Being unique and different is a way to live life for some people because it not only means they are standing out from the crowd, but they are being true to the integrity they stand for. When they follow the path of people who are successful, and start knowing what they didn’t know, they shrink into themselves and not like what they are seeing. But a life lesson isn’t a life sentence. Learning from others and reaching out for their support is necessary to get to the next phase of life. Mistakes in life will happen one way or another but the question is what you do when it happens to you. Fearing mistakes is part of the growth process, but making it part of you will make you a better person.
103: It’s a Life Lesson, not a Life Sentence
Our show is called It’s a Life Lesson, Not a Life Sentence. To be absolutely honest with you, I don’t remember what I did in the last couple of shows if I’ve talked about this topic. I’ve been doing so many guest interviews that I keep saying the damn stories over and over again. I’m totally confused if I’ve actually talked about this in the last show. I know I did the Eckhart Tolle story about the fear body, etc. The point is that if it’s repetitive, I guess the lesson is that it’s needed to be said again, which I’m a true believer. The second thing is that this show is going to dive around on a few different topics. I was doing my little scriptwriting and I was just really feeling like there are a lot of topics to cover around this area. It’s going to be a feminine conversation. We’re going to go around in circles and hit the center in the middle. That’s the goal. We’ll invite Kelley to come back on the show and do a little coaching. I’m very excited to have Kelley on the show.
The first thing is that things are really changing for me. This show is not about me, even though it’s totally about me. It’s really about you. It’s about us in relationship. Things are really changing and I like to use my body and my soul as your test-crash dummy. I will put myself into the situations time and time again so you don’t have to. That’s what my life is about on some level. Then I come back to you on the show or on my writing and I report back to you what I’ve learned.
One of the biggest things I want to start talking about is this concept of integrity. I’m doing work with this crazy psychic therapist and she could just read my mind like no other. The last session we had with her was we talked about the concept of integrity. One of the things that she mentioned to me is her reflection that I was not able to do anything unless it’s absolutely integrity with my soul. That has cut me out of a lot of things and put me into a lot of boxes because I’m so stubborn around this concept of integrity, having it feel right. One of the things that’s important to me is that I do things that are unique and different. I have a lot of trouble following other people’s paths to do things the way they’ve done it because there’s something inside my integrity that requires that it’s unique or different or something really my own flavor. You’ve heard the saying, “Don’t reinvent the wheel,” but I can’t use other people’s wheels because there’s something in my ego, there’s something in my arrogance, there’s something in my soul that can’t follow it.
If you look on your Facebook, if you look on your feed for the sponsored, there’s a really well laid out path of how to sell something or how to be something or how to build your business. I hate them all. A friend of mine just sent me a ClickFunnels sales page for his product. I love him but I hated it. I didn’t hate it for him. It’s good for him. He did a good job, he’s got good colors. He did the standard video. It’s so rote. His pitch, I’ve heard a good 70 or 80 times with other buddies selling other things. The rote step-by-step approach doesn’t work for me. He sent me his ClickFunnel because he’s done a lot of work and a lot of research, and he’s like, “Here, Rob. You could just copy mine.”
My soul, actually my genitals, just shrink. My testicles re-entered my body in fear of going at it. I said to Morgan, “Don’t ever let me do this. Don’t ever let me follow this approach.” I have nothing against him and other people doing it, I just can’t do it for myself because it’s out of my integrity. Because of that, I have to reinvent the fucking wheel and that’s a little annoying. I just want to be able to plug in what I do and follow someone else’s formula and be done. I don’t want to have to re-invent the wheel, but I can’t. That’s the point. I can’t do it if it’s not my way because of my integrity. I have to do it my way.
The second thing is that this is the busiest I’ve ever been in my business. When I started 2017, I set some specific goals in terms of how I wanted my business to look. I want to quickly review this. I talked about this a few times on other podcast and this one, this concept of money projects and sexy projects. This is a Rich Litvin. He invited us. He related to me. Rich Litvin told me about this where basically your money project is the one that pays your bills and your sexy projects are the ones that feed your soul. If you have too much money projects then you don’t feel inspired and your soul dies basically. If you have too many sexy projects, then what happens is you can’t pay your bills.
