orgasmic meditation, which is a very feminine oriented practice and did allow me to realize how much tightness I had in my body. I softened more and more.

I’ve always been in my masculine, though I am in touch with my feminine. There is the ride back and forth between the two polarities, which has really helped me. I grew up with a mother who really had me embrace my feminine. I was the guy that everyone wanted to talk to. I was a really good listener. All the girls wanted to be my friend. All the girls wanted to talk to me about their other boyfriends and didn’t want to talk to me about me being the boyfriend. That was the role I was in because I was a little more feminine. Not that I have any issues with that at all.

It sounds like you were saying that the more in your feminine you were, the less women were interested in dating you. What would you say to that?

In the 1970s and ‘80s, Long Island, New York, my impression of what happened was the young ladies at the time wanted a dominant male. A teacher of mine once wrote, “Why only assholes have girlfriends.” There was something about that domination that attracted the popular girls in the class. The unpopular girls in the class were attracted to a degree, but they are also wanting to hang out with the football players. What happened was I wasn’t the center of attention because I was much more receptive, soft, and to the point of being passive instead of dominant.

Women want this too. We want the strong man and we also want the man who can be sensitive and intuitive with their feelings. To an extent, one might say that we’re actually wanting another woman.

Polarity is the difference. It’s the charge. My experience of it was challenging. What you talked about in terms of women nowadays, adult women that I relate to, they do want a man who can switch. They want a man who can step into his masculine and be fully embraced in his masculine. Then on a dime, read the signs, read her signs, feel into the situation, and slide into his feminine side and back and forth, which is actually quite maddening for most men these days who are totally confused by the mixed message of this. Like “What? You said you wanted me to be a man. You said you wanted me to handle it, and now you want me to listen to your feelings? What do you want me to do?” It’s very confusing and confronting.

I understand that and I have a compassion for that. I feel like there is an invitation for women as well, and this is something that I’ve been noticing within myself. I was saying that I was very in my masculine, but I wouldn’t say I was in my healthy masculine. A lot of women who will have a lot of masculinity, there’s a lot of controlling, there’s a lot of forcing and efforting and tightness, but I don’t see a lot of healthy masculine polarity expressed in women. The main way I’m expressing that is how women are able to hold a safe container for men to be in their feminine experience. How women are able to be grounded in themselves enough to let a man be in his uncertainty. I’ll speak for myself because I’m only starting to realize what it means to be strong enough in my own masculine in myself that I can be with a man who is in a fucked up space that doesn’t know the answer, is going through emotional process, and to not be completely derailed or turned off by that experience.

You said that women don’t tend to have healthy masculine. Could you speak more to that a little bit?

I’d been writing a lot about this. My experience is that women have been conditioned to embrace a more victim energy, a more victim archetype. When you look at women in the ‘50s, we needed a man, women’s main thing was to make a home for their man. We look at Disney movies and women have been conditioned from young age that our goal is to be saved by a man, our Prince Charming, and we’re supposed to ride off into the sunset and the story ends. The goal is to be rescued and then get married and then we’re happy. I think what happens is that women are looking for that. On a deep level, we’ve been conditioned to believe that being loved by a man or being in relationship with a man means being able to be saved from our own circumstances by a man. When the men that we’re with, no matter how good a job they do of holding us, when they are in uncertainty, it can be terrifying to a woman because our conditioning says that we need to be saved by a man and that we’re in this we-can’t-take-care-of-ourselves phase. That brings it to the conversation of Brené Brown writing about men and vulnerability. I remember her talking about this one man who said that, “I feel like my family would rather see me die on my white horse than fall off of it and be okay.” I think it’s so important for us as women, especially after the Me Too Movementoccurred, to look at where we are holding on to the energy of feeling like a victim, and as a result, perpetuating these toxic dynamics, which we can take responsibility for and look at the places where we keep playing it out and expecting it over and over again.

Attached to that ‘falling off the white horse’ is a man’s lack in belief in that he can have his emotions. That he must stay stoic and strong and in his masculine and not leave it out of fear of banishment by the feminine, and wanting so desperate to relate to the feminine but only have the masculine tools because we’re not taught as men to be in our emotions. The challenging part is that there’s a lot of societal pressure for women to be in their victim. Now that men are being exposed as predators, there’s more case for women being victims. It’s an interesting, challenging time to move out of your victimhood if you’re a woman because society is saying this is what men do to you.

