When you put limits on your body and your business you also put limits on having fun. Dana Pharant of Inner Dominatrix explains that domination is an internal work where the energy that is inside of you is allowed to come out, making desire a tool to meet your goals. Often seen as just sex in leather and a whip, a professional dominatrix is different and similar in some aspects because she helps people let go of the day to day pressure of work and transform through the pain. Learn why domination can be reinterpreted into connection and control.
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I’m very excited for a new episode with a guest star Dana Pharant of Inner Dominatrix. Inner Dominatrix is the internal work you do to allow the energy that’s inside of you to be out, be huge, and propagate, and for you to have all the goals and desires that you want. Dana demonstrates some really lead techniques way beyond my understanding, way beyond my scope, which I’m really grateful for, because I love learning new ways to be better and more advanced in this world, and Dana definitely has some chops in this arena. She coaches a woman who walks on the show as Nancy, talking about her life and where she feels stuck. I’m just silent listening this experience as she blows me away of the very quick and powerful transformation from Nancy to Sahira, her new name by the end of the show. For more shows, please visit us at TuffLove.Live.
We talk about what needs to be talked about; issues, how to improve your life, things around social media, relationship types, communication, business, etc. I’m really excited to have Dana on because she has experience in a world I don’t, and that’s the dominatrix world. I’ve always wanted to be a dominatrix to be honest. It’s a little fetish fantasy of mine, so maybe we can talk about that. I’ve known quite a few professional dominatrix in my life. They’ve always been really amazing, really interesting people. I’m really looking forward to the show. Seeing what wants to arise. Welcome Dana, thanks so much for being on the show.
Thanks. Robert. It’s a pleasure.
Dana’s a master healer, life strategist, published author, number one Amazon author, past CEO of a new seven-figure business and former dominatrix. She is currently a transformational coach who uses her dynamic tools for rapid change, kick ass energy and ability to proceed, pinpoint and pop the problem, limiting your body and your business while having fun. You and I will get along just fine. That’s like my bio but a little different, without the dominatrix. First, maybe you could just define the term dominatrix. What does that mean to you?
Dominatrix is somebody who uses the kink modality. BDSM is like 50 Shades of Grey. Think that, but take out the Hollywood version of it. The thing is that what most people misinterpret is they think dominatrix and they think sex. A professional dominatrix is actually not about sex, it’s about the transformation for the client. You take them through this journey with the whips and the pain, to actually transform what’s going on in their body and in their lives, and help them to drop in and get reconnected with who they really are.
To relieve the pressures of the day to day life so they can go back to work or family in a way that allows them to feel grounded and reconnected and relieved of the pressures of the world. It’s often misunderstood. It looks as though on the outside that it’s all about me and my control, but it’s actually a very service oriented job in which I’m concerned about what they need, where they need to go. I’m always aware of their safety because this is something that can go bad and their life is on the line. Ultimately, the role that I play as this big meanie, is done to create a response for them, to create that transformation.
How did you end up in that line of work? What was your journey to get to that spot where you can hold people through that journey?
I actually started out on the submissive side of things, and just to back it up to give a little bit of history. I grew up in a cult, and through that had a lot of abuse in my family, including sexual abuse. When I left there, I spent those twenty years really digging through to get rid of this trauma in my body, to be able to function, not have flashbacks, and all those kinds of things. I got to the point where I was functioning. I had a relationship, I had a house, so everything’s going good. I was working as a massage therapist at this time, and a client of mine comes in, discloses to me that she’s into the kink. Because she wants me to know if I see bruises, marks, or whatever, we can talk about it openly, which I really valued. I thought that’s really great.
It lit a spark for me and I was, “There’s something about that,” and I kept asking her questions. I wasn’t in a position to explore just right then, so I did lots of reading. When I finally left the relationship that I was in, then I called her up and I’m, “We need to go to a party. When’s the next party?” I was asking her. I explored the submissive side of it, and what was incredible was that I was actually able to, for the first time, let go of the trauma in my body, to relax, and to give up that hyper vigilant state that I was always in. I was amazed at the transformation for me and how much it had done in such a short time. My healer side of things was, “I want to do this for other people.”That was a transition. I wanted to create that transformation for people, so I moved over into the dominatrix side.