As a business person or as in personal life, you need to find that perfect balance between your money projects and your sexy projects. Sometimes your sexy projects can become your money projects. The point is that you want to find that balance. February and March of 2017, I started to look at my business and looked at the dynamics and I said to myself, “I wanted $20,000 in business consulting per month.” That was my goal. I’m pretty damn close to it ten months later. I’ve hit this really great revenue numbers. I have four really solid business clients and two possible coming on. It’s this point where I’m the busiest I’ve ever been.
The thing is once you get clients, you have to service your clients. It was really easy when I didn’t have any clients or a really small client load. I could sit around and wax the poetic and read comic books, read graphic novels and watch TV. I don’t have time for that. It is really start work at 8:00, 8:30, kick ass until 6 and go home and take a nice lunch break. The point is that it’s the busiest I manifested. I fucking did it. I did it and I’m really happy about that. What I’m seeing in that is I need to leverage. Let’s go back to the basics with Tony Robbins. The two most important points from my view of how to build a business is one is your psychology, the second is your leverage. The psychology is, what’s your feeling, what’s your view point, what’s your relationship to your business? Is it open and expansive or is it contracted? If you’re contracted as a business owner, your business won’t expand. If you believe and have empowered and just shoot for the fences in bringing your intention to your business, then it will expand. I’m proof of this.
The second is leverage. If you’re doing everything for your business from posting social media to billing to cleaning, you’re under-leveraged. You have to look at the actions you’re taking and what’s the opportunity cost? Opportunity cost being a business term for, “If you do A, what’s the cost of not doing B?” “I’m a successful $300 an hour business consultant, and if I’m spending time posting on Twitter which I can pay someone $25 to $30 an hour, the opportunity cost is $300 minus that $25, $275 per hour.” The point was that I’ve just built a team. I went from no one working for me because people working for you is really annoying. It is really annoying having employees and contractors working for you because one, you have to watch them.
Two, you have to keep them busy. Three, they have personalities. Four, they make mistakes. It is just annoying to have other people because they’re human, and so I’ve resisted it. I tried to have an intern last year, it didn’t work out. I just resisted it but I’m really seeing the loss of opportunity cost if I don’t. I didn’t just hire one person. I now have three people and I’m looking to do a fourth. The point was that it is a huge step up in my expansive and changing who I was. I’ve gone from no employees or no contractors to four contractors in a blink of an eye. The fear of that is in the past when I ran organizations with 15, 20, 50, or 100 people working under me with managers in between but I have all those people, it took a lot of time and attention. That’s a big change.
The point I’m getting across is that my business is busy, I’ve built this team, and I have this integrity. What does this have to do with life lessons and life sentences? Here’s the thing Leilani, the psychic, therapist, guru, taught me. She said to me what I do is I carry around my past pain and lessons on my back to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes again. I do this somewhat consciously, but mostly unconsciously. It’s like going to school and getting a very big backpack and putting every single textbook. Back in the days before there were Kindles, we have this thing called textbooks that were freaking huge books. Now, you have one thin notebook thing that’s the size of an inch and a half that you could carry and have all your books.
Back in the day, we had textbooks and some of these textbooks were big. You go to high school or you go to college and you’d have like 87 pounds in your backpack full of textbooks. It’s like carrying around every single textbook you used in college, four years, 347 pounds on your back that I carry so I won’t do the things I did wrong, miscued in the past again. I can always go into my backpack and say, “If you do that to that person, it will harm. If you set that kind of deal up, you’re going to get screwed. If you trust this woman and go behind her and live in her shadows, you’re going to go right back into the prison you did without a mother and betrayed by bad people.”