It’s a challenging time and I feel like the invitation is to move from a place of where we’re looking to blame other people and then moving into the deeper layer of work where to me, I operate on the perspective of ‘I am creating everything in my reality.’ That doesn’t mean that I am deserving of punishment or I should feel shameful or anything like that but just if I’m creating and attracting everything, what beliefs am I holding and what energy am I sending out into the world that is linked with those beliefs that is attracting in a perfect match for that? If I believe I’m a victim, most likely I’m going to attract in energies that prove that to be true. I know that we’re going into a different realm, but it’s an important realm.

TL 114 | Playing With Polarities

Playing With Polarities: If I believe I’m a victim, most likely I’m going to attract in energies that prove that to be true.

It is different, but it also comes back to the beginning because we’re talking about magnetizing and attracting that spark, which is polarity. If you live in your victim, the polarity between you and another victim will be positive-positive. You repel another victim. Your polarity between you and a predator, if you’re a victim is magnetic, and you’ll attract that. The old adage when you walk down an unsafe street in the city

or in the suburbs, you don’t look down, you keep your eyes open, you keep your stand strong, because for the predator out there, they’re going to look at you and, “I’m not sure if that’s an easy one to victimize.” There’s a power in who you are. Again, it is polarity because, even though we’re off the track a little bit, it is true that it’s the difference that’ll attract.

It’s not that you’ll attract a predator, you’ll also attract a rescuer or a savior. The man that’s going to go in and try and save the woman. The truth is, despite the fact on the surface level that women think that they want to be saved, it’s not a dynamic that is going to work for a healthy turned-on relationship between a woman and a man.

Talk more about that. What does that mean?

It means that ultimately, I feel like the goal that we as women should have, if we want to step into our power and sexual sovereignty and our ability to have a deeply, explosive, ecstatic, amazing sexual relational experiences, is we need to realize that if we’re going into a relationship with the underlying desire for a man to come and save us, we’re continuing to believe that we can take care of ourselves. The more that we have these kinds of unconscious needs like, “I need my man to come in and save me,” we’re manipulating someone to come in and fill a need that they actually can’t win at. It’s not creating an equal power dynamic to have a fully present and embodied sexual experience. If a man is coming in as a rescuer and a woman is coming in as a victim and that’s the underlying energies and they come into a sexual experience, that’s just right for a whole bunch of sheez because it’s easy to switch from being a persecutor to being a rescuer. That’s why we need to be looking at the underlying energies and how each of us can move into being fully empowered in our energy, so we can have a fair and turned-on playing ground.

You have the masculine and feminine polarity. The concept is to have the greatest connection, the most spark, the most magnetism. You want to increase the polarity. You want to have a distance between. You want to create the positive and the negative. The second scale is from victim to villain from 0% responsibility to 100% responsibility. If you’re deciding to play the feminine, play it 100%. If you’re deciding to play the masculine, play it 100%. In that there’s polarity, and in that, there’s spark and attraction.

I’m interested how you said moving from 0 to 100 is moving from victim to villain. I’m curious what you mean by when you play it 100% as a woman that you move into villain. Can you speak about that?

This is an old school viewpoint that I love. A victim to villain. Why I used ‘villain’ or why I suspect they used ‘villain’ that my teachers taught me was that the ‘villain’ always creates the story. The superhero is just flying around the city looking for something to do, nothing’s really happening, it stops and gets a Starbucks coffee or gets a muffin, and just waiting. It’s not until the villain initiates the game that the game occurs. The villain is really the starter of the game. If you want to spark a game and create a game, be the villain. Take 100% responsibility to create the motion. What do you think?

Me and my main partner, we’re playing. We weren’t having sex, but I was on top of his lap and we were just playing with different energies. I allowed myself to embody more the aggressor, the dominant. I find that when I give myself approval to fully embody myself, I was going to say, “I’m naughty,” but it’s like there’s this deviousness. There are a lot of things going on in my mind. It’s like, “Don’t fuck with me and you’re going to love this.” There’s a delicious devious quality and it’s such a pure and unadulterated expression of my power. I do feel like a villain, like a really delicious villain, so thank you.