First clients, first experience being a dom. Do you want to share a story or something thrilling from that moment?
I will disclose that most of my play was on a personal level, so it was my choice. Who I played with, what the parameters were. I did a bit of a pro dom work where I was being paid, but quickly decided that that’s a lot of work to manage and the expectations, and trying to blend that into what I was doing that just wasn’t going to work. First scene, it’s nerve wracking. You step in and you’re, “How do I actually get to that space of being strong enough for them to be able to let go?” With having some of the energy background, I really pulled on that a lot, and I pulled a lot of my experiences of how it felt to be a submissive and what was it that I really liked from the dom, and how did I bring that in? I did a lot of role playing and stepping in, and bringing that energy into it. It was a fun dance, but nerve wracking at the same time.
I have many questions and many different avenues I want to go to, but the one that’s most present for me is the concept of surrender, which is something that a lot of people struggle with. They struggled with fear of losing control, the fear of what happens if I give my body, my psyche, my heart, and my soul to another person or another thing? How do you coach people around the concept of surrender? How do you make it safe enough for them to not release themselves into yours or another dominatrix hands?
The surrender is a gradual process. Click To TweetSo much of that is the initial set up. The negotiation phase, where you start talking about what do we want to explore? Techniques, scenes, what are the safe words, what words or trigger words? It can be innate, somebody called you fat as a kid and you don’t want to use that in a demeaning term. You got to get all of that out, so that, that trust factor is built in the very beginning. Going into a scene with all of that trust factor laid out, now the person has a layer of where they’re, “I feel like you care. You know what’s going on.” Then the next layer of it is me being able to get that energy of the dominatrix where I step in and I got it, I’m walking in and I’m, “I have got this.”How I show up actually allows them again to let go another layer. The third layer that I would see is in the actual scene.
As you’re ramping up the pain, as you’re ramping up the whipping, so you do a bit of whipping, you back off a little bit and then you’d go a little bit harder and then you back off. That ramping up sets up all the endorphins. You get that rush that starts to change the physiology and the body. I was always playing with the energy in getting them to connect deeper and deeper and that sense of when they can sense that I’m reading what’s going on with them. There’s a trust level. Again, that’s built. The surrender is a gradual process. It’s not something that’s, “Instantly drop in and surrender.” We have to coax it out of people.
Most people don’t do that. Most people do not take the time to set the parameters of safety, to talk about those little simple things. If you called me fat in a scene, I would not be happy, or I would go out of control. That is a trigger word for me and so taking the time is a great metaphor for all aspects.
It’s such a great translation for relationships of any kind, especially your personal relationships. If you can’t have that kind of detailed conversation with your partner and say, “What do you like? What do you not like? Do you want it fast? Do you want it slow? Do it hard?” You can actually talk about the specifics. Then jumping into sex, it’s just not going to be as great. It seems a little counter intuitive I think. The magic’s going to be lost if we talk about it, but the magic can actually be enhanced if we talk about it. “What do you like? Why do you like that? How is that?” To actually get that conversation going, so I get excited about that just to translate those skills over for people.
Let’s follow that thread. You’re a professional dom, you had a successful business. Now, you’re the inner dominatrix. Can you explain what is the inner dominatrix and what do you do now?
I actually got pushed out of the kink world, and that’s what opened up the energy side of it more. I was in the kink world, I was really involved in the community, and some people within that community started to bad mouth me. The universe was clearly giving me a message to get out. I got all upset and I’m, “I’m going to pack up my whips and going home, and I just shut everything down, closed the dungeon, and I’m done.” At that point then, this energy modality came in where I was able to connect people that same deep surrender, but using energy instead, which works for me because honestly it’s a lot of work to beat people.
That’s that piece of I want to look at the energy of who I had to become to step into that role. Because for me, I see a huge translation of being able to take those skills, that confidence, that poise, that willing to negotiate, the willing to talk about all the hard stuff, take all of that and go into business. We need to be able to negotiate, we need to be able to ask for sale, we need to be confident when we go to networking events, when we’re talking with clients, all of that. We need to stand in our expertise. Whatever business you’re doing, your client wants you to show up as the expert. That’s Inner Dominatrix.