The point is I carry around these books on my back because I’m afraid of doing them again, and I do this mostly unconsciously. What this woman said is I have to let go of that backpack. This is the point of these rants is I have learned that the lessons inside of me are inside of me. I don’t need to carry around the burden of my past mistakes, the pain of my past mistakes, just because I’m afraid of doing the bad deeds again. It’s a life lesson, not a life sentence. It’s not like I need to carry around the weight of my past experiences to remember not to get into partnership again unless it’s really well thought out. I can treat my contractors and employees really well because I remember all the things I did where I didn’t treat them well. I can know to first listen to Morgan’s feelings when she’s talking to me and validate them without being a guy trying to fix them like I’m talking to her like I’m a car mechanic and trying to fix her car.It’s a life lesson, not a life sentence. Click To Tweet
The first thing I can do is I know from what she’s taught me in our relationship that I can slow down to remember to validate her feelings first. There are these 1,000 and 10,000 and 100,000 and a million life lessons, these moments in my time that I have access to and I don’t need to carry around the pain or the pleasure of how I learned that life lesson. They’re integrated in my body. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to miscue, I’m not going to forget to do things with Morgan and I’m not going to make mistakes with my employees. It’s going to happen, I’m a human being. I move fast sometimes or I’m not paying attention or my ego gets in the way. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I don’t need to carry around the weight and the pain and the self-flagellation of all the things I’ve done and continually beat myself up in order for me to remember what I need to remember.
The second thing around what Leilani pointed out to me was that I’ve had fear of success and expansion because of these past life lessons, these past pains. I’m afraid of getting big because in the past when I tried to get big or when I tried to expand, I did harm, and so I’ve had this foot on my brake. I’ve stopped my own growth. This is a really unconscious thing. This is the point I want to get across. I set the intention to build my business and I’ve gotten to a point where my business is in pristine shape and still I have really big plans for 2018. I don’t need to fear my mistakes because I’ve integrated them into me. Just look at those places where you have the foot on your brakes about your growth in terms of relationship or business or personal growth or health or fitness. Look at where your past life sentences you’ve imposed on yourself to stop you from getting what you want. The great parole board in the sky, God, is now saying to you through me that you’ve been paroled from your life sentence. If you want, they’re handing you the paper so you can let go of this past pain in order to have the life the way you want it. We’re very good at staying in the smallness of our own creation out of fear of our bigness.
I wanted to take this concept and bring it to the specific example of building this team. Building a team takes attention, organization and money. I’m investing into this four people, probably a good $3,000 to $4,000 a month in terms of revenue, of paying them. I’m also putting myself to the next level where I need to be ahead of the curve and I need to train them and educate them and tell them hard news when I don’t like something. I need to watch them and pay attention. The $3,000 or $4,000 I invest in them, I can turn into $10,000 or $15,000 because I want to pre-sell 10,000 books by the end of the year. 10,000 books for $15 a book, that’s a lot of money. That’s $150,000. Let’s say it’s $4,000 a person times twelve, that’s $48,000. $48,000 that can get me $150,000. That’s a 3X ROI. The point is that I need to take the risk of the $3,000 or $4,000 a month in order to get the 10,000 because I know I can’t do this by myself. I need to let go of past betrayal I felt with people working for me or people in my field who haven’t served me and I haven’t held them to a higher standard. I need to do that. That is the big mission for me in 2018, to believe that I can fully do that. That is the specific thing. I’ll report on it. I don’t know if these four people are going to work out. I might have four new people in a month or two or I might go to six or who knows what it is. That’s the point. It’s all about letting go of my past pain to believe that it’s possible.
It’s your foot on your brake because you’re afraid of what you did in the past. You’ve been paroled and it’s time for you, if you so choose, to build the life exactly the way you want it. If you need support, find support. Build that network. Find an accountability buddy. Join a men’s group or women’s group, some gender group. Get a coach. Get a therapist. Go to church and confess your sins. Whatever it is, find that place because there’s no time like now to start this. I’m speaking this to myself as much as to you. There’s no time like now to start this next phase of life. I’m really excited for 2018 and I’m going to break through this glass ceiling of 5,000 downloads a month into the 50,000 downloads. That’s another big goal for 2018, which I really don’t know how to do but maybe that will be person number five to say, “I can come in and I can increase your download from 5,000 to 50,000.” I’m like, “Prove it, motherfucker.” The point is that I believe that is possible and if you believe it’s possible, then anything truly is. That is this week’s rant.
Let’s now bring Kelley. Hello, Miss Kelley.
How are you?
Thank you so much for being on the show again. We coached you I think it was a good two-plus years ago.