In that moment, wherever you were before, you switched into 100% of your masculine. You took on the aggressor. For me, the basic definition is masculine projects and the feminine receives. In that moment, you were in the play of running the container, holding the scene, and the man, he could have two options. One is he could slip into his feminine and receive, enjoy the sensation of your body parts, slowly rubbing up and down his leg. He could do that, that’s option #1. If he stepped into his masculine and he started to wrestle with you, then you had two choices. You could be happy about the wrestling or it could be like, “Sit down, motherfucker. Lay down. I’m the masculine role.” It’s a crapshoot and it is. If he would stand up to wrestle with you, then you’d both be in the masculine wrestling, which could be a lot of fun or it could decrease the charge that was happening when he was just lying there submitting to your rubbing on his leg.

That’s a willingness to stay present with the stroke of the moment, what is happening. I could see enjoying fighting, and then it reaches that highest point, the point where like, “We reached that spot where it’s not going to get any better than this,” and then surrendering back into the feminine and I could see it as being so fucking delicious.

That’s play and it’s a risky endeavor. If in your mind, for once you were just like, “I want to play the masculine, I want to play the straddler in this situation,” and a man doesn’t feel comfortable receiving, then the whole thing can go askew. It’s an interesting play. It’s an interesting dynamic.

It is an interesting dynamic and it’s also an amazing place. For people who are turned on by this conversation, it’s an amazing place to play with leaning into the opposite polarity, especially when there’s charge there in the sexual arena. It allows us to get in contact with the part of our self that we usually don’t allow to come out in our day to day life. If we have a partner or partners who are willing to play with us there and shower us with a lot of love and approval as we explore these more edgy aspects of ourselves, it can be invaluable for how we show up in our day to day life.

If you want to spark a game and create a game, be the villain. Take 100% responsibility to create the motion. Click To Tweet

Can you give one or two more specific experiences with polarity where it’s worked and where it hasn’t for you?

There’s another simple moment. I was with my partner and he tends to be more stoic in nature. I’ve described to him “It’s hard for me to feel what’s going on for you.” He might be like, “My neck is hurting,” For me, the way I express when I want something is very different than how he does usually but I was in this place of desiring to hold him more. He was lying down on the bed and I walked up behind him and took his head in my hands and just cradled his head, and I was like, “Do you need anything right now?” There was this moment of intentionally being, “I’m holding you and I’m loving you and I’m so willing to provide for you in this moment.” It was this motherly/masculine form of love. I immediately felt his entire body soften and the way he responded to me was soft. What I realized is that as a woman, when we’re wanting these things from men, I’m finding okay and like, “What can I do with my energy to invite a shift in this person in a really authentic way. If I want to feel my man’s softness, how can I create a safe space to hold that like I would want?” The more that I get more confident in myself as a woman and my ability to create a life that is of my choosing regardless of the man that’s in my life, I’m finding the more that I’m really feeling strong and being able to hold a solid safe masculine container for the man in my life to feel safe in, which ultimately I desire because I don’t want it to feel one-sided.

You used the word ‘maternal’ and ‘masculine’ and most people think maternal is not masculine. I have seen Morgan, my love, in her mother role very much in the masculine. In the mother, there’s the kids and the food and get the kids to school and got to get out the door by 7:10 and you have to get the noodles into the box, and the shoes and the socks and get the doggies. There is a masculine aspect to anything. It’s a constant balance between the two energies inside of you.

I really appreciate you making that distinction because there was this moment of realization of “I was super in my masculine and I was also mothering him.” Not coddling or caretaking him, but bringing this beautiful maternal instinct in at the same time, so thank you for that.

I thought of one example for me. I was in OneTaste and I was surrounded by women who would go back and forth inside their masculine and the feminine based on what there was. These women were strong. These women kicked ass. They were the Navy SEALs of orgasm. They were just awesome in that effect. The negative effect though, when I was thinking about it, nothing to do with them, on my own side, is a lot of the times, I would slip naturally into the feminine interception against my better choice or better nature. In other words, I betrayed and passed my own boundaries in terms of what I wanted and how I wanted it in order to match their energies. I think at times, they really wanted me to step up inside my masculine, so they could relax into their feminine. There was this back and forth energy that was challenging.