The buzzword for that is presence, and presence of course in relationships. No women, like men with presence. In terms of business, I think it’s something I talk a lot about what my clients, is how you show up is the sale or not the sale, or the continuing of the sale, or the conversation. Because if you show up as a professional and without lack of inner fortitude, without your belief in yourself, that’s all the people are going to hear, and belying the expertise you may be hiding behind that lack of confidence.
I truly believe that people go based on the energy of who we are, our presence, how we show up, far more than what we say.
Inner Dominatrix: People go based on the energy of who we are, our presence, how we show up, far more than what we say.
You’re working with a brilliant entrepreneur or professional. They’re, lacking in that presence, they’re lack in that confidence. What are your dynamic tools that you use to build someone up? What are just a few examples?
My primary standards in the energy world, so I first all I like to get people to connect it to this idea of expanding your energy out. When we’re kind of all messed up and we’re feeling stressed and whatnot, what most people do is they pull in, thinking that I’m going to protect myself by pulling in, but you pull in and you have last choice, because now your contracted and restricted. If you instead take your energy field and expand out, even just having the intention, energy just falls into it. You expand out to infinite space. Now you have connection to all of the resources infinitely. You have connection to what people call source or your divine inner going, with God, or however you want to call it.
By expanding out, you have more options to connect into that. That starts to really change things in the dynamic of your presence. There’s also a real big piece of pulling this stuff out of your body that doesn’t serve you anymore. Self-judgments, limiting beliefs, energetic imprints from abuse or traumas. That’s again, energy follows intention. If you were able to grab it out of your body, pull it out, I just do simple grab it out, rub the energy on it, and blast it. It’s that simple. People make it complicated. Then after you’ve done some of that work and you start really getting connected to your intuitive knowing, then we can really start to stand and say, “What does it feel like to have that inner dominatrix energy? We can’t go there until we’ve cleared off the baggage.”
That reminds me of the lesson if you read Dangerous Alley, don’t pull your energy in, push your energy out, because it’ll be less attractive for people who want to assault you. It’s kind of the same thing. You said it’s not as complicated as people make it more complicated than it sounds. Can you give a pragmatic first step for someone who wants to learn to be able to follow the energy out? What would you say to someone of a pragmatic step to practice that?
I love using questions for people that are just getting started. You ask yourself questions. All you’re doing is you’re imagining being a curious five year old. It’s that five year olds, “What happens if I stick my finger in the socket?”We’re getting that energy, and then you start asking questions of like, “What would it feel like if I expanded as big as room? What would it feel like if I expand it out as big as the world? What would it feel like if I expanded as big as a solar system?”
You’re sending your energy out into the universe, and being curious and imagining it. What happens next?
Once you get yourself connected to what it feels like to be the size of infinite space, now you can f notice how much more ease you have in your body. You’ve got, “I don’t have this pressure on my body.” Now the thing is to lock that in on habit, and what I like people to do is we can make use of technology. Everybody’s got a cell phone. You’d set up your cell phone to have a ring every half hour, and something gentle. When that ringtone goes off, you just take this half a second to a second to expand back out. What you do is you start setting in that muscle development so that you are expanding out more and more of the time. What this does is that it also allows you to not get caught up in what’s going on with everybody else. If you’re not caught up with what’s going on with everybody else, it’s a lot easier to be in the world. That’s my practical, pragmatic, very first step. Doing it as often as you can, get in the habit, get in the feel of it. That one step, when I’ve had people do that on a regular basis, it has changed things dynamically that on its own.
If you’re not caught up with what’s going on, it’s a lot easier to be in the world. Click To TweetThe 30-minute reminder is a check and then it’s an actual push out to get into the practice of it.
Yes.
What’s an example of a result to seeing in one of your clients, and what’s something that amazed you in one of your clients when you have to implement this?