I don’t even remember the topic.
I think it was about a guy and open relationship.
That was definitely two years ago.
How can I best serve you? How can I make this call optimal?
What you just talked about was really interesting because it’s definitely a part of the challenges and the things that I’m looking to create for myself. I was just telling a friend that I’ve been literally stuck, I don’t want to say 25 years although it’s like that in the same financial shenanigan I want to call it, but for the same amount of time and literally living month to month. There have been periods where I’ve had more success and taken on consulting projects and things like that. I don’t want to move out of the Bay Area. I want to create what I want to create and I haven’t done it.
This is a really common topic. Here’s my uneducated, unstatistically proof. I think more people have moved month to month now than in history.
Why do you think that is?
Just from talking to people and watching and reading. There are a lot of studies around people’s savings. I read a lot of news and a lot of stuff. It actually is a trend that people have less in savings now than they did ten years ago. That would be an interesting fact for me to check. I just want to say from my perspective, your issue is very common. Let me ask you a basic question. Are you aware of your budget, your spending? Are you conscious around your money spending?
Yes. Not budgeting but conscious.
When you look at your money spending, is it tight? Is it loose? Is it somewhere in the middle? How would you describe your money spending?
You’re at the bottom level. Do you put in money towards savings?
Enough for a car payment.
Car payments aren’t savings. Car payments are just another expense. Option number one is to change your lifestyle, which doesn’t sound like you want to do.
It’s not even change my lifestyle, I don’t have a fancy lifestyle. I just live in Marine County.
You could move somewhere in the Midwest and cut by one-third. One of my clients just moved from Yelm, Washington which is outside Seattle but a small little town to Barbados. He’s seeing that his expenses are almost a third to a half because of the different economy and what it costs to get things.
I feel for me to move and go somewhere else, it’s just copping out. It’s just taking what I’m doing and I’m not being as great as I can because I’m just finding a solution that’s easier. I’m not living to my full potential if I do that. I thought about it, trust me. I thought, “Let’s go to Florida, it’s a lot cheaper.” I was already a retiree anyway.
Do you know you have that option?
I know the depth of your brain and how you probably strategized in thinking about this. For the listeners, I want to use you as an example. We do have choices. I don’t think it’s copping out. I just want to change that frame in your mind. I think it’s a deliberate choice. I hear you want to stay in Marine, we’re not going to focus too much on that, but if you’re in a situation like that, it’s not copping out. It’s a change. On some level, I’m dying to get out of Los Angeles. I love Los Angeles. We have a great house and it’s ridiculous what we spend. It’s ridiculous what we spend on food and the cost of living here is ridiculous. We can’t because of our situation. To me, leaving is not copping out. It’s a choice. What I’m really hearing is that you have a ceiling in terms of your earnings.Leaving is not copping out. It’s a choice. Click To Tweet
No. It’s only a self-imposed ceiling.
All ceilings are self-imposed.
I just have a big vision for my Yoga Angel business. It’s like I’m not taking the steps or I’m not putting the people in place. I hear you saying, “I hired this person, this person, this person, this person.” For me, that’s a total dream because my business, The Yoga Angel, my ideal scenario is to have that as a reality show and doing humanitarian things in the world. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. If I had a team of two or three people someone running my social media, exactly what you’re doing, I would thrive on a whole different level. I’m not a numbers person like you.
It’s good that you see your limitations. It’s good that you’re seeing the parts that you don’t know how to do. It’s like you don’t know what you don’t know how to do in a way, to steal that phrase. Before we go into the details of the business because we can get lost in the masculine aspect of this, let’s go into the emotional side of it, maybe we can go into a little family dynamics. The first is do you have examples of people who are successful in your life?
My entire family.
Did you feel a part of it? Did you feel like a black sheep?
I’m a total black sheep and still to this day.
Here’s one thing to look at. If you look at the rejection of your family, it’s highly probable that part of that rejection is their success in their finances.