I appreciate you bringing that up because I have a feeling there are a lot of men who have a desire to pierce through the hard shell that women present. There’s also a lot of fear because there are so many ways that they could fuck it up. There are so many ways that that could go wrong and I’m just curious if you could speak to that a bit more.

The first and foremost is awareness around it, like anything. I don’t know to the depth, at the time, I knew how much I was slipping into the feminine when it was probably healthier for me or less toxic to stay in my masculine, so awareness. This comes down to practice and paying attention. We can coast through life and have these stimuli where we go against our grain and then to an energy we want to be, or we can actually start to pay attention like, “This doesn’t feel good” or “This doesn’t feel right” or “Something’s off.” Then to pull the thread underneath of what’s really happening inside to figure out what’s going on. In that process, in that belief system, to find out how to live healthier, it’s like anything else. If you match nitro and glycerin in the lab, the lab will blow up. “That’s against my goals. Let’s not do that.” I should’ve learned more to stay inside my masculine. Then, there’s habitual response. We have a lot of habits. We have a lot of groups in our system and so the ability to say, “I want to break out of my habit of always slipping into the feminine” is a really important step. It’s awareness, it’s consciousness, it’s making plans, coming up with a practice and then being dedicated to your practice to no longer be stuck in places you don’t want to be.

Ideally enrolling your partner or partners to be supportive in the calibration process. We can do this work without the support of the people that we’re engaging in intimacy with, but I find it can be way harder and more traumatic. It’s also the question of how do we create a safe container in our intimate and sexual relationships where we’re in the relationship and we’re also simultaneously zooming out, being like, “These are the edges we want to work with. How can we experience as much safety and compassion and connection as possible as we’re exploring this edgy and unchartered territory of being more in my feminine or being in my masculine?”

How do you increase your polarity beyond that? This is happening a lot in society where women are being pulled more into their masculine. They’re entering the workforce. There are statistics that say that the pay rate or the pay deficit between men and women, for millennial women is $0.93 to a dollar for every man. Not all women., but just millennial women entering the workforce. There’re also statistics that say that more women are getting hired than men. There are more women entering the workforce out of college than men. A woman works all day probably with men. To hold her position, she slips into her masculine. What do you recommend to women you coach to have them let go of this side of them and embrace their feminine?

The immediate thing that comes to mind is creating small containers for receiving is as simple and practical way to relax. If you tell anyone, “This pattern that you’ve been doing your entire life where you’re trying to control everything, stop that.” That’s going to be a big blowup and not going to happen. What I like to recommend is creating small experiences for fifteen minutes or for twenty minutes or 30 minutes, you’re going to do nothing, but allow yourself to soften and receive and notice what’s going on in your body. Again, like orgasmic meditation for example, which for those of you who don’t know, is a partnered practice that involves fifteen minutes of clitoral stroking with no goal to get anywhere other than to feel. Similarly, it’s a great practice around sexual practices of being able to receive oral sex or fingering for a period of time with not looking to get anywhere with a climax. Instead, just softening into your body and just feeling what’s going on there. If you’re not interested in sexual practices, another amazing way to soften is just to eye gaze. Sit across from a person that you’re intimate with or have a loving connection with and look at each other and soften your gaze and soften your body and notice what it feels like to be present and soft. I’m feeling it in my body right now imagining it. How about you?

When I coach women, I offer something similar. There’s a strange kind of guilt that happens for women who are in their masculine. I know there’re a lot of challenges for mothers who work and leave their kids at home. I know that’s a big thing, mommy guilt, that goes on. I’ve learned that talking to mothers. There’s also this weird, slight competition between mothers who stay at home and mothers who work. It’s an important thing to identify. The first is if you’re feeling guilty, let go of the guilt. We’re all doing the best we can and if you want a major change in your lifestyle, then do the work to have it, but don’t beat yourself up around it. Don’t torture yourself around it. Make a practice where you can slip in. If you spend seven or eight hours in the workforce, nine hours, ten hours being in the masculine, when you come home, do whatever you can to slip in to the feminine, to take a bath or sit or put your feet up. Find some way to get back into your body and relax, receive to allow that feminine essence to arise inside of you. A lot of time, that’s hard. We’re addicted to the adrenaline of the masculine and it’s hard to take that step of connecting back into your feminine. It’s super important for women to do. They’re not, and it’s causing trouble.