I think one of the cool ones that is funny is she’s a tough nut. She’s this very analytical, scientific mind, and she’s actually a terrible example in that she’s been years coaching with me. The result of her doing this process when she went to negotiate her business sale, she ended up with half a million dollars more on her sale, than she would have at the beginning. Getting her to really step into that Inner Dominatrix and pushback, and stay disconnected from what’s going on with everybody else, and negotiate. Just keep negotiating to keep negotiating. She had a great result there.
I’ve had other clients who have been able to take their businesses from 200,000 to 2 million and doing it in a way that they’re able to handle the blips and the ups and downs with ease. They’re just like, “The bigger you get, the bigger the problems.” We need to actually expand our mental, emotional bandwidth, so that when those things come in, we don’t get all caught up in it. We don’t have time. If you go big, you don’t have time for that. It’s being able to handle all that with ease, and those are the clients that I’m showing you examples of where they’ve gone.
I love the image of the first woman. I just imagine her energy’s really small and then I don’t think it’s a bad example. I think it’s a great example. Sometimes it does take years, and to have that practice of commitment to your energy, and then it’s worth it. It’s worth half a mil more. It’s a lot to do with our self-worth. That’s what I’m hearing is huge, a huge piece as we walk in. We all think we’re deserving, we take the lower end. We walk in thinking now I’m a bad ass. This is important, I’m deserve this, and I think that’s what you’re coaching providers, which I think is an amazing gifts to give to her into the world.
Thank you.
Live Coaching
Let’s bring Nancy. How are you?
I’m nervous and excited.
Thank you so much for your courage, for being on the show. What can we do for you? How can we make this time most optimal for you?
I’m in the middle of a weird place in my life right now. I don’t have a relationship, I don’t have a career, and I don’t have a place to live. There’s the three things that keep me anchored in my life. I’ve had this big desire to find a person to hold me in that place so I can go out of control, because I’ve been in control of things probably for the last 50 years. I’ve been searching for this person, who I didn’t find, and now I feel I kind of given all that up to the universe as my partner. In this kind of free falling into the universe and I’m just kind of checking it out. I started a business, which I put a lot of energy into, and then I took my attention off that and went on vacation. Now I’m in this place of I don’t want to say figuring my life out because it puts a lot of my energy into my brain, which I feel maybe it’s tense that.
Inner Dominatrix: With the big transitions that you’ve been doing, it would be great if we just pull out all those definitions of who you are.
One of the things that I would I’d want to poke at first is when you talk about giving it up to the universe, energetically, it still feels to me like you are putting that outside of you. I would want to be taking and saying, “The universe has this incredible resource,” but how do we make you the source? How do we make you the one that you fall back on, and to bringing that connection up there in here? If you can just expand out a little bit and a whole lot more. Here’s where I’m going to nudge you, is that I want you to imagine being able to grab these programs and ideas of who we are. I think with what the big transitions that you’ve been doing, I think it would be great if we just pull out all those definitions of who you are.
We’re just going to make a big messy pile in front of you. We’ll blast it in a minute, but a big ass messy pile. How you defined yourself, how you’ve decided that you need something outside of you, whether it’s a universe, a person, or all that? Put that in the pile. Then I want you to go and grab all the stuff on that. All the charge. All of it. All the stuff that you’re hiding in the corners that you’re, “She won’t see that.” All of it. All of it. Expand out more. Here’s the thing, I want you to try grabbing all of that and I promise if you want any of it back afterwards, you totally take it back. Let’s just see what it’s like to be without it, just to play. Throw more of it in. Put it in the pile. We’ll just ignore what everybody else is thinking, who cares?
Energy is great, we can fuck it up, and it’ll still work. All of that, all of that, all of that. Even more. All those definitions of who you think you are, who you think you should be. All that, all that stuff where you think you should be something, you think you should show up a certain way. There we go. Starting to feel a little bit more space in your body? Good. Now that big pile of stuff that we’ve got it in front of you, here’s the choice part. Are you willing to release and destroy it all? You get to say yes or no? They’re going to ask you to verbalize it.
Yes.