I am going to say yes and it’s probably true with a couple of friends too. I just literally let go of a brother in 2017. I just said I’m done trying to get him to talk to me. He’s doing wildly successful in real estate down in Southern California. I’ve got another brother who’s on a huge morning show in Atlanta, very successful. I don’t talk much to him because they always think I’m just surviving and I’m not doing this and I’m always talking about how I don’t have this kind of money. It’s like they don’t even connect with me anymore. My sister’s doing wildly successful. She won some money in Vegas, but she’s also doing a lot with real estate. I feel she’s neutral. We’re friendly. I don’t want their money but I would have liked for them to be a part of helping me create what it is that I want because they’ve done it.
Let’s not talk about them. Let’s talk about you. I would look at the unconscious side, the part of you that’s rejecting them because maybe you feel rejected by them and what that has to do with your financial abundance. When I was with One Taste, there was a long time there when I was really poor. I put all my money into it and I built this thing and I was on a $2,500 a month stipend and no money. A lot of it had to do, I think retrospectively, on the rejection of my father. I was so mad at my dad. I was so mad at the way he treated me that I was going to prove to him I could do it, but part of that was to be dirt poor.
A lot of the work I’ve done has really been around going into letting go of these negative feelings to have his abundance. That man can make money like a motherfucker. He is awesome in making money and he’s good at saving money. I haven’t been very good at saving money. I’ve been very good at making money recently and very good at spending money recently. My point is that I’ve done a lot of internal work to be connected to him and to love him and to love him for who he is. In that, I’ve let down the shield of going against his grain, and part of that has brought in abundance.
I can hear that.
We’re at the psychological level. I will leave time for some pragmatic at the end, but I want to do a few more. The second thing is I went to constellation work with Morgan in Los Angeles. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of that.
No. It sounds interesting though.
I don’t know enough about it to speak intelligently about it. I don’t want to embarrass myself. The point was basically what you do is one person presents an issue and then there’s people in the room that act out different parts to reveal the feelings that exist and have conversations like other people play different roles in people’s lives. There were fifteen people in the room and the facilitator masterfully talked about a woman’s problem, and someone played the brother and someone played the father and the mother.
You’ve got to see a lot of the family dynamics in there to point out where the blocks are. Maybe as a pragmatic tip around this is just see if there’s a constellation group. I’m sure there’s got to be many in the Bay Area, and just go and experiment. It was free the first night. It was $25 I think for other nights here in Los Angeles. The point is that there might be just something really interesting for you to check out.
The second mental thing, a question I have for you is when you step into yourself as a successful person, what’s the benefit of you staying small and month-to-month?
It’s easy to be like that because there’s a lot of freedom in it. There’s a lot of freedom and not freedom. It’s a double-edged sword in that arena.
What would be a biggest fear? There’s probably many if you’re successful.
The biggest fear is success when I get so huge and I can’t handle it and the paparazzi are coming to my door and I don’t know what to do and am I going to start doing drugs? Literally, I go that far in the future to think like that.
I believe you. Most people do. Just know that vision is stopping you from having it. Your vigilant center is putting the foot on the brake consciously or unconsciously to stop you from having it. The good news is that you’re so powerful and successful that your system is taking care of you and stopping you from having what you want. The bad news is you’re stopping to get what you want. You’ve got to become friends, you’ve got to fall in love with the Kelley who’s rich and successful, one. Two is you may need to put in place your safety precautions ahead of time to ensure that if you get successful you won’t do drugs. This sounds silly but it’s not. You may just need to ask a friend to say, “If you notice me heading this direction, will you sit down and have an intervention with me?” Just you knowing that you set up that safety precaution could be enough that you don’t have that fear anymore.
Number three, we’re getting a little more pragmatic at this point. I just did this with a guy on a coaching session. He is a middle-aged guy, really lost. He’s had a really rough life. He’s 42 and he’s like, “I don’t want to be miserable the rest of my life. I’m 42 and I’ve never had the skills, the accountability to step into the life I want.” We’ve done the coaching exercise. I said, “Come up with five simple goals. Come up with five medium-difficulty goals. Give me five really challenging goals.” The simple goals are simple as going to the gym or having three meals a day or cutting down cigarettes from a pack a day to half a pack a day. These simple things are just simple little steps because success breeds success. When we sit in the field of, “I’m shit and I can’t go anywhere,” that’s what you keep telling your body.