TL 114 | Playing With Polarities

Playing With Polarities: There is a masculine aspect to anything. It’s a constant balance between the two energies inside of you.

What do you recommend for women around helping men to feel safer to drop into their vulnerability?

Patience, first and foremost. For most men, 99.9% of men, they’ve been taught their entire life that it’s not okay to be in their emotions. They’ve had thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of experiences to reinforce that viewpoint that, “Don’t be a pussy. Don’t cry. Don’t be a baby. Man up.” All these things that are very popular in today’s society that we’re exposing. To know that you’re facing a man who thinks if he goes into his emotions, then he’s going to be considered weak or it’s going to be vulnerable or less of a man or he’ll lose that polarity. One, you have to be patient, very patient. The second is to keep talking to him about the safety of the container that you want to create for him. I did some internal research about my relationship with Morgan, and I realized to the depth of how little I trusted her.

If you ever met Morgan, she is sweet, nice, extraordinary, the nicest person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Even after engaging with her, there was still a general mistrust of women because I didn’t feel like I could be myself without some pain coming down the line. For a woman to help a man to get into his emotions, you have to A) Be patient, and B) You have to reward him for the little wins. They might not be wins that will be significant to you, but I guarantee those are significant to him. Your willingness to stay with him as he dives deep into shark-infested waters, to do that with love and compassionate and holding is the greatest gift you can give to a man. To switch topics, how does a man be more in his masculine? Any initial thoughts?

That’s the majority of the coaching work that I’m doing with men these days. I’m doing in-person work around not just coaching men, but with very clear boundaries, creating a space where it’s like “I’m a woman who’s actually going to invite all of your desire and all of your sexual energy to inhabit your body. Notice what that feels like when I’m not going to shame you. I’m not going to make you wrong. Even if I’m a ‘no’ to your desire, I’m not going to make you wrong or make you feel bad about it.” Creating a space for men can actually feel like their desire is safe. That’s the thing that I find most men say is that they’re afraid that they’re going to hurt a woman or scare a woman if they bring all of themselves out or be shamed by a woman. As a woman, what can we do to help men invite out their desire more is to trust ourselves more. It goes back to the conversation of looking at where we perceive ourselves as weak, where we perceive that we need a man in order to make us feel safe. The more we trust ourselves and are solid in our boundaries, the more that we can invite men to fully inhabit themselves because we’re not worried about if we’re going to say ‘yes’ to something that we don’t want to say ‘yes’ to.

I saw a Facebook post and it was something like, a man said to a woman, “I don’t feel safe being a man for the first time.” The woman said, “This is the first time I feel safe to be a woman.” That’s the change in dynamic in there. The hardest part that I’m seeing is the demonization of all men because of a very small percentage of men acting inappropriately. Not to say that men in general could use a lot of lessons of how to better treat a woman. I have this thesis that a lot of this sexual harassment is really men having their desires and not knowing how to communicate it. They keep it inside and it just boils and boils and boils and then it comes out in inappropriate toxic manners. I love what you’re saying about ‘men to feel safe to fully fill their desire’, but focus on the word, ’feel’. Feel your desire. You don’t have to act on it. The curse of a man is once he feels something, he thinks he has to either fuck it or kill it. That’s where a lot of the challenges are happening because it’s that you need to sit with the deep welling of your sensation and desire and then find a healthy way to connect to a woman or another person about it.

For me, to know that a man can fully connect to his desire and be turned on by me but have no agenda in terms of when the desire gets consummated or how, that’s when I, as a woman, feel safe to express my desire. One of the women who was in the workshop that I led, she was like, “I’m afraid of expressing any desire to a man because I’m afraid if I expressed some desire, that means that I need to be a ‘yes’ to everything.” I have this conversation with people all the time or people who are exploring non-monogamy for the first time, it’s like, “Now that I have all this freedom to act on my desires, why wouldn’t I want to have sex with everyone?” I feel like once we have the permission to act on all of our sex, then it’s like, “How do we get to acknowledge that attraction is on the table and find and feel all the richness of the interactions that can occur without needing to jump into penetration?”