Just has a little more power when you’re actually, “Yes, I’m ready.”We just grab a big blast of energy. We just one, two, three. Energy follows intention. That’s why I asked you to say yes, because here’s the thing, it’s you that is creating the change. I’m guiding you, but ultimately it’s you that’s doing this. Does that make sense? Do you feel that?
Yes.
How does it feel in your body that we’ve moved some of that?
Super hot. My skin feels like it’s on fire, like I’m burning. Then really expansive.
I can tell that you’re settled in a little more into your body. Here’s the thing that so much of the time we forget to check in on whether what is going on here that we feel is even ours. I’m going to teach you, you probably know a technique or something like this, but what I like to do is to get people to start checking in on what is there as in what is not. If we asked two questions, one that’s really true and one that’s false. I’m going to ask you, is your name Nancy? I’m going to ask you, are you a chipmunk? Those are our two, because you’re not a chipmunk. I know it’s funny, but what I’m going to have you do in a moment is to check in to your body. I think you’re going to be able to pick this up really easy.
Like a lie detector test.
All we’re noticing is a sensation of open, expansive, or tingly, and then a sensation of heavy contracted. If I ask you, is your name Nancy? Just notice your body. That was a sensation. Then we compare that to ‘are you a chipmunk’?
The difference feels really subtle to me.
When you said I am Nancy, felt question. There wasn’t a really solid yes, and it could be that there’s some nervousness about declaring that. Maybe just want to try it again, and really embody the yes of the Nancy.
Let me just check in on an energetic level. Does the name Nancy not fit you? That’s the problem. Do you have a name that does fit?
Sahira.
See that’s got a totally different energy. Let’s try it again. Is your name Sahira?
Yes.
Are you a chipmunk?
No.
You feel the difference this time? This is the thing. This is your yes and no. When you’re starting to check in and ask questions, you look for that sensation, you’re looking for what feels that yes answer, so that you know what’s true for you. When I’m getting people to check in on a sensation, emotion, or any of those, I ask three questions. Does it belong to you, someone else or something else? Now, almost everybody likes to go their logical brain and go, “I feel it in my brain,” so therefore it must be mine. That’s not actually answering it. That’s just your brain getting all in there. We want to be checking deeper down for the body and say, “Which of those three has that yes sensation?” When you’ve got something going on, it’s, “Does that belong to me, someone else or something else?” That lights up on someone else. That feels yes.
Then all you need to do in those cases is to expand out more, and let go, because it’s not yours. Because we have the ability to pick up on thoughts, feelings, and emotions from people. They’ve scientifically studied it for 33,000 miles, but I tend to think it’s around the globe. Even 33,000 miles, that’s probably a couple billion people that you’re potentially picking up on. What’s the possibility that they’re feeling crappy? Expand back out again, and we started to get you connected to what is authentically yours. That’s the stuff that we can blast out. If it’s not actually yours, we can’t blast it out. The biggest part of what I do is just retraining people to connect with what is actually theirs. Why don’t we dig a bit deeper? Tell me a little bit more about what would you like as an outcome, where would you like to be or how would you like to feel?
I’d like to feel like I can be all of myself, and not two separate people. I have these two sides, but a couple of aspects of myself that don’t feel like they’re together. When I think of myself as being a good mom and then myself as being a powerful witch. There’s a lot of sex involved with my witchiness and not a lot involved with my being a good mom. I’d like to be able, the union of those two.
I can take you through a different techniques, this is back from my NLP days, but it feels like it would really fit. What you’re going to do is you’re going to take, and I want you to create a symbol that for you represents the good mom, and we’re going to put that symbol in one hand. Then create a symbol that represents for you this orgasmic witch. I want you to notice the texture, the temperature, the color, the sounds, the smells, really get to know them a little bit. Notice all of that. Now what we’re going to do is we’re going to pretend that these two symbols have the ability to communicate.
We’re just going to assume that they can. I want you to ask the good mom to notice the orgasmic witch, and to see if she can find something that she really appreciates and respects about the orgasmic witch. Then we’re going to do the same. Ask the orgasmic witch to notice the good mom, and what does she respect and love, and what is really awesome about good mom? Remember to keep breathing. Then check in with them, and see if they’re willing to partner up. Can you sense, do they want to partner up?