If you say to yourself, “These are simple goals,” and you succeed, then it feels good. Self-esteem is built upon esteemable acts. Success begets more success. Set yourself up with five simple goals. The five medium goals are a little more challenging. It might involve other people. It might mean finding someone who’s done this reality TV show and take them out to lunch. It could mean researching the industry. It’s not something you can do in a day and it might not be something you can do by yourself, but just set yourself up with some medium-level goal that’s challenging but attainable.
I do think I can do it by myself and do it in a day. I get that that’s not reality.
That thought keeps you inert and lack of motion. The point of this structure I set up for him I’m recommending for you is, one you do the simple goals, you feel good and you’re like, “Okay.” The second is, “ I’ve got a little challenge. Down the road, around the curve, over the hill, I’ve got to get there.” The difficult goals would be finding an agent. That’s the mountain that you can see, that you want to climb the top of, and it’s a journey to get there. That’s going to take time. That could take a year. That could take two years. That might take six months. You want to set yourself up and be conscious of these fifteen goals as a way to get your body in motion. If you just sit and say, “This is never going to happen,” it’s never going to happen.If you just sit and say, “This is never going to happen,” it’s never going to happen. Click To Tweet
We’re talking in 25 years the same conversation.
Do you want to try and give me one of each, one simple, one medium, one hard?
Simple, I’m going to say meditate for a minimum of twenty minutes every day. A medium goal for me would be to have time set aside everyday where I’m working on The Yoga Angel, a period of time. An hour feels realistic, so let’s say an hour. I think I’m successful in many ways, but we’ll just talk success in terms of monetary. A difficult goal is reaching out to two people that I admire and look up to and love what they’re up to for a little bit of either coaching or just having a conversation, just having a dialogue with them.
I’ll just modify that slightly. People surprisingly will often give you advice and tell you the story of how they got to where they are. People like to talk about themselves. I want you to up the antidote for this difficult goal of people that at this point you think you can’t get to.
I’ll tell you the first person. It’s Chip Wilson, the founder of Lululemon. When I did a project for my self-expression and leadership program in Landmark, one of the things was I wanted to know how he got to where he was. I found him on Facebook and then I found him on email and his assistant called me. I can literally email her and make an appointment. He loves to mentor people on hikes in Vancouver, and I can go do that. I just haven’t done it.
You have four more of each. Make a little chart, make a vision board or whatever you want to do. Find some way that you’re staring at these fifteen goals every single day. If you knock a goal out, replace it with something else. Success begets more success. The last thing is find someone to be your accountability buddy.
I have a handful of people that would be happy to do that for me.
You could trade. You talk once a week, 30 minutes, you share accountability success. There are various different options. What you need to find yourself is an element of a set-up for failure. Find someone that you can share your successes and your challenges with.
It used to be like I didn’t want to let anybody in because somebody’s going to take my idea. I used to have that thought. I’m not in that space at all anymore, so that’s good to be able to clear that and let some people in.
Thank you so much for coming on the show and rearranging your schedule to be here.
Lots of gratitude. Thank you.
A big thing is coming in 2018. I’m very excited about the book. I’m very excited about everything that’s going to happen and finding my way in this mysterious way of living life. I’m really grateful as always, for you, my listeners. If you feel so inclined and you haven’t done it, and most of you haven’t, go to iTunes, give me a little loving, work the seven minutes, and give me that three-star, four-star, five-star, whatever is true. I really appreciate it. We’ll be back next week with Kelly Notaras, an old friend of mine. The topic is called Big and Beautiful Book. She’s an amazing book editor and writer, and she’s coming out with her first book for Hay House. Not that I’m jealous about Hay House, don’t worry about that, I’m fine about that. I’m very excited to have her on the show. She’s a really old friend and an amazing person. We’re going to be talking about books.
I am going to start organizing Tuff Love months in advance so I’m going to know the next show each week. How much fun is that going to be? Big changes in 2018 in getting professional. Thank you so much for being on the show. I hope you have an amazing week. I hope you find that spot in yourself that’s exciting. I’m really grateful. Go forth, get some nookie. I will talk to you next week. Thanks so much.