It takes women telling truth and taking men listening. This weird scale that if you don’t have intercourse, your sex is less meaningful. That is a big piece for men and women. We’ve both been trained this. Intercourse is the penultimate act and it’s fun, it’s great, I love it. It’s not the penultimate act. It’s one really solid, fun act. To pull that pressure of “I must move through the bases very quickly to score, to get in there.” There’re so many invasive terms when it comes to sexuality. We go through it and to get down to a place where if you’re engaging with a partner you’re attracted to and touching, or don’t even touch, that can still be a hugely successful and a pleasurable act.

Let’s say you’ve been in the relationship with one person for a very long time, perhaps you’ve been married, monogamous, and you’re only connecting with the other two people and the sex life has dwindled, the chemistry has dwindled, a really amazing way to explore rekindling your chemistry is take sex off the table and instead explore what if your sexual experience has nothing to do with penetration. All we’re going to do is like each other’s bodies, no actual penetration. Maybe all we’re going to do is lick each other or touch. It’s just creating these containers, so we can feel how much turn-on is available without jumping right into ‘cock in the pussy’.

If you want to switch it up, switch the polarities. If one person is usually the doer and the other one is the doee, switch roles. Let the other part of you out and feel the challenges of it. It’ll be like making out with a whole new person.

I’m learning. I’m enjoying exploring my inner dominant these days. She’s coming out more.

How do you consciously use polarity to have a better relationship? We’ve talked about a lot of concepts. We have a lot of viewpoints, a lot of ideas. Do you have some specific tips and pragmatic tips of how to use this concept to have a better relationship?

I would say if one person tends to be in the more practical masculine role and one person tends to be in the more feminine role, do your best to switch it up. It can look like something simple. When they partner, David, sleeps over, I’ll be the one that cooks breakfast. It’s something that I handle, but when we woke up and he’s like, “Let me cook” and allowed him to take on this handling role and a place that I usually do, which allowed me to soften and have this entirely different experience of a pattern that we go through, of a habit that we go through on a daily basis. One fun way would be think about the things that you regularly do in your relationship where usually one person has one role and the other person has other, play with those and see what it feels like to be able to relax and hold in different places. That’s one thing I would recommend.

For a woman to help a man to get into his emotions, you have to be patient and you have to reward him for the little wins. Click To Tweet

One thing that popped up for me is if you notice your polarity has diminished or decreased or was never there in the first place, start to take some steps to increase the polarity, especially in your sex life. If you’re finding that neither of you are the aggressor or neither of you are the receiver, go with one direction and consciously talk about it. If there is a dominance in the relationship and handling stuff, step up to increase your polarity. For a man, one of the most attractive things you can say to woman is, “I got this. I’ll handle this. No problem.” What a woman can do is just go, “I can shrink happily into my feminine. He’s got this.” The ability to step up into that next level to increase more polarity, to have more spark, to have more magnetism deliberately, is a powerful play.

I was doing some reading about finding your hot sexy movie. The article was talking about how couples can go and find movies that have particular sex scenes or certain scenes that turn them on and go out and start to find these things and bring it back into your relationship and talk about what turned you on about that dynamic. This is a great place to start exploring edges and sex, fetishes, and BDSM. We don’t even need to actually act upon these things, but to find what it is that we like and start having dialogue with our partners around what feels edgy about it and what turns us on about these particular dynamics.

This is Show #6 of Season 1. You can find Arielle at You can find me at TuffLive.Live. There are contacts and many ways to find us. Thank you so much for being my partner on this wild six-week ride.

I’m really honored and happy to be so.

Resources mentioned:

About Arielle Brown

TL 114 | Playing With PolaritiesArielle is a Relationship Expert & Intimacy Educator. She specializes in helping people to create deeper connection and intimacy their relationships and greater community. In her private coaching work with singles and couples, she helps people create or revitalize relationships that are authentic to the needs, values and desires of each person. Her group facilitation and workshops focus on cultivating deeper levels of intimacy with others through conscious communication, energetic attunement and sensory awareness of the body. Learn more at

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