Yes.
What you’re going to do is you’re going to slowly bring your hands together, and bringing those two symbols together, and in doing that, you’re going to create a whole brand new symbol. See the melding together and creating a brand new symbol. Then bring that new symbol when you’re ready into your body. This often takes a little bit to just integrate in with all the cells and move through. Nice deep breaths. It’s a reorganization in your system. How does that feel?
It was really good.
You seem a lot more grounded and in your body. Does it feel like you can blend those two now? You think they can really be cooperative partners?
Yes.
How they’re really just the same person. There we go. It’s an important thing to realize that we do this, we compartmentalize ourselves, and that’s dangerous because then we have limited resources. If we compartmentalize and we say, “We put one chunk of us over here, one chunk is over here, then we have some resources here and some resources here,” but we want to bring that together so you got all the resources. It’s a very powerful technique. I can feel it still percolating through.
Thank you.
My pleasure. Can’t wait to see what happens now. Where you end up going with that.
Me too.
Energy follows intention. Click To TweetYou can change so much in such a short period of time. I alluded to the fact that some people make energy work really complicated. They like to make this big systems and you’ve got to chant backwards, stand them on foot, and then tuck the bed, and then do this, and speak French, they make it really complicated. Yet, it’s just energy. It follows intention. What’s your intention? At the same time, I’m saying it’s really easy and it’s often difficult for us to be therapist and patient at the same time. You don’t surrender to yourself because part of your brain’s having to be therapist.
That’s where you work with somebody who can guide you through it. You can drop in and your only job is be patient. Now you’re, “We can fly.” I would suggest to people that when you’re working on yourself and you do it all because there’s tons of great self-help tools, work on all this stuff that has an intensity rating of six or below. Zero is like no charge, somewhere in the six and below, work on it yourself. Anything above that, get some help.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Thank you so much for playing. I had this thought, definitely changed her Facebook name to Sahira, did I do that right? Get rid of all scrapes, because Nancy is the mom by herself, and I think Sahira really is the union of the two sides of yourself which might actually be 47 sides, but for time constraints, I think two is a good idea.
Cheers for myself when I was belly dancing. Came out into the world. The Nancy is the name my mother gave me.
Thank you so much for being on the show. You were awesome.
Thanks, it was fun.
I love having guests on the show because that’s the technique that I would never do. I would just never even think of it. I’m like a talking coach, I’m a gregarious, investigative, talking coach, but you just demonstrated a whole new technique that I certainly felt. I’m so grateful you demonstrated that.
My pleasure. It’s so much fun because it shifts things and sometimes that’s a way to get at it, either through bypass the brain and get right to the subconscious and change things.
How do people find you? How do people work with you? What do you offer?
I have my own podcast that people can check out called Inner Dominatrix. Great place to get some more tips and tools. The Facebook group called Access Your Inner Dominatrix. There’s a bit of a theme here. The website is InnerDominatrix.com. Basically if you search anywhere for Inner Dominatrix, you will find me.
Do you do one-on-one sessions? Is that most of what you do or do you do groups as well?
One-on-one, small groups and I’m putting together an online program as well.
Inner Dominatrix: Look where your intention is because that’s where your energy is going to follow.
Thank you so much for being on the show.
My pleasure, Robert.
Thank you so much for everyone who’s been downloading. Numbers are going, really helpful for me and the book proposal. I’m really grateful for that. Please, if you’re listening, the best you could do for me is to tell a friend to subscribe on iTunes to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell or join my mailing list at TuffLove.Live. That’s really helpful to me before the book proposal is due. Go forth, find your inner dominatrix. The energy follows your intention. Look where your intention is because that’s where your energy is going to follow. Thanks so much. I love you. Take care.
Thank you so much for joining us for Tuff Love. For the record, that was the quietest I’ve ever been on a Tuff Love. Putting much mute watching Dana do some amazing things. Thanks so much. Go forth, be free, get some nookie. I love you. Take care.
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